General Discussion

I really like this article. It brings to light the bad habits you start to form with an only child. One of our main problems is interrupting. I don’t know how many times I have tried to explain to our 4 year old not to interrupt! She still does it though! Anyone have ideas that worked for them??

I like that story. My husband and I decided to have a vasectomy after our 1 and only child. A couple of years later we thought that we had made a bad decision and maybe wanted more. We think about it sometimes. It’s not impossible to have it reversed, but it’s too expensive for us and not really an option. I think though that we were just giving into the pressure from others to have more. (EVERYONE else is having more, why aren’t we?) I think it’s important to remember how precious your only is or they will be grown up before you know it.

Google is slow. I just saw your review of my book, Parenting an Only Child. It’s designed to be supportive of those considering or who have an only child. I think the comment in your note is a bit strong: “manifesto.” You can learn more about singletons at my new blog for Psychology Today Magazine by clicking on Singletons in the blog section.

I am the mother of a 10 year old son and am consumed with guilt about denying my child a sibling. My husband and I both come from large families and I had always assumed that we would have more than 1 child. However, despite the unquestionble joy that our son brings us, my husband never envisaged it would have such an impact on our day-to-day life and chose not to extend our family. Our marriage also went through a difficult time and I know that this influenced his decision. I am now silently resenting my husband for the choice he made and also feel devastated that I didn’t do more to convince him otherwise; before it was too late. I guess I feel guilty too that our relationship clearly wasn’t solid enough at that time to extend our family. If anything, having an only child has proved harder as you are consciously mindful of their need for play-mates at home, on days out, family holidays, etc. It breaks my heart when my son occasionally states that he is lonely or wishes he had a sibling to play with. It is too painful to even think about when we are elderly and the impact that this will have on our son. The objective side of me knows that there are some advantages to having an only child, but at the moment I’m really struggling to identify with those. The last thing I want to do now is allow my feelings to rock the family that I know we are very lucky to have.

This is a great website. Lots of nice articles and information on resources for the parents of an only child. This website has been very helpful in reassuring me that my decision is ok. Thanks for this wonderful website.

great website. so comforting and reassuring

Zachary, your post made me very sad. Have you tried to talk to your mom about how you feel? Maybe she is distracted and doesn’t realize what you are going through. I can tell you, however, that sometimes being 14 can suck, even if you DO have brothers or sisters! It is just a part of life we all go through. Not dismissing your feelings – please try to talk to your mom or someone else you are close with. I am a mom of an only boy and I KNOW I would want you to come to me if you were my son.

I am an only child and you know what, IT SUCKS!! I am always lonely, I have nobody to talk to, I just sit in front of my laptop and television and think of how to make a friend since there is no one to interact with. When I try to play with my mom she just yells at me then I go sit in my room and cry. My name is Zachary, age 14

I have a son that is 3.He gets bored very easily.So I have to constantly entertain him and find him things to do and playmates,etc.etc. I get it done the best I can..but unfortunatelywe live in a very isolated area.No tother kids around,so that is hard.He is by himself alot,so we have always tried to compensate with toys,lots of toys,anything he has ever wanted…which by the way is the wrong thing to do….he gets so much I believe thats why he gets bored easy,if that makes any sense.Anyway its hard..don’t really know what to do.

