General Discussion

i read a cheeky comment on another blog site about a mom saying her regular response is something along the lines of, i already did it once and i have the perfect child, why would i need another? babies ARE a gift and a blessing from god, but is god there in the middle of the night when no one’s slept in a week and nothing you’re doing can get the baby to settle? is god there to play with your older, feeling-left-out child while you are focussing on the first? is god gonna pay for college?!? i realize that some people who have a lot more faith than i do, might say that yes, god would provide… well what god has provided ME is the ability to think and reason and come to the conclusion that one child is really the best thing for our family. so maybe i’ll say that to people who ask/tell me different! i think another thing to keep in mind is that people are really nosy and rude and we shouldn’t HAVE to have an answer for them about how many children we’re having. any of us! the ONLY people it ever matters to and for are those of us in the thick of the family relationship. in my house, it’s the three of us who matter most, and two of us who make the major decisions. and even with only TWO opinions look how long and complicated and drawn out the decision is and although it’s made, make no mistake, i still linger sometimes in the “what-ifs”. so all i’m saying is if we as a family go through this, and other random friends and even strangers want to weigh in … well, they are going to have to take a really low priority. hahaha

marc’s mom I really agree with you,I am trying to enjoy living in the moment and as a family of 3.I am going to try to ignore those prgnant bellies and the cute baby clothes too!!!!My hubby made a very good point yesterday,our financial spot is growing so good and he will be able to retire when he wants WHY change that with trying to have another baby.So point taken from his view.I am also trying to avoid comments from others like this {{babies are gifts/blessings from god,take it if you can}}Well that is another topic,BC I don’t know really if it is in our future plans at all.How do you know the answer to that??????

i met my new nephew for the first time this past weekend. and it wasn’t nearly as difficult as i suspected it might be. which was a good thing… i didn’t want to be tortured by his presence. LOL i guess one thing i’ve learned is that there really is nothing absolutely nothing like holding your own child. cuz altho i love my little nephew, he’s cute and sweet and small and squidgy, i don’t feel that THING that i felt – still feel!- with my own son. this deep primal urge to nurture and protect and celebrate. so anyways, met the babe, felt good and not overly disturbed by his baby-ness and then my husband and son went to play at the local park and i did some fussing around the house and then leisurely walked up the street to get some groceries … and i was feeling comfortable, and relaxed and fairly casual. and it hit me like a ton of bricks – my life is great! it really really is! i have the best of both worlds, i really do. i would not be doing what i am doing if i were pregnant, or trying to get pregnant, or nursing a newborn. everything would change. it would affect every thing i do in every way. and no, i am no where near willing to let it go, to let all of what i know and am so happy with, be disrupted, for the sake of a child who does not exist. so this is acceptance at the moment, this week. haha … doesn’t mean the longing won’t come back again, but today, right now, it’s waned significantly. i think it’s really about looking IN, focussing on ME and US, and yes, ignoring those lovely round pregnant bellies and avoiding the sweet infant clothes aisle at our favourite stores… looking in, and finding contentment with what i find there.

Well I guess the decision has been made,I called in to refill my birth control.And Yes I hated it,why there of course I see 2 pregnant young moms.I walk by all the baby stuff at Walmart it will eat me up though but hubby and I think it is best for my health and probobly meant to be.

I think whatever decision we make – getting married, having a child, having a second child, etcetera – we always have some second thoughts. I suppose that’s why I chose not to have a tubal ligation – I wasn’t 100% sure that I would never want another child biologically. However, now that it appears I may be undergoing premature menopause, I’m faced with the dilemma that my ability to bear a child may be nearing an end. But I’m 100% confident that having a child right now, when my daughter is still very dependent on me, would be a disaster for the whole family. And I’m at peace with the idea that I may lose my last chance to another biological child. I’m still open to adoption in the future, even though that’s an unknown, given how hard it is to adopt. But all in all, I’m content with having one child.

Yes admin I am getting them to. I am still going crazy about the whole thing.I had a doctors apt w/OBGYN and we discussed it and she said I need to loose 19 pounds and start prenatle(sp) vitamins.She has dais that we(I) need to let stress go and keep out the people who cause stress.My blood pressure is perfect,but I am concerned about PPD I had it really bad after Zachary and what if I get it again I hated that feeling of being mean and crying and not having anything to do with my baby boy. Shane and I talked last night and he said to stop worrying and if it happens then it happens if not then it wasn’t meant to be.BUT I am a planner I need to know if we are and get prepared but at the same time I feel that I am talking my way out of it.Make sense to you??????I love our family of 3 I really dopn’t know why I keep having the feeling along with stress about having another baby. I really am so happy I found you all.

