General Discussion

Moustachue – Congrats on your upcoming adoption! It sounds like you are very happy with your situation so why should you change it. I’m actually very close with all 3 of my sisters so I do feel a bit of guilt and regret that my daughter will miss out on those relationships. But, at the same time, I don’t feel like it’s the best choice to have another child to try to make my current one happier later in life. We have a number of cousins that live near us so we try to organize lots of play dates and sleepovers. So, I hope that she will remain close to them as she gets older.

Hi everyone, I’m one of those who have been stalking the forum without ever posting my story. Thank you Admin for giving me a nudge in the right direction. ;) Katharine, I know exactly what you’re talking about. I’m very introverted myself and absolutely need my alone time (for my sanity!). Also, the time I spend with my son is very important to me and I feel that it wouldn’t be as much quality time if I had to take care of more than one… I would definitely not be as good a parent. Only speaking for myself here, obviously. Here’s my story : My girlfriend and I are foster parents (soon to be adoptive parents) to a 20-month old boy. He has been living with us since he was 3 months old. A year before he arrived, we had been mothers to another baby boy but the adoption process fell through, a situation that will not happen this time, thankfully. Our son is a very very charming and funny kid. We LOVE him. I have a hard time imagining what life would be like with another child. I’m very happy this way and so is he, so far. My only concern is not for now or the next few years but rather when he’s older. I personally know a few adult onlies who wished they had a brother or sister even considering the relationship wouldn’t be perfect. I get it… I’m the youngest of four and eventhough we’re not all that close, it means something to me to have them around. So it’s adult life I worry about. Not that much but I do think about it. With that said, I feel there’s a 95% chance our son will remain our only child and I really do believe it’s the right thing for our family.

Thank you Admin and Melissa for your kind wishes :) And yes, Cat, I can understand your anger when people assume they know what is best for your family. I have been called ‘evil’ in a jokey manner by someone for wanting to stop at Callum and it made me even more determined to stick to what was best for us. Right now we have a great life being able to focus and enjoy our little boy. The dynamics of our family will change when the new baby comes along and we will grow with that but in the meantime we will relish the time with Callum. The good thing is that having one child is becoming more common so hopefully one day people will learn to accept it and not feel compelled to press their opinions on parents of onlies. Have a great week :)

Cat-I feel your anger!!! I totally agree and I like how you put it- I don’t look in your grocery cart, so don’t look in mine!!!HA! It is like some people think you have to have a dog, white picket fence, and 2.5 kids to be “normal” in society….I (and family are/am) happy to NOT be in that category. If you and your spouse are happy, that is great! It is your life to live, your decisions you must live with, no one else’s responsibility. Take Care everyone.

Rebekah- Congratulations! As far as a “surprise gift” happening- I can’t have any more children, but you bring a good point- sometimes life happens and you get pregnant again. I agree that one should be careful with birth control and also bear in mind that obviously these surprises can happen. I just realised that i didn’t really share my story about my only daughter…I will have to do that soon!

I just found this website today after being so annoyed with everyone’s comments on my decision to have just one child. I just don’t understand why people feel the need to tell me that “You absolutely must have another kid” (like it’s as simple as getting the latest shoe trend) or “How could you do that to your daughter?” I really get angry when people act like I am a bad mother to the one child I have because I don’t have any more kids. I have no idea why having another kid makes you a better mother. My daughter Zoey is only 2 but I feel very content and confident (most of the time) about my decision to not have any more kids. My husband and I both come from families of four kids and we always thought they would have a bigger family. But, after a difficult pregnancy, I just knew that one was enough for me and our family of three seems complete. I even decided to take a year away from my career to be at home with Zoey and cherish the time we have together. I truly feel for those of you who unable to have more children and really want them because I know how much I longed for my first kid. I just wish people would mind their business about why we have 1 kid or 10 kids. I don’t comment on the groceries in your cart so don’t comment on the number of kids in mine!

