General Discussion

as the time goes on and my son grows older, i find myself more and more accepting of his only status. i also find myself taking back the phrase, if you will, and responding with joy and happiness when i discuss having an only child. i think a huge part of our sucessful family life will be contributed to the ongoing attitude of YES. i know i sound like an infomercial, trying to sell you something on late night television… but it’s true. the more accepting i am of our situation, the more acceptable the situation becomes. now i get a great deal of help from my child himself who will tell anyone who asks that he does NOT miss having siblings and does not wish for a brother OR a sister. he just likes “mumma, daddy and me”. period. many times, in a guarded effort to ease my own anxiety, i have asked him: do you wish you had a brother? what about a sister? do you like your life? he’s only five, but it matters to me. a lot. and yes, because he’s only five, i realize that he doesn’t have a clue what he’ll need when he grows up (but really who does?!). but if i tell him now that something is missing, he’ll grow up believing that. and if instead, i focus constantly on what he has, on what a wonderful gift and experience his life is, then that will be the focus. and if he comes to me some day and wishes for more, for a sibling, we’ll talk about it openly and honestly. and hopefully i can help him cope with some of the feelings that that may bring up. i’ve said this before, but you just can’t know what you’ll get out of relationships when you age. my close friend hasn’t seen his sister in 15 years. they speak once/year around xmas or when/if they have to coordinate travel for their mom. one of my own brothers lives a mere half hour from me and i see him two, three times/year. RELATIONSHIPS are what are important in a person’s life. friends CAN give more than family sometimes. there is no black and white in this debate. only multiple shades of grey …

All and all after reading these comments it seems that it all comes down to how a person was raised. If you are the only child or a parent of the child and you have people droping in and out of your life off and on you don’t really feel alone because you have someone around. And you also have your alone time where you can unwind and rest. But if not you feel left out. I find myself talking out loud just to hear a voice as if I’m talking to someone.

A - Try not to worry about what your son’s life will be like years from now. Who knows what will happen. Enjoy your family today, as it is now. I am an only, dealing with my mom in a nursing home. People ask me if it’s difficult doing it myself. Well, yes, it is. But I think it would be worse if I had a sibling who wasn’t helping. At least now I know what my role is and where I stand. And I am not alone in my life – I have a great husband and 2 great kids. Just the other day someone asked if I am lonely. I laughed. Yeah, maybe I was lonely 40 or 50 years ago, but now being an only is sort of a moot point.

I guess my biggest concern is that feeling that time is passing by so quickly – even more so lately it seems. I just don’t want to have any regrets. I don’t want to resent my carefree husband who flys by the seat of his pants and doesnt seem too concerned at all about this. I hate to feel like our little family is here by accident. Unplanned. And somehow we’re just doing our best to work around it. Makes me feel so lonely, shallow and selfish. I love love love my almost 9-year-old son and it just breaks my heart that I couldn’t or can’t make it right for him. I brought him into this mess and I can’t start over again. Honestly, my logical side knows I’m crazy to really consider having another child now. It makes very little sense. People don’t ever ask me when I will have another one either. It’s like they are jealous of our little family. They tell me how lucky I am to have the best of both worlds. How I shouldnt consider starting over now. How tiring raising multiple children is. How the economy is so bad and we are smart to stop now. How siblings don’t make it easier either because they end up fighting a lot and might just be very different in personality so that they are never close anyway. And all of these things make sense. But here’s the thing: they aren’t the ones who will be an only child. They aren’t the ones who have a higher risk of being alone on family-oriented holidays. They aren’t the ones who will have to carry the sole burden of ailing parents….alone at the funerals….they make a point when they imply we’ll be better off now financially– but really, what’s more important – money or family? Can you really put a price on love? I don’t know. Most days I’m happy and content with the way things are….and then I find myself overwhelmed with these fears that I’m making a huge mistake.

I am sorry to hear your story BUT I wouldn’t push to have another child just to have another prson to take care of us when we get older or to help out in certain circumstances.

I’m an only child and it sucks.I have no close friends because when I was a child I had and still do have epilepsy.I am now 55 and I have a mother who had a stroke.I take care of her by myself.I don’t drive any more so you have to find someone to take you where you need to go I hate this I fell like a burden.I was married but not now.It felt funnie with my wifes family she came from a family of 14 children.We still talk and have 2 children.