Admin – Yes, I am getting all the new posts and comments. I now just need to find time to make replies.

hi admin, yes, since my first post the other day, i have been notified of each additional comment, via my email address. i may be single-handedly trying to boost the conversation! it’s going on in my head, i might as well put it out there to others who can maybe relate!

sooooooooooo interesting to me how i can feel so distinctly and strongly, two different ways. Emilia Liz, what you wrote, about not being prepared to risk what you have, that is me to a tee. i am not prepared to risk what we’ve worked so hard for! and yet, onemomonedadonechild writes about her friend giving her the epiphany … and she realized she really didn’t want to be someone else’s mom. well, i would NEVER give marc up for anything, but i could be mom to another, i know in my heart of hearts, i could love another child as much as i love marc. i just don’t think i could also have room or time or energy to love my husband, or – even more importantly – myself – the way we need to be loved and cared for. and i am nowhere near as good at taking care of myself as i should be. again with the guilt, but also quite literally not having the time, and not having the time to figure out how to carve out the time. and i think all this and realize, MAN i would be a fool to have another child. the other thing onemomonedadonechild writes that really strikes me – nothing is missing. i feel something is missing, but again, it is not necessarily a new baby, it is more likely the contentedness that seems to elude me. i do want more than what i have, but i’m starting to allow myself the space to recognize that it doesn’t have to come from mothering a second child. in fact, if i ever want to truly connect with and support my self again in a meaningful way, i am far better off to look in ALL other directions, than that one. it never ceases to amaze me how i can work through little bits of this at a time and find a new way to be okay with it. i am realizing more and more how much of my feelings are tied to longing for OTHER things as well, far beyond another child. things like moving back home, continuing to grow my career, and finding new creative outlets. thank you to those who’ve written before, and since i posted. there’s no doubt this site has brought me support and encouragement in a very short period of time.

For those of you in agony about the choice to have another, I can only say I was there in Jan-June 2009. It was horrible. Every day, every night, the question of whether to have another or not. It definitely wouldn’t have been our desire to have another child for our sakes. It would have been a decision made solely not to deprive our child of a sibling. We went through all the pros and cons above. My husband was very at peace with one child. But I was really torn. Then, one magical day in June, I was talking to a friend of mine who has one biological child and who was adopting another. She said the magic words that finally pushed me off of the fence: “I want to be someone else’s mom.” And I thought, “Wow, I really don’t want to be someone else’s mom. I’m very happy being my child’s mom and if she is the only child that ever makes me a mom, that is perfectly wonderful.” And from that discussion, I was finally able to put down the decision and move on. I have never looked back. Our child has asked for a sibling less than a handful of times and I feel that there is no strong desire (at least at this point) for a sibling. Her life is full and good and she knows she is completely loved and accepted by her parents and that NOTHING IS MISSING. We talk to her about the pros and cons of being a single child. We’re up front about not having to have her toys broken, but also not having a go-to live-in playmate. We have made our decision with open hearts and a desire for the best life for ALL of us. We are one mom, one dad and one wonderful child.

Hi, Emma. Happy to see yet another Canadian here (and I’m happy we attract people from all over the world too). I understand somewhat what you are going through, even though my situation is not comparable to yours. Though I’ve rationally decided I only want one biological child (as I mentioned, I haven’t ruled out adoptioni, but my chances of being able to adopt are probably remote at best), sometimes I have the longing for another (biological) child. Even though I might not be able to do so (I’m 41 and going through what might be premature menopause), even though I couldn’t deal with two small children at once, and even though if I want another biological child I better do so now. But then I ask myself this and say no, I’m not prepared to risk what I have now and go off my birth control and try to conceive and disrupt the equilibrium in my household. But sometimes I still get the urge for another, even though that urge doesn’t come too often. I just want to say: don’t feel guilty about not having another and “giving” your son a sibling. If another child would negatively impact your relationship with your husband, would that benefit your son? Of course you might someday decide to have another – but don’t do it because you feel guilty. From what you are writing here it sounds like your son is happy the way things are.