Hi again…needed to share this as we’re still in shock and find it all quite bizarre. I had bought 2 books on raising an only child which were great – ‘Parenting Your Only Child’ and ‘The Future of Your Only Child’ and after reading them felt really positive, inspired and happy that Callum would be our only child. I had finished reading one on the Thursday night. The ironic bit…I was a bit late with my period but as this often happens,thought nothing of it…but to give ourselves peace of mind, in a rather off-hand manner I did a pregnancy test on Friday morning. It was early and my husband had already left for work. I nearly died of shock when I saw a positive result. To be honest we are both very subdued and not jumping for joy. I know for those parents who want more than anything to have a second baby our reaction must seem ungrateful and almost ridiculous (you’d think at our age we would know how to use birth control…it was a case of us trying to use the Billings Method and obviously getting the timing wrong). I hope I’m not offending anyone by posting this, I just wanted to say that if you cherish and enjoy your only child family status and can’t envisage another child, be careful with birth control. It will all be good, of course we will love and adore the next baby (Callum was also unplanned and he is light of our lives) but it will change things beyond what we can imagine and quite frankly I’m scared! But you ‘do the crime, you do the time’ I suppose! Thanks for ‘listening’ and all the best to all you great Mums out there :)

Nicole: Ditto on that!!! “sometimes i feel like i am one of very few parents with an only and it can be isolating. Looking forward to future discussions!” This is a good site, maybe one of the few on the internet. It is good to realise that we are not alone and it’s OK and even great to have an only child. :)

To admin: That makes a lot of sense!!! Thanks! I haven’t been on the home page for a while. I didn’t know we had a lot of visitors not posting. I really appreciate the site. Blessings everyone!

Hi admin….. Your post make more sense now :-) I have posted a few times, but i know it took me a while to sort out my thoughts and a few visits to finally get to a stage where i could write what was on my mind etc. I find there are a lot of feelings and thoughts to process. I know that i love contributions people make because sometimes i feel like i am one of very few parents with an only and it can be isolating. Looking forward to future discussions!

Hi admin, don’t you think people are speaking freely??? Whom are you addressing??

Hi Parents of only kids! Great reading all your comments. My husband and I have a gorgeous 2 year old son (who wasn’t planned) and we’ve gone through so much angst wondering if we ‘should’ have a second child. We have nearly come to peace with the fact that Callum will be absolutely fine with his cousins, friends and eventually, pets. I say ‘nearly’ because I just adore kids of all ages and am very clucky with babies. But…we both have careers and although I work only part-time it’s still a juggling act, plus we’re both ‘older’ (I’m 36 and hubby 44). Plus being the oldest of 3 girls, I can say that having siblings does not automatically mean a blissful childhood as I really clashed with my second sister but got along well with the youngest (what if my Mum had stopped at 2??) Ciec – I totally know how you feel with the guilt feelings and torturing yourself about whether to have a second or not. Research on onlies and talking to others too has helped me to realise an only child will do just fine. Still a hard process though. Good luck :) Bek from Western Australia

It’s great to see this site and to read all of your opinions on this subject. I have a 7 year old boy and often wonder if having only one was the right thing to do for him – I know really that it was right for me. My son is so happy and well adjusted and sociable so God knows why I worry so! There is so much societal pressure to have more than one – I have a brother who is 3 years older than me and we loathed each other through childhood, and now have a phone conversation about once a year which usually has me grinding my teeth with irritation even then – yet still I fall for the “happy-2-child-family-straight-out-of-cereal-packet-advertisement” as though that’s the ideal family. It’s not. Every family has it’s pros and cons and we should be firm in our convictions, arrange lots of playdates, and love our children without worrying how they’ll cope alone once we’re gone. My brother wasn’t there for me when our father died, but my best friend and my husband were. Encourage close friendships, even from the youngest age, and they’ll never be alone. Parental guilt, even when there is nothing to feel guilty about, is such a strong emotion – we must bash it on the head!

Hello, My husband and I have one daughter Emily who is 7. I know this does souldn selfish, but I love taking her to gymnastics or dance and being able to watch her or read a book and not be distracted by a toddler or another child. I also love that when she is at a sleepover my husband and I get alone time. I know these things sound selfish, but my husband and I are both introverted and do best with lots of alone time. I think we would be stressed out and unhappy if we had more children to appease others around us. I think people know what is right for their family. Glad to have found this sight and look forward to the comments of others. Katharine in Texas

I am glad to have found this site. My husband and I are parents to an only child, a boy named Mason! I will be returning to this site regularly for the articles and discussions!!