Hi all, I am an only who currently has a 2-year old son. After having one, I know now that I do not want another for the various reasons posted above (finances, career, stress levels, my own happy childhood, etc.). But, my husband does not agree and this is causing a lot of friction! Does anyone have any tips about how to talk to a spouse about this? I would appreciate any advice, thanks!

Well, I agree that some people do have more kids when they can least afford it! For instance, I once read a book where a woman with one child and living on social security (British version of welfare) was undergoing artificial insemination to have another. Mind you, I don’t have anything against welfare for people who really need it, and I might have been more understanding if this woman had become pregnant accidentally and didn’t want an abortion or didn’t have any children at all, but here I think she was overstepping her bounds. I understand as well when you say that maybe having another baby would disrupt your present lifestyle. In my view, I’m open to adoption when my daughter is a little older. But while often people want to adopt small babies, I might be inclined to adopt a six-month- to two-year-old (unfortunately many children older than that have undergone abuse and may have behavioural problems, and I wouldn’t feel equipped for that challenge) because number one, I’ve given away most of my baby stuff and two, I’m not sure I’d want to go through the colic, waking up during the night, etc. Not that either was too bad with my daughter, but I think I’ve done my duty in this regard!

Emilia,sorry if I sounded wrong there.I am talking MORE of people I know about having more kids and NOT thinking. I would L O V E to have more kids but it has been 10 years now and we are finally comfortable with our financial standings.The thing is hubby said OK if that is what I want,I don’t know what I want anymore.YES if it would be an easy pregnancy on me(????)and if we could afford an add on(we only have a 2 bedroom,so if we had a girl))The economy is playing a big role in our decision(for me)I don’t want our family to suffer at any cost BC of my want in life.The fact that our famiy would change dramatically. Zachary is at that age where he is ok with being an only(((at times)).Do I really want to go through the whole baby stage and all that comes with it.I guess it would be easier if I or hubby got fixed(haha that just sounds funny:) Maybe I should try this year to give this desire up!!!!!Anyone else feeling this way.

To Diana, I’d say don’t have another baby unless you’re absolutely 100% sure that’s what you want to do. And maybe you might want to wait a few more years even if you do decide to have another. To Jamie, my brother and his wife have three kids. I think the third was a bit of a surprise but not so much of a surprise. From what my sister-in-law told me, they weren’t using reliable contraception, and they had kind of been discussing having another child for some time. But now my sister-in-law is adamant they’re done! So I don’t think they necessarily had a baby without thinking of the consequences. I am sure if they were having financial troubles they would have used trustworthy contraception. Yes, some people do have children without thinking, but for others it’s a deliberate decision, even if it might be the decision I would make (for instance, I like having more one-on-one time for my daughter, so for example having children less than two years apart would have a non-option for me). I spent some time with my brothers’ kids this week (a six- and three-year-old and a seven-month-old baby). I really love seeing them, but it corroborates in my mind that there is no way I would have more than child close in age at one time. Then I always like going back to my quiet household with one child…

I wonder if those families that are having more children even think about PRICES and COSTS of having another kid at all.We have been thinking on IF we were to have another child could we even afford it,would I still be able to stay-at-home and homeschool???????The cost of everything is always going up and gas prices now are CRAZY.. How do they actually live comfortably withoput worrying if they can give their family the neccessities that they need. My brother has 3 girls and they are always buying NEW clothes and the newest items on the market BUT then at thea same time they are hurting BC I see it and they even lost their home and now are renting. Why is it that some can just keeping having kids without even thinking???????

Hi Everyone, I am new to this discussion, but find it oh so helpful! My husband and I always talked about having 2 kids, but now we are enjoying our 2 year old daughter so much, happy that she is hitting her milestones and questioning whether we want to start the whole process over again. My biggest concerns are companionship for her as she grows up and making sure she has family around her after we are gone. I know, rationally, these concerns are easily addressed in life – but it still all weighs on my brain. Thank you for this forum to get parents talking!

Does anyone know of any BLOGS or GROUPS(yahoo)that are for us,you know the ones with onlies. I would like to have somewhere to talk with you all about lots of things.