i’m not entirely sure i’m doing this right … other forums i’ve belonged to were set up differently, but i’m looking to hook up with other parents of only children and this seems to be the place to do it! so, here goes! my name is emma, i live in vancouver, bc, canada. i am 38. my husband is 52. our son marc turned 4 in january. marc is an only child. recently, in a group setting introducing myself and my family situation, i said “my son is an only child and will remain so because my husband and i decided we wanted to stay married.” everyone (all moms) laughed, WITH me, not AT me, and commiserated. i laughed a bit back, but reiterated that it wasn’t a joke. after several years of therapy – both as a couple and individually for me – we have come to the conclusion that adding another child to the mix would be the proverbial straw on the camel’s back of our marriage. we have never tried to have a second child, we do not know if we would struggle or triumph. we will never know. this is not a decision that we made lightly, although i will clearly state that my husband was the driving force behind it. our son is incredible, lively, interested, intelligent, curious, sweet, loving and adventurous. he is also what “they” would call a spirited child. he does everything with a gusto that can be overwhelming to put it mildly and his constant need for attention and interaction are exhausting. he’s well suited as an only child; and in spite of recent requests/curious inquiries about having a brother, i do believe he’s going to live a rich life full of promise. and it’s SO important to me that his life be rich and full and good and fun. not a struggle. not full of strife. not weathering yet another screaming match between his stressed out, exhausted, over-worked not-so-good-at-caring-for-themselves-or-eachother- parents. so because we have worked so hard to overcome our differences and our parenting challenges and our communication breakdowns, it seems incredibly counterproductive to bring another child into our family and start the entire process anew. disintegration of the relationship and all … but some days i struggle horribly, pining desperately for another child. i never planned to be the mother of an only. i don’t know if i would feel worse or better if we HAD tried and failed. the longing is there, regardless of the reasons. but accompanying the longing is the knowledge that we truly have made the best choice for US as a family. i live a strange and interesting balance between the two states of mind. recently, for example, my brother and his wife had their second son. were i to do it again, i would so want another boy. and there they are, with two sons, just what i want. i am jealous, i will admit it, to almost everyone but them (but that’s another story altogether) and i feel achingly sad that i will never again feel the swell of my growing belly, suffer the incessant nausea and heartburn, feel those fluttery movements that give way to hearty kicks and punches. i will never again feel that overwhelming power of the contraction, experience a birth, feel my child’s head pushing out of my body, nurse a newborn, or smell that incredible, intoxicating scent of a new baby’s head. and then i look at my son and husband, similar heads bent in concentration over the colouring book; hear his triumphant shout as my son scores on daddy’s “nhl in the living room” net; and i feel a great sense of pride in our decision. we did NOT go blindly into that good night. we did not just choose to throw caution to the wind and see what would happen. we methodically and purposely analyzed our situation and came to the conclusion that makes the most sense for all of us. and for some reason that is where the guilt comes in. wow … interesting … i don’t think i ever wrote that out before, which makes me wonder if i’ve never quite realized it this way before … okay so, i feel guilty because i am choosing my marriage and myself over a second child. i really feel like we have two choices: give marc everything we can as an only child; OR give him a sibling. what happens after that, there’s no guarantee. we can and DO, do one kid amazingly well. it is our intense fear of what the second would do to us, that has led us to this final choice. my husband lives contentedly with all of this. he is very happy with this decision, with our lives. I am jealous of that, of his ability to just accept. but i also hope to learn from him, to draw some of that comfort, that okay-ness, into myself, and move toward ultimately living in and with it, on a daily basis, without having to weather the extreme ups and downs of wanting what i will never have. ultimately we will return to southern ontario, where my parents (all 3!) are, my husband’s small but warm family, and my crazy huge extended clan of aunts uncles and cousins on my mom’s side. returning home to family and long-time friends will change things again, shift our focus outside of our threesome, where it is firmly placed often i believe, because we are alone here, without much family (and those local do not strive to include us). so down the road, our world will expand beyond our daily lives, and with that change and broader perspective, i look forward to what I believe will be the final stages of true acceptance of my son, as an only child.