I often say, after people make polite stereotypical comments about my being an only child, that growing up an only child was as they described or the exact opposite. My comment is usually met with puzzled faces. What seems to be overlooked is that many only children are onlies because they were not planned. They were accidents, a surprise… whether or not they were ever told the truth about how they came to be. And the parents made sure that “mistake” didn’t happen again. Some people don’t want a child, yet find themselves with one. They are not bad people, or poor, or abusive in a legal sense, they just had no desire to be a parent. I would say that my experience growing up has been the exact opposite of the stereotype…I was left alone all the time while growing up, I got very little attention, direction or guidance. I lack the little details, the little bits that one only learns from being around others. I can relate to Pippy Longstocking and George of the Jungle. I don’t know how to play cards or board games very well. I don’t come across as I intend. I never suffered those little injustices that children fold into who they become later in life, the stuff that builds character. I never had someone walk into the room and change the channel when I was watching tv, if I left food in the frig…it was always there when I returned. I was alone, but have NEVER been lonely. I often relate to the quote that “a room full of people is the loneliest place in the world.” I am embarassed to say that I talk to myself, outloud, as if speaking to someone…I have done this all my life, well into adulthood, and can never imagine not doing so. I was into my 20s when I was innocently relating my childhood experience to a friend, who turned to me and said “how sad.” That was the first time I realized that others had a very different kind of upbringing…one that involved holidays and summers playing with siblings and cousins, childhood pranks and silliness. You might think Christmas is fun when you get all the presents. It’s quiet, nothing much special is done when it’s just one, it doesn’t seem worth all the trouble. Christmas caroles, trimming the tree, family traditions…seemed silly for one. There isn’t a lot of laughter when you are almost always the only person in the room, but there is happiness. My world was one of make-believe and fantasy, my animals, my stuffed animals were my constant companions, and I was never in the house without the tv on, whether or not I was watching it. Well into my 20s I had fears that most long leave behind in their childhoods. If you met me, you would never know this to have been my life experience. I am well-educated, well-traveled, blond and blue-eyes. I am a soulful person, considered inteligent…pensive, mindful. I have a global perspective…my focus is outward. I have been referred to as like Princess Di…being drawn in life to wounded souls. If you saw me on the street, you would never feel sorry for me…more likely you would attribute a charmed life, that I come from a “good family” and have been afforded every opportunity in life. Now, I say that I would never do that to a child. I want a large family, adopting 5-6 kids hopefully. I want a home full of kids, animals, people running all over the place, organized chaos. A home teeming with love, life and laughter. I want my home to be the one that all the neighborhood kids hang out at. Yet I dear and troubled friend of mine once wrote to me, “you and I are destined to walk this earth alone…and to feel and kind of aloneness that is permanent.”

Christy, I might want to say you took this article as an attack against families of three rather than as a support to strong friendships… When the article suggested to take a friend along for a museum, or have them join vacation, they probably didn’t imply that being alone with her parents would not be of ultimate importance. I do though, disagree with the article when they say that a child can look upon her friends as siblings. I have 4 sisters and the bond is so special I could never imagine that closeness with someone outside the family. If I did not have sisters, maybe I would have learned to bond better with my friends, but that never happened, to me friends are fun to have, but they change with life situations, sisters stay. Therefor, I’m going to be pretty incapable to push that bond in my kid toward his friends. With his only cousin I am doing that though. Unfortunately they live oceans apart… But Christy, you are right, your family IS whole, and I think an only child has a very special relationship with his parents. I must say that in our pack of five girls, our parents are sort of outsiders, even still as we are adults and we sit down for dinner, I feel bad that we dominate the discussions, and my parents are almost left out because they’ve had such a different life from ours, they we’re young farmer parents and we are thirty something -old world travelers… Our youngest sister has this incredible relationship to my mom, which I’m very jealous of, I never had that. And now with my only son, I see things happening in our relationship, that makes me think.. did I ever have that with my parents, and… would he ever have said that or thought this way, had he a little brother right there fighting for toys with him. Even though I still hope for another kid, I really hope that this special relationship we have now, will last and I’m soo thankfull that we had these years alone.