Hello, happy holidays everyone. Sorry, I’ve been lazy and haven’t contributed lately. My brother and wife and three kids are going to be coming (were stalled in England due to the bad weather there), so I’m wondering what’s going to happen with all four of the children together. I have to say yes, sometimes I get little twinges for another child. But spending time with my niece and nephew (now there’s a second niece from their side of the family) makes me realize that although I love spending time with them, I’m happy to hand them back to their parents at the end of the day. Don’t get me wrong: if anything happened to my brother and sister-in-law, I would take the kids in a heartbeat. But I realize how much work more than one small child at a time would be and that I’m happy with the girl I have.

I havent heard anyone lately so I thought I would Wish You all a HAppy New YEar!!!!!How did your CHristmas go????We actually had a very nice relaxed Christmas with just the 3 of us.We went to my brother-in-laws and noticed with 4 girls how much he spent onChristmas.We actually was able to spend a little more on SPECIAL items with just haveing one child.BUT with also seeing that whole craziness family thing with all the kids running crazy does make me wonder a little(???about having more)but then I think WHY what is wrong with our family of 3.

I am slowly starting to think the same thing.This is concerning the $$$$$ it takes to raise another child and the $$$$$ to further education and so on.It is cheaper to have just ONE and we can actually start traveling without the diapers and someone crying. I really agree with the comment #199 about the environment and overpopulation.Maybe someone whould tell the Duggar family about that!!!!!!! Blessings you all and have a safe Thanksgiving

To one and only: Thank you for sharing. I can not tell you how what you wrote about growing up as an only and your feelings about raising an only mean. All the reasons that you give for having an only child are exactly what my husband and I feel; however, there is always that nagging feeling(or other people’s opinion) that I am failing our daughter on some level without giving her a sibling (or life long partner as my brother likes to call it), but to hear that people who are onlies do grow up and live happy, normal lives is a relief. We are happy with our family of 3 and I can only hope that the happiness we feel will be shared by my daughter and that she will know that we are doing what it best for all (we hope) in the long run. Happy marriage/parents = happy child. I also hope that we will be able to give her more attention, a college education, traveling experiences, etc… since we both work and I can not stay home. I can only hope that the time we do get to spend with her will be more meaningful and she will know that she has my undivided attention whenever possible :) Thank you again for sharing.

I am an only child myself and absolutely loved it growing up. I never felt I missed anything except bickering or getting beat up by a sibling (that’s mostly what I saw of multi-kid families and my extended family. I always had what I needed and went to public school where I flourished and eventually got a degree at a top university. I am now happily married with an 18-month only of my own. Sometimes my husband puts the pressure on about having another child, but I am completely content raising my little girl and having a life too. Having an only child means: a more managable life situation in general, including ability to travel sooner and with more ease, a calmer family existence, more finanical means (e.g. only have to save for one college fund, only have to pay once for preschool, can live in a smaller house/apartment, etc.) and most importantly for someone like me, less stress! Let’s face it, in my situation as a stay at home mom I am doing the bulk of the work with the child, and if I feel having an only is best my husband will need to truly think that through and support that, until he can find a way to get me a lot more help. Also, I have a very, very active only and she needs lots of attention (not only for affection but to stay safe) and it is important to be realistic about what I can truly manage. When someone chids me about having an only, I remember also that I am helping the environment and our overpopulation issues as a society and a global citizen by having just one child. There is lots more to say, but the bottom line is I have to make the best decision for me and my family-and as someone who is an only child myself with a positive experience I am very happy and content with my decision. Best wishes to all only childrena and parents of only children out there!

I apologize, Jamie, if I came across abrupt in my last message. I did not mean to offend, and wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide. Having children is rarely an easy decision. Janice

OKAY sorry for the misunderstanding message that I wrote.I am not saying to or not to have another kid for a playmate.I simply understand this situation BC my son is the same way right now.BUT on the other hand I am not for sure if I am totally not finished with having kids.I always have this feeling of being a mother to more children.I am not for sure totally NOR will I ever be for sure.We are not trying yet we are still discussing it.I just am not going tohave another kid for my son to have a sibling/playmate.He has friends and 5 dogs.ALL I AM SAYING IS I AM NEEDING TO FIND ANSWERS SOMEWHERE TO MY OWN QUESTIONS BUT SO FAR I HAVEN’T.Sorry for the confusion in my writing.