Melissa – i had 3 brothers and was lonely!!!! Siblings may or may not provide the solution your daughter wants unfortunately. If she is not close to anyone in particular, perhaps she could look into a hobby etc. This is great for a distraction and if this hobby has a club then she might find like minded people there. Are there other ‘onlies’ in her class? My son had none at kindy, but there are a number in his class at school. I like to point out that he is not the only person with this family structure, also there are all sorts of families with varying numbers. keep us updated – all the best

Hey there parents of onlies! My daughter is 13, and for the last while she has been expressing anger that she doesn’t have a sibling. She says also from time to time that she is lonely. Myself and her dad try to talk with her often to help her draw out of her what she is feeling. We are successful alright! I am glad that she is honest but I literally say to her “well, I understand your hurt but it is not reality to have more kids.” She has friends but no one very close. Sometimes I try to push get-togethers with others but of course this is annoying to a teen….anyone have any advice? It is like a punch in the stomach to hear it, yet at least she is open with us. I really appreciate this site and all the great comments. Thanks! Melissa

I’m so happy to have found this site. We have a daughter who’s almost 5. For years we were content w/our decision to have just one. Lately, I’ve been wavering. Still coming down on the “one” side, but with more angst around the decision. It’s good to have a place where it feels more “normal” to have a single child. I don’t think it’s right to have a second child as a gift to a first and that’s what it feels like it would be right now.

I’m amazed at the selfishness of many women who decide to have large families. Kids become teams of “staff” to which they can delegate. Here in the Midwest, (Catholicland-Chicago) the size of one’s family is considered some sort of status symbol. I have friends who have kids 18 years apart. It’s crazy. Often they ignore the needs of the adolescent while building their dynasty of little soccer players. A mother said to me this week that she couldn’t afford to send her child to a great college next year while she is pregnant with her baby brother. As my endocrinologist said to me 18 years ago “the world needs more only children.” Onlies don’t often fit the stereotypes about self-absorbed kids who can’t function socially. Quite the opposite. Onlies tend to appreciate the company of others and to behave with more social respect and non-competitive teamwork than kids who are often neglected while their parents joke about not being able to be in four places at one time.

Thank you for the comments. I appreciate hearing from others. Portia – My husband and I are both about to turn 30. Nicole – I think you are right…leaving the option open for now and we can revisit in the future. For now I am going to enjoy my daughter and not plan on having anymore, but later on if I feel the desire to expand our family there is always that option. I can only make the decesion based on what is going on at this moment and my life. Time will tell what in the end will happen.

Ciec – i decided not to have a second for most of the reasons you mentioned above. Bad pregnancy, PND, relationship with husband etc. If you are talking about ‘getting it over and done with’ then perhaps now is not the time to be thinking of it. Perhaps you might be ready in the future and it is an option you can always keep open, BUT if you suffered from PND and are saying this, then perhaps it is not the best time to have another. My brother has 3 children and they want more……. this is someting that they are sure about and it ‘suits’ them. But, not us. Do what is best for you. All the best

May I ask your age and your husband’s age? Do you have time to wait and think this over?

I am writing because I find myself torn about having more children. I have a wonderful 13 month old daughter, who I adore, but is a very hands on, demanding child (from day 1). My pregnancy was not easy(lots of complications), then my daughter had colic for 3 months and I suffered from PPD and in some way I am still working through issues. I am a teacher (who loves children) and have always envisioned having a mutli-child home; however, after having the first I am not so sure. I feel a lot of guilt for feeling uncertain about more children or not want to have more. I worry my decision will hurt my daughter in the long run, will she resent me not giving her a life-long companion(as my brother calls it), will she be lonely, etc…but I find myself wanting another child for all the wrong reasons.. 1. just do it and get it over with, so I can be past this part of my life…get to the next step of the children’s development (not a baby person, neither is my husband) 2. to please others (my family and in-laws) 3. because I feel guilty 4. that is what I am supposed to do or what I envisioned my life would look like 5. so she will have a playmate or life-long companion 6. because my husband wants a little boy, but does not really want another girl …but I do not want another child because I have this aching need to have another. On the flip side there are tons of reasons not to have another…. 1. I love my daughter and want to give her a good life 2. Pregnancy did not agree with me (High-Blood Pressure, Water Retention, Placenta Previa, C-Section, PPD) 3. Not a baby person and having a child with colic was very hard on me and my husband 4. Finances do not really allow it…although people say that you do not wait to have children until you can afford it, that you will find the money…I do not want to live so tight to have 2 children that I can not give them meaningful experiences 5. I want to be able to help my daughter more than my parents were able to help me (college, support, time, etc…) 6. To have my own life and time with my husband. I want my daughter to have a full and happy childhood; however, I do not want to lose myself or my relationship with my husband to do it. We had a very difficult transition from married life to family life(who is to say it was not just the colic and PPD, but who is to say that having more children is going to make if fill more fulfilled or feel further apart, because we have less time for one another…I know sounds selfish!) I just wish there was a magically simple answer! How do I move on? How do I make this decision…if we have another will I feel better? If we decide to have an only…how do I make the guilt or feelings of inadequecy go away? I want to thank you for this site, because it has eased some of my feelings, but I would love to hear from others who have dealt with this issue or some advice of how to move forward.

