General Discussion

I thank you for offering to set up a web page for my locality that I would manage. I would be happy to have the opportunity to connect with local onlies and their families.I live in Noblesville,Indiana, adjacent to Westfield, Fishers, Lapel and Indianapolis. Do you recommend that I distribute fliers locally to make people aware?

Sounds interesting, but how will go about setting about like a 1000 of these? I mean one for each city kind of thing. I would like to do this for my neghbourhood, but not for the whole city. Maybe first form it for the whole city and then subdivide. So, what will it take for me to get one going on this website, I mean like the example you gave above?

Being an only child myself and never knowing about this resource, I would like to know how this project got started. Who started it and why and when and where? All the prejudices I have lived with because of my only child status, in my own extended step-family, came rushing back to me after I read about all the misconceptions. I would like to be involved in educating others about the real challenges only children face.

Thank you for your rapid reply. You must be a night owl like me!Do you think families with only children would seek out a network of other onlies? Have you received similar inquiries?

I am an only child,age 50 and I have an only child age 8.My Mother tells me I was never selfish with my material things because I was happy to have friends to share with. My Mother always said it was the children who had siblings,who had to share all the time,who were selfish with their things. As a child, I was keenly aware that people viewed only children as unacceptable. Those same people now have grown children who are not particularly successful.Although I was shy, I did have to learn some extroverted traits to make friends. I have always done better in one on one relationships than in groups.I am inquiring about how to help my daughter socially. She is lonely at school and doesn’t know how to make friends.Is there an only child network available in local communities? We live in Indiana

i like this article i have also only child in second time there was miscarriage and me and husband decided to done vasectomy after that i felt very sad that i have not 2 children but when i read this article i feel great that i have world’s best only child

I had a sister and I felt the same way. I don’t think it is the fact that you are a single child, it is your parents who did not engage with others and did not make your holidays and vacation special.

Thank you for both the pro and con articles to homeschooling an only child. We are still debating the subject for our son. So many articles you read is about a family of 2 or more children, and I was wondering the impact on an only child.

my only son is 9yrs old. When he is around children he seems to get along with the layed back kid not trhe hyper or pushy one. And one At a time. So if any more that one kid comes around to play with he seems to have a difficult time socializing and being “let in” and then feeling left out. What can i do about this??

My reasons for having only one child is becuase my husband and I are both happy with our only daughter,she is 8 and a smart, healthy girl , but recently she has started to complain about being the only one, she thinks there is something wrong with her life, she sometimes even expresses her fears of future, when there would be no parents, that has made us revieiw our decision , I am 34 and was always thinking that one is enough, but it seems that our daughter doesnt appreciate all she has, and just thinks about the only thing she doesnt have : Sibling . I m afraid this would leave her with lots of other issues, any suggestions for me?

Let’s hope after we pass away our children will all have spouses, children and alot of friends to network with. My biggest concern is a normal childhood.

Great article!! yes!! I need to come to terms with my own cravings in order to prevent my daughter from feeling the same loss or emptiness. Im just trying to figure out how to deal with my physiological (not logical!) craving for a child. Women out there, know what I mean?? That deep sensation of wanting to feel “full” again…

oh, and to ammend– I know that the lack of second child is not a “loss”

it can get a little overwhelming scheduling all the playdates. but i know it is necessary. but i do envy families with a lot of children sometimes. the tribal element is so powerful

Hi Christine, I can understand your son’s attraction to other kids. My dd is very fond of people too. She seldom asks for toys, but always asks for friends. Initially, when she was 2, I used to feel very bad when she would ask for friends to play with. Over time, I figured out that “information is vital”. I collected information about various activities that took place in our neighborhood: libraries, nature centers, malls etc, and passed the information to other parents. Most of the parents appreciated it. After the so called activity (story time at the library or puppet show at nature center), we mothers hung out with the kids for sometime or had small picnics. It was a joy to watch my little one having fun. Now she is 8, and I still do the same! I conduct some activities during the long holidays and invite her friends, or take them to museums etc. Some parents reciprocate, and some will take a free ride. Initially, it irked me that some people were taking advantage of me. But I changed my attitude. I learned that it doesn’t matter: if my dd is having a wonderful relationship with her friends I need to nurture it. Also, dh reminds our dd that, in spite of having many friends, there will be days when she may not have anyone to play with. And even if there are friends, she might not get along with some them that day, and these are normal things. Providing playmates for our little ones is a long process. It takes time and effort. I still spend a lot of my time (advantage of having an only child!) planning things so that she will have as many friends as possible around her. Regarding your only child decision- since you have a very close relationship with your sister, encourage your son to have a close relationship with your sister’s kids. See if it works out, and if they get along well, he will not miss having siblings. It takes some effort on your part though: planning vacations together…