153/Ciec You have hit the spot with all of the above.My name is Jamie,from Indiana.My husband and I always! said “ONLY ONE CHILD” BC of the way both of us grew up,very dis-functional,we wanted to give our son the best of this world.All the love that he needs.I had a very bad pregnacy. 1.hard to get pregnant(clomid)got pregnant on day we were not to, 2.Blood Pressure,Bed Rest 3.I was in the doctor office every week 4.Started having contraction to soon. 5.Family made me crazier during the pregnancy 6.I BLEW up full of water. 7,Delivered almost 2 months early 8.No complications during pregnagny son was healthy. 9.PPD very very bad,I didn’t want anthing to do with my own child(HOW could thi sof happened to me) 10.I became very angry over him crying he wouldn’t breastfeed.He wouldn’t take bottle for me.My hubby stepped up,bless him! 11.He had his nights and mornings mixed,so he never slepped. 12.WE went through 3 different formulas. 13.Even my mother was no help!she couldn’t keep him at the house while we moved dor 1 hour.By the time we got home she was holding him at the door waiting for us,BC he was crying. I could keep going,we are always going back and fourth to have another or not,I try to think of all the reasons to and not to.I am the one who really does and I really don’t know WHY,maybe BC I want a baby to dress and cuddle and a litttle but BC I want to be pregnant(sorta)Hubby is finally on board but I am always trying to convince myself NO.Wha tis goin on.I really thing I need a doctor or a book to tell me no!WE homeschool and I am not for sure if Icould handle another kid to school at the same time and the age gap my son is turning 10.We are finally getting on the financial track that we want to be.Our son is not spoiled,he is very thankful and respected.He gets comments all the time onhis behavior.I want to be there for him all the time and support whatever he decides to do in life. I am sorry for gabbing on and on,Iam so happy to find this place. http://meadowcreek-tobin.blogspot.com/ Here is my blog please feel free to visit us

Dear Des, You shouldn’t feel guilty about not wanting another child. And I would ask the people who say your daughter needs a sibling whether they’re willing to stay up all night with a colicky baby if you have one. I’m kidding here of course, but the fact is that they’re not the ones who would be raising your second child. And you’re right that siblings don’t always get along – or maybe they won’t fight, but they might not be particularly close either. I also think children should be wanted for themselves – not to provide a sibling for an existing child, to “save” a breaking marriage, etcetera. So it sounds like you’ve thought well and hard about why you don’t want another child and come up with some good reasons for yourself.

Wow! I love this site! Ceic, I feel like your 5 reasons could’ve been written by me too! What a difficult decision this is; to have one or to have more? I am the same I do not want anymore children but the guilt weighs on me. We have close family friends who have an only child, one daughter who just graduated from University, she is a happy well rounded, adjusted young woman. When I think about all the reasons people tell me my daughter needs a sibling they just don’t make sense to me. I have one brother, we’re not that close, we live near eachother but only see or talk when we are at our parents house, there’s no hostility, we just aren’t that close. We have different lifestyles and values. Also I have always felt that my mom has favored my brother, this has hurt me very much and I do not want my daughter to ever feel this way. And I have always wanted a sister :)so I think, no matter what you have in life, or in your childhood, you always seem to want something different. My main reason for not having another child is that I do not believe I would be able to do a good job raising more than one, I think it is going to be a difficult job through the teenage years, and I want to be able to focus my energy on my daughter and I want a life with my husband too. I don’t think I could have more than one and do it well.

Hi, Janice. I’m not that far away from you; I live in Toronto. About your son wanting a sibling, I think it’s easier to resist pressure to have another child from family members, in-laws or even a spouse than it is from a child. On the other hand, you have to remember that it’s not your son (or in my case my daughter) who will be raising a second child; it’s you and your husband who will. So don’t have another child out of a sense of duty or guilt. That’s my view, anyway.

Wow, I found you! I have been thinking for so long about whether I could find a place where I could “talk” about my guilt feelings of having only one child. My son is one of the happiest 4 year old boys I have ever seen. My husband and I love him to bits and are very close and strong family unit. The only thing is that he does ask for a sibling and with his personality I feel fairly sure he would love one. Only thing is that my husband and I both have no desire for another one. Is it right to have a child then for my child? Sometimes I think if I did it I would love that child regardless and give my son what he probably deserves. Any others out there feeling the same? and what have you decided if at all yet? Also, any single child families in Barrie, Ontario looking to hang out with another single child family? we find that friends with multiple children don’t have as much of an interest to do things with other kids on week-ends and such since their kids have each other, so we are trying to find a way to connect to another family like us.

Dear Ciec,Your list of 5 wrong reasons for having a child could have been written by me too. I completely understand where you are coming from. Most of the time I feel content with my decision to have one child but sometimes I get overwhelmed by guilt or inadequacies and I just don’t know what to do. My first pregnancy was unplanned but it was a wonderful and welcomed surprise at the time. If I were to get pregnant again, I think I would definitely be okay with it. But, actually sitting down and deciding that you are ready to be pregnant for someone like us is a torturous mental experience. I just tell myself that the only good reason to have another child is because I want that child. And, until I can say that with certainty I will continue on being the mother of one wonderful daughter. I hope that this helps you to find some peace with your decision

My only advice would be don’t have a second child for the wrong reasons, one being the idea that if you don’t your daughter will have a deprived childhood. Plenty of only children turn out to be very happy people, and in my view a child should be wanted for his/her own sake and not to provide a sibling to an existing one. As for pleasing your family and in-laws, ask yourself this question: are they going to help raise the second child (i.e. stay up all night with a colicky baby, etc.)? But if you decide to have a second child for yourself, that’s perfectly fine too. But don’t do it for anyone else, including your child, family, friends, etcetera.