My nine year old only child has struggled with having relationships in elementary school as I previously wrote about in this website. I am seeing some silver lining in the clouds. Grace who is shy has not had a BFF like most of the other girls her age but she has been very selective about the kids at school that she genuinely likes. She doesn’t attract toward the kids who are popular necessarily. She likes the kids that are nice to her when she or they make an effort. If they are not nice kids she will tell me and it is clear by the way she tells me that she is choosing not to be with them. She does not view it as they are not choosing to be with her which I think is the healthiest thinking. She has found a little boy her age who is also shy and they play together at recess. Recently, we invited him for a playdate. He and she were so well matched for friendship. They both like Webkinz and they laughed and giggled in what seemed a very equal conversation. These children somehow found each other. Needless to say I am a relieved mother after years of hit and miss relationships. Also, this weekend my daughter received a phone call from a little girl who runs with the popular group of girls. She asked her to spend the night this weekend. We have known this girl for three years but have never been included before. Her mother told me after the sleepover that her daughter who is not an only child is struggling with some of the mean girls in the group she runs with.We talked about how television, including Disney, promotes the girls with attitude. If I had one wish for these children, it would be that they’re parents discuss how to treat others on a regular basis. It is not ok to be mean because you are popular. Everyone deserves respect. The race for popularity should be who can be the nicest not who is best at the exclusive games that seem to be played. On another note, I thought it interesting this morning that the woman who had 14 children attributed her desire to have alot of children to having been an only child who longed for siblings.I wish to instill in my only child the wisdom that children take a lot of time, attention, and money to succeed in life and they rely on us parents to make sure that we can provide those things to each and every one of them. I wish her well but I think she has bitten off more than most can chew. I hope she was not motivated to be a spectacle so as to make money for her and her children.

How can I find friends for my daughter to play with on a regular basis? Our neighborhood doesn’t have any kids her age. She is 6. My family lives in another state. She has one friend but he lives far away. They see each other during birthdays and occasionally throughout the year. Also, I can tell she wants friends that are girls to play with doll houses and things. She has so much energy and I stay constantly worn down trying to play with her everyday. I enjoy playing with her and she loves it to but my body isn’t in the shape it use to be when I was a kid. Also, my daughter is very outgoing and loves to interact with people. And she doesn’t like to play alone. I was an only child and was very lonely. I didn’t develop friendships until I got in Jr. High school and High school. I don’t want her to experience this.

Hi Portia. I read your post above as well, it is so good to have some insights. I really feel for you when dealing with your daughter’s shyness. I and my husband are shy and my 5year old boy seems to be following in our footsteps. I am not sure when you developed your ‘survival techniques’ to combat the shyness, but mine did not come until i had left school and was working. Your little one is still young and may change in the coming years. As an aside, i had 3 brothers……. so, it was just within me to be a shy person. As a result, and i think this is your concern, it may not be because your little one is an only, but this is her personality. I find generally with shyness comes a thoughtful and caring person as well – HTH Is there something that she really enjoys or that you have noticed she excels at? Perhaps focusing on this may distract her and build up her confidence. I have also found that i needed to teach my little one some conversation techniques such as asking particular questions when he meets someone – for us shy people it is really hard to think of what to say sometimes. I am not sure if i have been of help, but i definately feel for you. Let me know how all is going!

I see many people in life who have difficult, sometimes toxic, relationships with siblings. I’m sure those people would think they’re better off without a sibling. On the other hand, I know people who consider their sibling their best friend. I am an only child, age 50, who believes that God has given me the family that I have and I have not spent alot of time bemoaning circumstances I have no control over. When I was told I would never have a baby after cancer, I cried and then I got on with my life. God had other plans. My 8 year old was an unexpected miracle. But, again, she is an only child and she bemoans her circumstances. At her school there are very few only children in her class. Sometimes when she is left out or doesn’t fit in she dwells on the fact that they all have brothers and sisters and she doesn’t. Sometimes, I think a sibling relationship represents something that others can’t share or take away from you. Her father tells her about the difficult experiences he had with his sisters and brother. I tell her that someday when she is married she can have a larger family if that is her choice. She tells me she can’t concentrate at school because she is thinking about having brothers and sisters. My husband tells her to get over it. I love my child and would love to make her life as perfect as possible but alas I can’t. So at this young age she must learn a valuable lesson of life. We don’t always get what we want. And, sometimes God knows better than we do. Be careful what you ask for because you might get it comes to mind. In Sott Peck’s book The Road Less Traveled, the first sentence says Life is Hard. And so it is. I believe it is hard for everybody for different reasons. At 8, this is her reason. Someday she will have enough experiences in life to find some pros as well as cons to being an only child. In the meantime, we work to give her some perspective abouthow it all works in this big world.