I’m 39 and my son is 2 1/2. My relationship with my husband is not great (strained most of the time) but we both love our son very much. I am so torn on this whole issue. I had a friend that was an only child and she absolutely hated it. I do everything with my son but I see how he lights up when other kids are around and when we go to the playground he always asks where the other kids are. I think about the financial aspect of having another child and putting additional strain on out finances. However, my sister always tells me that I will be able to find the money. I think about when I die, who will my son have? My mother died 6 years ago and I can’t imagine not having my sisters. I have been struggling over this issue daily for about a year now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I too feel the heartache of having an only. She just turned 7. I pray with all my heart and with every ounce of my being that my daughter will not resent us as she ages and will not look back on her childhood and be sad. My sister told me yesterday that she was pregnant. Baby two. Of course i was one of the last to know because of the delicate matter of my not being able to conceive another child. Still bitter. Almost a year after being told we could not conceive naturally I am still angry but I can honestly say I’m happy for my sister. She has a son who is 14 months old and now pregnant again. I am so happy she didn’t wait because as i sadly learned opportunities sometimes don’t knock twice. On a happy note, very happy, my daughter was invited to her first birthday party that was not family related. This warms my heart to see the excitement on her face. My goal is to do the best I can for her and hopefully when she’s older she will understand.

I have a 11 year old only daughter…me and my wife decided to have just one but since the past few months when i see my daughter I get the guilt feeling “who does she have after we pass away”…there could be times when she needs someone to talk to….

I have one daughter, aged 19, and I must admit that I would have been more inclined to have another child if I had known then what I know now. She was raised by me almost exclusively, as my husband was and is a workoholic. We never had any family close by. My daughter has told me over the years that she never felt much like part of a ‘real’ family. She has always felt she missed out on the big family celebrations, that she didn’t get excited about Christmas because she didn’t have siblings to get excited with, that family things were always very flat. I did my best and she acknowledges that I did, but she can’t help the way she feels. She has always enjoyed being in other people’s households full of people coming and going, full family dynamics etc. She and I both watch the show “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ and it makes us both cry. I copped out when I only had one. I had pre-eclampsia and was in hospital for a month prior to her birth, but I could have had another child. I chickened out and deprived her of a normal family life. I feel an enormous amount of guilt about it. I have a friend that has 3 kids, works full-time and is an amazing mother. All her kids interact well together and they have an amazing, nurturing, family unit. I’ve always been an under achiever, and only having a single child exemplifies that for me. I’m not saying that other people who have onlies are wrong or selfish, or anything of the sort, but I feel this way myself. I do believe that growing up without siblings may have more profound affects than we can predict.

Stephanie – a little less explaining and a little more imposing a consequence would help. Explaining doesn’t slow a 4 year old down. Tell your child the behaviour is unacceptable, tell her what the consequence will be if it happens again, and then do it. There will be tears and then the behaviour will stop.

Although I’m not a parent yet…god forbid, I’m still in university; I too, was an only child. I will admit, that being an only child does come with its share of challenges, parents of only children need not feel guilty of their choice. Most children I knew growing up had one or more siblings and I remember hearing the constant complaints of lack of personal space, snooping (and oh boy this was a biggie) and disrespect for privacy therefore, having multiple children in a family does not always guarantee happiness. Although your only child will experience his or her share of adversity, rest assured, they will grow up becoming independent-minded, well adjusted individuals (mainly because at a very young age, they learn that they have no scapegoats and that they also cannot get out of doing boresome chores because they have to ‘subjects’ to bestow the work upon). Therefore, all you can do as parents is to be there for your children in times of need and know that you can only do what you can to ensure their happiness…it is up to your child as a person to discover what truly makes them happy.