I am writing because I find myself torn about having more children. Almost a year ago I was in the same place that I am in now. For a time I was able to quiet the battle in my head about having more children. I was content with one and the thought of enjoying her childhood and not worrying about doing it all over again, etc…BUT as of late everyone around me is having # 2 or # 3 (school, neighborhood and church) and I am all of a sudden uncertain again. I feel a lot of guilt for feeling uncertain about more children or not want to have more. I worry my decision will hurt my daughter in the long run, will she resent me not giving her a life-long companion(as my brother calls it), will she be lonely, etc…but I find myself wanting another child for all the wrong reasons.. 1. just do it and get it over with, so I can be past this part of my life…get to the next step of the children’s development (not a baby person, neither is my husband) 2. to please others (my family and in-laws) 3. because I feel guilty 4. that is what I am supposed to do or what I envisioned my life would look like 5. so she will have a playmate or life-long companion …but I do not want another child because I have this aching need to have another. On the flip side there are tons of reasons not to have another…. 1. I love my daughter and want to give her a good life 2. Pregnancy did not agree with me (High-Blood Pressure, Water Retention, Placenta Previa, C-Section, PPD for over 15 months) 3. Not a baby person and having a child with colic was very hard on me and my husband 4. Finances do not really allow it…although people say that you do not wait to have children until you can afford it, that you will find the money…I do not want to live so tight to have 2 children that I can not give them meaningful experiences 5. I want to be able to help my daughter more than my parents were able to help me (college, support, time, etc…) 6. To have my own life and time with my husband. I want my daughter to have a full and happy childhood; however, I do not want to lose myself or my relationship with my husband to do it. We had a very difficult transition from married life to family life(who is to say it was not just the colic and PPD, but who is to say that having more children is going to make if fill more fulfilled or feel further apart, because we have less time for one another…I know this sounds selfish!) I just wish there was a magically simple answer! How do I move on? How do I make this decision…if we have another will I feel better? If we decide to have an only…how do I make the guilt or feelings of inadequecy go away? I am writing because I need your ADVICE – Help!!! How do I quiet my mind and others that question having an only child?

Yes, in Canada the terms “South Asian” and “East Indian” are interchangeable. Also, they refer to people not just from India but from Sri Lanka, Bangladesh and Pakistan. In Toronto, where I live, there is a big South Asian neighbourhood with shops, restaurants, etcetera, but you can generally find Indian restaurants anywhere in the city. I just wanted to say that in a lot of Western countries we have seen fertility rates fall rapidly. For example, Italy, where my father was born, has about the lowest birth rate in Europe, if not the world. But often people have this idea that Italians have huge families, number one because they’re Catholic, two because movies like The Godfather tend to reinforce that idea. So the West has changed a great deal too.

Emilia Liz , what do you mean East Indian population ( do you mean South asian?).

basically it seems to me looking at the above that we have3 types of situvation 1) people who are okay with 1 child and just find other people too snoopy 2)People who are trying to decide on the 2nd child 3) People who want to have another and are trying hard for it. I think i belong to the 2nd category. So i am asking if there are anyone who grew up alone and what was the experience like .

Thanks both of you to answer my question. I live in Mumbai ( one of the bigger cities of India). Things have changed a lot for us in the past 15 years. My mother in law had 5 children and nearly 20 years differnce between the 1st and last. She had only basic education (10th grade)enough to read and write and than complete Home science course which basically teaches you to be a good housewife and mother and cook a variety of cuisine. But today things have changed in India that most women do not marry till 27-30 and usually are carrer women (not working ladies) and have kids when they hit 30/ 31 . Unlike in the west , we have moved at a very fast spedd (1.5 generation) and no one really knows the consequence of having an only child (34% population in cities choose that). We are increasing looking towards the west for our answers…. yes to answer your question only old ladies ask these question ..others just dont ask you (they probably do wonder)…but in cities people are too tactful to be caught like that. Hence they never ask directly atlest

I live in New Orleans and I would say that people down south tend to have larger families (but maybe it just seems that way to me). We really don’t know any other families of three like us (by choice). I am sure they are out there but we just haven’t met them yet. All our friends have already had second kids or are trying at least and they constantly wonder/question out loud when we will do the same. Sometimes I actually get the impression that they think we really are trying to have another kid but don’t want to say anything until after we’re pregnant – even though I am very serious when I say to them, “No more kids for us, we are happy just the way we are.”