I have a friend whose father had parkinsons and she tried very hard to deal with it together with her brother. They were never very close but still in contact with each other. Many fights etc occurred in the final years and it was horrible to watch it all unfold. My dear friend has decided to have just one child – i believe in most part due to her experiences etc throughout her life. I think she would be very apreciative that you posted your view point. I will pass this on. All the best.

What a blessing to find this website and know that all my fears are real and shared. I am struggling with guilt for my 9 yr. old son. He is amazing of course. We had him late in life 40 yrs. and were blessed!!! But, then we tried for over 4 years to add to our family naturally – no luck. Now, I am so guilty – in menopause and no natural way left??? My sis-in-law is my age 49 and through IVF and donor egg is expecting triplets. I have been having a tough time – jealous and not. I love our small family – but, I have craved more for our son. I wish there was a cure for the guilt??? Not possible. Part of life and part of onlies not by choice! Thanks to all who shared and help me with your brave words. Peace!

I am so glad I found this website. I always wanted a big family, but my husband and I have only been able to have one, beautiful, bright and hilarious 9 yo boy. Even though I am 45 I would love to have another baby. But it took 4 years to conceive our son. I never thought it would be a problem – my Mom has 4 children and that’s not including a couple of miscarriages. For a reason undiscovered I do not conceive easily. To add to that our economic circumstances and a rocky relationship have been prohibitive as well,even if biology was no factor. I feel guilty very often, though there have been occasions that I have accepted our family as it is. In fact I was feeling pretty at peace until recently when my ds has brought up his desire for siblings several times. Most recently was today. When I asked him why he wanted siblings he said because everyone else has siblings. And he said our dog did not make a very good brother (he’s always called him his brother, which breaks my heart). And he said, “you have your sister.” Eventually he admitted he was lonely. It just broke my heart!! I explained to him that there are good things about being an only (although I was hard-pressed to think of any) and bad things about being a sibling and that no one’s life is exactly the way they want it to be. But I feel so badly about it. Mostly his loneliness!! We have no family close by and he is the only grandchild in my family. There are no cousins on my side – only 2 on ds’s side, but he and his sister are estranged and they live on the opposite coast anyway. That said I grew up with a slew of cousins and two brothers and I am not in touch nor close to any of them now! Many of them, sadly, have drug and alcohol problems. We’re also new to our area, which is hard. He plays soccer, but no one seems to make friends on the soccer team…and we are involved at church and with another group, but it’s still hard to make close friends. Though he had a birthday party last year and 25 kids came (I was so surprised and grateful)! But he wasn’t invited to one birthday. No one invites him over. But he seems well liked. So I don’t know…it’s just hard. In our old home, we had friends to get together with. He plays well by himself, but he just has to do it too much. But it’s nice to know there are others out there and I am not completely alone. Blessings, Sherri

Thanks for this book review, it made me buy the book b/c it’s one of the most recently published.

I am so grateful that I was an only child and having to deal with my father who had Parkinson’s disease. It was a real blessing for I never had to argue with a sibling over his care, going in/out of a court system sharing the liquidation of his assets, or the emotional side with another person. It was a real blessing and many friends were available to provide me help when I needed it.

Hi Everyone out there, Read all the messages submitted here, also happy that there is a space to add on my thoughts too..having an only child is really inducing so much of guilt in me too….my problem being having had a c-section and then another surgical procedure for incisional hernia….do i jeopardize a second pregnancy and strain my lower part of my body…what if the weight of the pregnancy causes another hernia..then i will require a c-section procedure anyways to deliver the baby and another open surgical procedure to repair the hernia…the third operation would be done for sure to take out the baby, and the next lies on a clause – ‘if my intestine weakens again’. If it does….do i take care of myself, the baby born or the first child…hahaha…my predicament would be pathetic…and for all u know, all the great advising folks would now start talking why i should have jeopardised my health knowing all these facts…do i circulate a notice and send it across to all…or plan how well i can bring up the darling one whom i have now….God only knows….Hope i will hear an answer to my hearts fears….