I’m writing back to you guys with incredible results. The same night I wrote here, I read another discussion about how to get your kids to spend that alone time, infact I was sure it was this website, but cannot find it anymore. There was a couple of women who had cut of tv completely from their kids and that had worked for them. Since the whole issue of tv had been bothering me allways, it was an easy decission for me. The next day we woke up to a new world, no tv to ease out the morning crankiness, no tv while mommy takes a shower and no tv when mom cooks dinner. I started telling him “Mommy doesn’t like it, so there’s no more tv in the house, you wanna play instead!” And that of course worked. We fixed breakfast together, and by the time I was in the shower, I think it allready klicked on him, that hey, I can imagine alone, I can make up fantasy worlds!! It’s been two weeks now, and he has only asked for tv tree times (for real!!!) and every time the same answer works, and I play with him for 5 minutes and suddenly he is so deep in this fantasy world, that I can clean, cook and all that. We’re still working on that mommy is alowed to read a magazine part, but i think it’ll come. I am so thankfull to those ladies, whom ever they were, for leading me to this direction, I cannot believe what a difference no tv has made on my kids indepenence and CREATIVITY, you should only see, he plays with anything, constructs new inventions, and talks talks talks…. Exactly how we were as kids, now I know an only child CAN do the same. If he want’s mommy time, he already knows the trick, he calls me out to do puzzles or read a book. I think he secretly likes not seeing his tv shows. The characters sometimes are involved in his play. Today a sock was Curious Charlie, don’t know if he forgot George’s name already or this is a new character ;) My hero, the lady on a website said that tv might buy you an hour of peace but it robs your child the ability to create, he will think he constantly needs entertainment and when tv is not on, the show is on you.

My only daughter is 3 1/2. she is currently attending a waldorf inspired “kindergarden” 15 hours week. Of the 9 kids in the group 6 are only children. her 2 best friends are onlies and these are who she plays with the most. I wonder how having other only child playmates versus ones with siblings maybe accentuates the only child stereotypes.

I totally agree in the importance of alone time. I know that is what I did a lot, even though i had 4 siblings. My only son is now 3, and it worries me that he will not play alone. he needs me, his father or his grandmother to play as his mate, whom he totally uses as a robot that does what he wants.. after all we adults don’t really want to get into a fight about what the doll is supposed to say to the other. I’m worried that he’s getting a totally wrong picture of how the society works and is getting worse and worse at playing with other kids. I arrange play dates maybe once a week.. Should I strive to do more of those, or is there another way to support his independene in this realm. We co sleep and I breastfed him thill 2, I feel that this might have caused him to not find his independent self as early as others.. Any ideas how to support his alone time?

Although in many places, having an only child is the norm (like in China), please remember that in some countries in Europe, its partly a growing trend. Some places like in the rural USofA and Africa do not have the only child trend. I am saying this because I beleive that the only child trend is growing even in places where it is considered ‘abnormal’. Take heart folks, its just a matter of time. Besides, isn’t it all a matter of the local culture? When the local culture changes, you will no longer have the feel of guilt. In the past, I have felt a lot better just talking about my problems in an anonymous place like the internet. Just talking it out and reading other people who are in the same situtation helped me enormously.

I have such horrible guilt as of late. I have a happy, healthy 4 year old. We love her to pieces. And yet because of secondary infertility, I feel like I am denying her something so basic. I feel a tremendous amount of personal failure at times. And because of my age I also have so much worry about continuing to pursue having a second child. And then I think, as much as I would love to experience a baby again, I am one year away from kindergarten and how nice it would be to have a piece of my own life back, perhaps go back to work. I feel stuck asking friends for advice or counsel because I don’t know many people in my situation. These on-line chats help me to make sense of it all. I know in the grand scheme of life, I am so fortunate and try to keep focused on that.

Long distance relationship with parents…hmmm…that must be me. But my parents are so very stubborn, they don’t want to leave their really old home and stay close to me. Even though I am their only child, and I have an only child. I guess they know when to let go, really let go…

I cannot agree more. 2 years after my child was born, we started trying for the second one. But it didn’t work out because of 2ndry infertility. We couldn’t afford treatment, so we kept trying. Hubbie was happy – or rather, he grew happy. He kept telling me that one can also be enough, and that we can give our only child all the best. I was resentful initially, but I too started accepting the situation. Once I got out of my hurt and anger mode, it became much better. Now my only child Sarah is 6 years old, and I couldn’t be happier. So, it was just the concept of accepting your situation- coming to terms with it. Then the rest becomes very easy.