To Reema, I live in Toronto, Ontario, Canada (where we do, by the way, have a large East Indian population). I was just wondering: where you are, have you faced any criticism, disapproval, etcetera, for having an only child? I like to think in Canada things are getting better, but you’ll still hear the occasional “Oh, how selfish you are to have an only child” or “You’re raising a spoiled brat,” etcetera. I just let it go over my head, but some people still think they know what’s best for everybody else…

This forum is quite useful and i am glad i found it. if you mind would anyone share where they are coming from. Culture and geography can make a differencd. I belongto India BTW

Cat – thank you so much for your response. I think what worries me the most is that Rose cannot be put in daycare or dropped off in school like other kids. We tried home care nursing and are giving up. For multiple reasons we’ve seen 18 nurses come and go through our house within 2 years. We are done! So my husband had to quit his job and is now home to take care of Rose (it made more financial sense). For safety reason Rose can only be left with either me or my husband. Currently my husband stays in school with her. As things stand, we are barely getting by on one salary… How could we possibly take care of another baby? If we had another child, we would not be able to afford daycare for that child. My husband would have to stay home with Rose and the baby. Rose would not be able to go to school… She LOVES school. This is crazy! I am racking my brain and cannot find a solution! And I can’t ignore the fact that Rose has reached her two million dollar lifetime cap on my health insurance. Yes, you read that right: our monkey has had over two million dollars in medical bills. She is now on private health insurance. She is “sick enough” that her monthly premiums are covered by the state. The day her trach will be out (when?), she will no longer qualify and these $560/month will come out of our pocket. Also she cannot be left alone at night so either my husband or I sleep with her. My husband and I have not slept in the same bed for months! We have been juggling multiple surgeries and procedures (she has been close to 50 times under general anesthesia – her longest reconstructive surgery was 12 hours long). She still has 13 doctors and surgeons following her. Even though Rose is now stable, we are still in survival mode and cannot imagine more chaos in our lives.

Amelie – thanks for sharing your story with us. While I don’t have any experience of having a child with medical issues my oldest sister has an extremely rare mitochondrial disease (she is 42 and we just got a diagnosis last year). We did not find out that she was sick until she was 13 and my parents already had three kids so they didn’t have to make any the decisions you are faced with. And, I can say that much of childhood revolved around what was best for my sister and how I could help her out. This used to cause a lot of resentment on my part but now my sister and I are very close and I am thankful for the wonderful relationship we have. As it would be in your family, I protect and take care of my older sister and I am glad that I can be that person for her. I totally understand that you feel exhausted as I often feel that way with just one healthy child. So, I think that only you know what you can take on and hopefully your husband will understand that too. I don’t intend to have any more children but I definitely have times that a go back and forth in my head and question my choice. I wish you all the best in coming to a decision that is best for your family. I just wanted to let you know that younger siblings can learn a lot from an older sibling with a serious disease and grow to become very close friends.

My 3-year old daughter Rose was born with a very rare condition and is trached and g-tube fed. We spent the first year of her life in the hospital. Oddly enough she is on target developmentally and she is the shining star of our lives. She has the best sense of humour and gives us so much joy. I could not dream of a better bond with a child. She is absolutely wonderful. (PS: she is the Passy Muir ambassador: http://www.passymuir.com , her pic is right on the homepage). The thing is: she needs a LOT of care. My husband wants another child but I find myself completely EXHAUSTED. I just don’t think I have it in me to take care of another baby. I know as I am writing this that I have made my decision but I keep going back and forth and back and forth in my head. It is draining. Are there any of you out there in the same situation? Whose first child had a medical condition and had turned your life completely upside down? Did you decide on having another child anyway? Did you have the strength? It’s never spoken about in articles. It’s typically about the mother having medical issues, not the first child. Any feedback would be wonderful.

Dear LA, Thank you for your comment. If you want to set up an only child network, you might want to put a notice in your town or city’s Craig’s List or other venue. I must say that where I live (Toronto, Ontario, Canada), there’s no shortage of only children. But come to think about, in my hometown (Windsor, same province, same country, right across from the American city of Detroit), when I was growing up there were few only children in my classroom, neighbourhood, etcetera. The only one I can remember is a girl I babysat who was adopted. So I presume her parents were probably infertile and couldn’t adopt another child – this was the time in which the supply of “healthy white babies” was drying up. Speaking of adoption, in theory I’m not totally closed to it. But I’m realistic, and I know my chances of doing so are fairly remote. And I have to admit I’m not a saint, so I wouldn’t knowingly adopt a child who had emotional/mental/psychological issues. So I’m going on the premise that my daughter will be my only child.