Admin, I am not sure why I still have these fears. I suppose it is b/c I have a sibling who is 3.5 years younger. We certainly have had our issues, but are close as adults. As far as aging, I really don’t think anyone can count on their child/children to take care of them. It is just an unfair expectation. We are lucky enough that we are financially secure and are planning for retirement so our son would not have to worry about money. Of course, we would like to spend time with them, but in my opinion, having 2 children does not guarantee anymore security than one. My parents have 2, but they are not planning on us having to take care of them financially. As far as us passing away, I can only hope that our son has his own spouse/partner/family to fulfill his life. Since I don’t really have a choice (in having an only), I try not to stress about this. Alas, it would not be my choice to have one child, but I don’t believe our son has to have a terrible life because of it. In fact, there are definitly some pluses. He will get more of our attention, will have access to more educational opportunities, and more opportunities in general due to the fact we only have one child to support. Due to my very long history of infertility and the fact I had cancer 12 years ago, my husband just does not think we need to go through another process such as adoption. I am working on acceptance, but know it will take some time. Thank you, Heather

Just wanted to say I am glad I found this forum. I was up late looking for blogs on only children (not by choice). It took us 2 IUI’s, and 5 IVF’s to have our miracle son. When I started this process, I was 30, I am now 36. With our history, the chances of success with IVF are slim to none and we just don’t think we can handle another “process” such as adoption. Dh has ruled it out, while I am still on the fence. But, unfortunately, we spent much of our savings to have our son. Our ds is now 2 and is happy as can be. He has loving parents and very involved granparents. I am lucky to be home with him and just do some part time work at home to keep us afloat. We have a good life and I am happy. It is just hard b/c everyone I met when I had ds, is now having a 2nd child. I have tried to explain our infertility story to them, but they don’t understand. How could they? It only took them one or two trys to get pregnant. I just can’t stand to hear another person say the best gift you can give your child is a sibling or look at my stomach to see if I am pregnant another time. I am so worried that ds is going to be lonely and ask for a sibling. My husband is 11 years older than his sister, so he is much more like an uncle. He just does not have the same fears as I do. Any advice? Thank you for listening. Best, Heather

I’m still deciding whether or not to have another child or stick to just the one I have. I found this article insightful but can’t help but question the sources, particularly the study about first borns having a higher IQ. It appears to be written to appeal to parents of single children by stating information that is more or less ‘in the eye of the beholder’ as fact based on vague studies. I recently discovered this site and will continue to read on I…thanks for posting these articles.

Angela…it is very normal for a child of 3 to get bored, He would get bored even if he had a sibling. I also have a son who is 21/2 and we live in a isolated area,but I let him find things to do to entertain himself..you should not feel the need to always keep him busy. My nieces complain all the time that there bored and there’s nothing to do, they have each other ,but thats all they do is fight! I’d rather have one little bored boy then 2 fighting little girls!

Great article. This is an area that we often struggle with. Most think it is adorible, but I feel like a failure when my daughter would rather have adult converastions then go out and play with children her own age. Although I was much like her and I am from a family with 4 children. Maybe this is more a personality thing then an only child thing.

I understand the guilt and heartbreak your son’s longing for a sibling must have loaded on you. I have an only son also, although he’s not quite three, I know the day will come when he vocalizes the same longing. Try not to beat yourself up too much; I can remember as a child wishing I DIDN’T have a sibling!!:-) We have gone back and forth about having a second child, but without going into too many details, we have accepted that this is how our family was meant to be. Our wonderful son IS adopted, by the way. We never actually tried to conceive on our own; our son came to us in a way that could only be fate and I could not love him any more if I had carried him in my own womb. I tell you this in case you ultimately decide you want to expand your family. Adoption is a wonderful thing.

My reason for having one child is simple: we are fulfilled and happy as a family of three. I love that I can enjoy my son completely and not have to divide my time between 2 or more children. I love the close relationship my husband and I have with our son. My son is independent, social, considerate of others and enjoys the company of other children. It all comes down to what is expected of and modeled for your child.

I am so glad to find this site. We have a 5 year old and have tried 5 ivf’s in 4 years but no second child. We decided to throw in the towel and embrace/enjoy the life God has given us. But today driving home from a playdate, my son sadly said he “wished he always had someone to play with at home like a brother or sister.” I knew that would probably come out one day but not this early. I didn’t know what to say. He was tearing up and tried to wipe away the tears so I didn’t see them. It totally broke my heart in a way I have never known. There is no other option for us as far as more siblings unless we adopt, which we decided we weren’t going to do. Anyway, the pain eases when I read all of your posts. Thank you for your support.

There is a lot of helpful, comforting information on this site. Thank you!

I just found this website and I have been crying for twenty minutes. Everything I am feeling, right here, without judgement. I unfortunately had to have a hysterectomy and although I am blessed with a wonderful son, I always thought there would be more children. A house full. Coming to terms with this is hard, finding this website will help. Thank you.

It’s hard not to focus ALL your attention on your only child. Sometimes I feel like my husband and I expect WAY too much out of our 4 year old. Jeez, I hope she doesn’t feel like she has to be perfect. I love my one and only!