I was moved by this story. I too ended up in the only child category for reasons that were beyond our control. People still keep asking us about when we are going to have the second child. My first and only child is 6 years old, and why don’t people get a clue from that. When I say “Medical Reason”, friends continue probing: like “what medical reason”, “don’t trust these doctors”. I just shut my brain off or rather tune them out. And then, I watch their lips, fingers and other parts of the body, but on mute mode. People quickly stop the conversation when I do that. The little evil person in me.

Yeah I agree. I already have the best child in the world. hmmmm, let’s see, then: why do people keep telling me I need to have more? Although the story was moving, I think there’s more to it. The instinct to have children is very basic. For some, it is too strong. They would hurt more, wouldn’t they?

I come from a family of six kids. My parents still call me and check on things. Although I disliked it during my teens, I have grown up. I now appreciate them not letting go. They still advice me on a lot of life’s issues- without interfering in my marriage or parenting of my only child. Why I am writing this is to ask this question: When parents have 6 kids, they will have to spend equal time with all of them. But what happens if you have an only child? It is more difficult for parents of only children to let go completely or stay out of their lives. May be the part of nourishing your marriage/relationship might be a very good thing for in this situation. That way, when the child grows up, you have mom and dad giving each other companionship, without having to constantly be in your only child’s life. I would love to hear what others have to say.

My son is nearly eight. I had such a difficult time living in a dysfunctional family, ending up playing reversal roles,in that I was the parent, parenting my 3 siblings. I felt that I had a lifetime lived before I married and had my son. Originally I didn’t want to bring any children in to what I saw as a miserably and painful existence. But when I met my husband, nature kicked in and I yearned for a child. I decided that unless I experience that yearning again I would try to just have one child, being responsible financially etc I do worry that he is developing normally and worry that he is more mature than his peers. I had siblings and yet I experienced the same thing. I was much more mature than my peers. We try to emerge him in clubs of different kinds so as to give him the opportunity to interact and make friends. I think no matter whether we have only children or not we will always worry and always wonder if we are doing what’s right for them. My brother has a large family and he worries that they will not have as much financially as other kids and worries that he doesn’t enough quality time with each child etc etc. The most important thing in the world as far as I’m concerned is that each and every child feels that they are LOVED!!! If the child knows that they are loved, I believe that everything else can be rectified.

Exactly my feelings. I know we can not afford fertility treatments and that makes me even more angry and mad and after I’m angry and mad then I’m sad. Either way, I haven’t been the fun and friendly person I usually am. Especially since my boss just went through the same treatment I would have to go through and she just found out she’s pregnant. (She and three of my other coworkers just found out this week that they are all pregnant.) Lucky me.

Stacy – I hear you…..that’s where I am coming from as well. Fertility treatments are extremely expensive and when you have an only child and want another but can’t (especially when ART is the only option one’s got) that’s where a whole myriad of emotions come to the surface – especially the guilt. I wish I could say that I only ever wanted one child and no more…..then I don’t think the guilt I feel for not being able to provide a sibling would be as great as it is. I would love to see the top 10 answers to “when are you having a second child”…..I never know how to answer that anymore.