I’m so happy to have found this site and I can definitely relate to most posting especially Emilia Liz’s #140. We are also a family of three but most if not all of the families we socialize with are families with several children. I would like for my daughter to know that there are other families out there like ours. Has anyone tried to set up a Only Child Network and if so do you recommend doing this? PS. Admin, how do I go about setting up a local Only Child Network ? yourtownname.onlychildproject.com

Having an Only Child The other day my mother and I were sorting through my daughter’s old baby clothes. We put them in two piles, one for things she could wear in the upcoming months and another for those she had already outgrown. We debated what to do with the second pile of clothing: should we give it to my brother and sister-in-law, who are considering having a third child; send it out West to my newly married cousin and his wife; or donate it to the Salvation Army or some other charity? For now we’re keeping it on hold. One option that didn’t come up, though, was saving it for me in case I have another baby. It suddenly struck me: my daughter Gabriella Michelle will probably be my only child. I didn’t deliberately set out to have only one child. Over the years my ideas on family size have changed. When I was young, I wanted four children, just like my mother’s family of origin with her, my aunt and their two brothers. After I got engaged in college, my former fiancé and I pictured a family of two children, a girl and a boy. But eventually I came to like the notion of an only child. This preference was driven home to me by various babysitting experiences and, more recently, by an outing to the park with my daughter, my brother and his two kids. I remember desperately trying to keep Gabriella and my nephew, both fourteen months, in my field of vision as they scampered off in different directions while my brother tended to my niece. To make the story short: I wished I were a bird (most birds have a 360-degree field of vision). I realize I can’t handle more than one small child at once. An alternative to having an only child is waiting six years or so for when my daughter is no longer so dependent on me. Given that I’m forty years old now, however, by that time there’s a good chance I’ll either be infertile or, in the event of a pregnancy, at higher risk of problems like miscarriage or Down syndrome. In the case of the latter, for instance, I’d rather not find myself pushed into choosing between having an abortion and bearing a Down syndrome child. There are other options besides the so-called “natural way,” namely reproductive technologies and adoption. I’ve never seriously considered the first: while I’m by no means against reproductive technologies, what might be appropriate for, say, a childless couple in their thirties would not feel right for me, a woman over forty with a biological child. On the other hand, I have looked into adoption more closely. But my chances of expanding my family this way also seem slim. Foreign adoption is expensive, not only in terms of fees for the process itself but in wages lost from time taken off work to travel to the country in question. In addition, my age (and my husband’s; he’s 56) and the fact I already have a biological child would probably place us at the bottom of a prospective adoptive parents list. I’ve explored domestic adoption as well. Unfortunately, most of the kids available here in Canada have emotional and/or developmental problems due to neglect, prenatal exposure to alcohol, etcetera, and I don’t personally feel capable of raising a child with these kinds of issues. (Of note, I once ended a relationship with a man with manic depression partly for fear any children we would have might inherit his condition.) On one website I examined there was a single child I would have considered adopting – a beautiful East Indian girl with a purely physical handicap – but lo and behold, the next time I checked the site she was gone, placed with a family. And I’m sure that if I had applied to take her I would have been competing with other families viewed as more suitable than mine, for the reasons mentioned above. So now I basically have come to the conclusion that I’ll probably have only one child in this lifetime. Most of the time, I think of the positives in this. They include being able to spend more time with my daughter, in volunteer activities, and at solitary endeavours such as writing this article. The extra time with my daughter has created a special closeness between us (not that parents with two or more children can’t be close to each one of them). For me, it’s not so much the “quality time” that I cherish but rather the simple things like singing with her as I do the dishes, carrying her around the neighbourhood in my “pouch” (Baby Bjorn), and reading her the stories she loves. I also appreciate the fact I don’t have to deal with trying to divide myself between two small children who both need my attention, worrying about money, or breaking up sibling squabbles. Don’t get me wrong: I admire people like my brother and sister-in-law who can handle two or more small children at one time. I just don’t know if I could do the same. With any decision, whether it’s living without children, having only one child, or reproducing a la Michelle Duggar, there are pros and cons. On the rare occasion I’ll get the urge for a second baby, small and sweet like my little girl. My biggest questions, however, have to do with my daughter herself. Am I harming her by depriving her of a brother or sister? My mom once told me the good thing about siblings is that they are still there when your parents are gone. One book called siblinghood the longest-lasting bond. On the practical side, if I become incapacitated in my old age will my daughter resent not having someone else to share the burden of caring for me with? Overall, though, I’m confident she’ll be fine. I’ve researched the academic literature on the effect of being an only child versus having siblings, and it’s been fairly reassuring: some studies show only children do better than their peers; others suggest they suffer disadvantages; and still more find no difference between the two groups. Of course my lifestyle is not for everybody. Though I don’t like societal attitudes that label parents of onlies as “selfish” or only children as “spoiled brats,” I don’t have any problem with the two-child family being the norm. And I can’t entirely rule out the possibility that I might have another child, either biologically or by adoption. But in all likelihood I will remain a mother of one, and I am content with this.