Parents, grand parents and aunts don’t make for playmates or friends. In the absence of a sibling to argue and fight with and later make up, an only child may not know the dynamics of disagreeing and fighting over an issue. They may either fear or shy away from confrontations. Diane confesses to not knowing “how to argue or state her views tactfully” even after she turned adult. Peer quarreling is a valuable ground for the only child to pick up some lifelong lessons. Outings like visit to museum, park or a zoo will be more interesting and special for the child if a friend comes along. In the absence of siblings, the only child may look upon her friends as siblings and enjoy positive gains from the relationships. I copied pasted the above statements that were made in your article. I just couldn’t disagree more with them! My son LOVES his friends but LOVES going on weekend outings without anyone but his dad and me. We have a blast! Maybe if a child’s parents are dull and boring, it’s not much fun for the child, but my son does not need a “fill in sibling” for our outings. I also feel that my son certainly does not need to think of his friends as surrogate siblings! He loves being an only child. In our family we talk very positivly about him being an only child and he knows his parents are happy with the decision and he doens’t ever ask for a sibling or wish he had one. There is NO need to imply to him that a friend “can be like a sibling”..that would be implying in some way that our family is not complete and perfect the way it is. Friends are so important and invaluable for ALL children with and without siblings, but they do NOT have to fill in or be a replacement in the development of a happy child. (unless the child is in a negative home situation, but that’s a whole other story) Lastly I would like to mention that I grew up in a large family and had ample opportunities to “fight” with siblings and I know many other adults that have also. Believe me, many adults that grew up with siblings still hate confrontation and struggle with arguing in a healthy way. We have struggles just like anyone else would. I do think that society loves to look at an only child and are quick to comment “oh, he is like that because he’s an only”. “he’s so mature, spoiled, pampered because he’s an only” but these are all traits a child in a big family can display just as easily. I will always stand strong on the premise that a child learns best from his parents on how to behave, how to argue, how to treat others, how to play fair and even how to share. Friends/peerd are invaluable, but siblings are not necessary in the raising of a healthy, happy completely well adjusted adult. Remember to look at all the dysfunctional adults in society. I can bet a huge majority of them had siblings. We should all nurture our children and love them and provide them with caring and loving life lessons. make sure they have time to BE kids with other kids and also to have alone time to just be bored and get creative. With or without siblings. :)

This is such a wonderful article and website as a whole. I thought I was a 100% sure I wanted an only child, and now I am struggling. In fact, this is what my blog post tomorrow is about. I don’t think people understand that parents of onlies struggle with these thoughts, it’s not like we just decide, oh, I’m going to have an only child, we carefully consider these things.

I needed this website more than anything tonight. Family gatherings are especially difficult when people keep asking, “When are you going to have another baby?”. Guess what? We can’t have anymore babies. We waited for six years to try for another child. When I finally convinced my husband, it was too late. Through fertility testing we have discovered that unless we have expensive procedures performed it won’t happen. So,yes, I’m guilty, angry, and a mix of other emotions. I want to post a note on my head that says “Just don’t ask!”

boyer – there is a great difference between making the definitive decision to only have one child verses someone who has had no choice in the issue because they cannot have any more children. It’s a huge difference, in fact, because one is forced to try and come to terms with the fact that they cannot provide a biological sibling for their only child. The guilt that comes with that is awful. There is no preparation for that and there seems to be more cons than pros of having a single child when the decision is out of one’s control.

Over this, over-that- get over all of this nonsense. Good parenting, sensible parenting, makes happy kids, only child or otherwise. I got tired of my in laws frequent interference in what is supposed to be our personal lives. To put it mildly, they are not the best parents. Last week I told them off, told them to be better parents- more like us. The silence on the other side was, hmmm, how do I say this…deafening. So much for “stereotypes” of only children. I have an only, two other friends have onlies. Beieve me when I say this- they are the best behaved among the lot. They ALWAYS wait for their turn, don’t whine and don’t compare and complain all the time. Self-content is the word I would use.

Most people I know or met have told me that having an only child was not by choice, but for medical reasons or age-related. The ones who chose to have an only child- I mean made a conscious decision to have an only child- are not as guilty as the ones who had no choice. I guess the choice makers were prepared. Whenever I hear of the pros and cons of having an only child, I always wonder- doesn’t it also depend on whether it was by choice or not. I would like to hear from others here!

HeathersMom says: “….is site…seems to be very pro only child” Maybe I would call it a support site like what “only with Only” points what. But then it is all perception! I think sibling rivalry alone is enough to want to be an only child. The problem comes when parents get older.

Of course this is a pro only-child website. It is a supportive resource for parents of onlies so we need not feel inadequate for only having one child, often through no fault of our own.