Elissa, I find your story very interesting, how you started out by thinking you would have 5 kids. A lot of parents make specific plans before having their first child and then everything changes… If you are confident in your decision, it’s probably the right one for you.

I am writing today because I need some advice on how to handle a particular situation. My mother-in-law was an only child and she seems to still have a lot of anger and resentment about it. She always talks about “my second child” or “how such and such will be different with number two” and I always tell her the same thing: We are not having any more kids. Then, she makes comments about how I can’t do that to my current child or how that’s just wrong or how I will change my mind. I actually have a good relationship with her and in most other ways she is helpful and supportive. I realize that her feelings here have a lot more to do with her issues then with mine but I still want her to understand that her comments are not appropriate. I believe that she would stop saying things like that if she knew they hurt me. However, I just can’t seem to get up the guts to tell her that. Has anyone ever had to have this conversation? Please give me some advice on what I can say to smooth over this situation and not mess up our otherwise good relationship. Thanks!

Hi guys, this is such an awesome site! I have googled ‘only child’ so many times, searching for others out there who have a family of three and expderience similar feelings to me. I come from a large family, I am the eldest of 4 girls. I love all my sisters so much and 2 of my sisters are my best friends. I loved my childhood as part of a large family. When DH and I got married and started trying for a bub we planned on having 5 kids. It took way longer than expected to get pregnant and when I had morning sickness we decided on 3 kids. Then in the last few weeks of pregnancy I declared I would only ever do it one more time,so it was decided we would have 2 kids. The night DS was born I was really looking forward to doing it all over again one more time. When DS was 3 weeks old, he got sick and ended up having surgery and staying in hospital for a few days. While DS was in surgery (it was also my birthday) DH took me shopping to try and keep our minds off the surgery and our tiny boy. On the way back to the hospital we were standing at the traffic lights, we turned and looked at each other and said at the same time “no more babies”. We promisedourselves we would never put ourselves through this kind of pain and stress ever again. When DS was 18 months old I was finally diagnosed with PND and ended up needing medication. I am still on the medication, and DS is now 3.5 years old. I love being a mum so much and DS is just the bestest, however I really dont believe our marriage could handle another child. At the moment we are so happy just the 3 of us. DH and I are starting to have lots of time together, lots of date nights, DS is so self suffucient these days. I get clucky A LOT, and deciding whether or not to have another bub has been agonising at times, but I have recently come to the realisation that the reasons I want another child arent good enough to bring another child int o the world. I want a cute little baby to dress up and show off and nuggle and smell. However I dont want the sleepless nights and I dont want to have more children to deal with on a daily basis. Luckily this year 2 of my sisters had baby boys so now I know that DS will always have his cousins, I know that they will all grow up with a sibling like relationship as we sisters are very close and catch up on a weekly basis if not more and we all babysit for each other. DS is such an outgoing little boy, always making new friends where ever we go. He will find a playmate all the time, he just walks up to kids and says “will you be my friend?” then he has a little friend for the rest of the day! DH and I plan to have an open house policy. DS will be able to have mates around when ever, sleep overs all the time. He will be given the option of inviting a friend when we go on holidays. We are lucky that I come from a large close knit extended family, so he has lots of little kids to grow up with, I know he will never be alone or lonely. ANyway, that is my story in a nutshell Thanks for such a supportive site

Cat, don’t sweat it. People often want to justify their own choices by making sure everyone else makes the SAME choices that they did. It’s BS. What’s right for my family is not right for everyone. What’s right for your family, Mr. or Ms. Nosebody, is not right for everyone. Statistics show that only about 50% of siblings have good relationships as adults. So, it’s a crap shoot. Another child might be your child’s best friend, or worst enemy or a complete nonentity. So, just learn to smile and say “this is what’s best for OUR family.”