Dear Jamie: Thanks for your response. But, it seems like you are contradicting yourselfin your own message. you start out saying don’t have another kid to provide a playmate, but then it seems like that is exactly what you are doing. Maybe you need to take your own advice?? REmember, yes, your son wants a sibiling, but he does realize it will be a baby for sevearl years and not a playmate right? And guess what, that baby will be your responsiblity, not his. So, you have to have this baby because you want it because you will be the one taking care of it and staying up all nigth with it, etc., not him….soemthing I also think about a lot. But, remmeber that this baby will not be a baby forever. So, about 4 to 5 years in he or she will start to be independent and all those wonderful things they get at this age, as I am sure you remember. So keep all of these things in mind before you make such a huge decision. I think that is what makes it so agonizing, is once you have one, you can’t take it back if it’s not working out like a new outfit. They are there for life. Janice

We all will feel like we are depriving our ONLIES of the playmate BUT we need to find elsewhere to look for that NOT by having another baby that they can’t play with until 5 yrs or so.My son just turned 10 and he is always saying that he is bored by himself and wants a sibling really bad. WELL I stopped the pill but now I am wondering if we are really thinking clearly.Hubby says just let it happen BUT I am having doubts WHY WHY WHY he is on bored BUT I am having doubts now.I feel in a way is it worth going through all that again,10 years later,all the baby stuff,no sleep and the $$$$.I feel that I am coming up with reasons to NOT have another baby then there are times that I see babies and want to have more.I AM GOING CRAZY

Hello All, Having a bad day on the only child issue today and needed to write. I feel like everywhere I turn I see 2 siblings happy and playing, and being with each other, having each other’s company, and it rips at my heart like words could not explain. My husband and I personally do not want to have another child, but the guilt is so strong on most day, I fear I will do it for my 5 year old son who is the most social boy I have ever known, and who constantly wants his friends to come over because he is lonely being the only child in the room. He is a very happy guy, but I know he longs for some company. Part of me knows that if I had a baby now, which I cannot afford anyway, he would not be able to play with him/her like he wants. He wants another 5 year old. And, I fear that I will resent him and the baby if I had another and did all the sacrificing for the baby that I don’t want to do and he didn’t play with him/her, and had the same issues, I think I would freak….because I know I had the baby for him and not us. Oh, I am not sure this is all making any sense. My head is spinning and my chest heavy heavy with guilt, I don’t think this guilt will ever go away…will it? Janice

Hello ladies, I had an epiphany tonight, which you would think would be obvious. There is no denying, and every mother would tell you whether they have 1 or more children, that having kids is difficult, tiring, and comes with so much sacrifice, that it is just something that you cannot do without knowing for 100% that this is what you really want, as that is what will get you through those difficult times. I know when I wanted to get pregnant with Jakob that it was right, I knew it and I felt it. Now that feeling is not there, and unless it returns and I just know it in myself that I want another, 1 will have to do for everyone. Thanks for “listening” ladies, it means a lot. Janice

I feel bad reading Janice’s post, because she is getting all of this input from people who are making her doubt her own feelings, and making her feel guilty. Janice… Do not feel guilty! Do what you feel is right for you. Having a second child to appease friends, neighbors and family is silly. Unless those people plan on coming to your house and raising your kids, they don’t get a vote! Also, your son is now 5 years old. If you get pregnant tomorrow, there will be a 6 year spread in your kids’ ages. Not ideal for the “sibling as playmate” scenario. As for “thinking past the baby stage”, here is something funny to think about. I have 2 kids, one in high school and one in college. The day after my son left for college, a family member commented on my daughter’s behavior by saying “She’s already acting spoiled, because now she’s an only child.” In case you are wondering why I have 2 kids (not to mention 3 step kids, too) and I am posting here, it is because I am an adult only child. I always wanted 2 kids, because I didn’t want my kids getting the grief I get about being an only. When we started our family and I had a difficult time getting pregnant, we immediately started looking into adoption. The result – one adopted, one biological. Those early years were tough, but we are past that baby stage. And we are past the school age stage, and we are almost past the teenage stage. And it’s all been a challenge on some level. So after going through so much to give my kids a “normal” childhood, my daughter is dubbed an only now that her brother is gone?!?? She thinks it’s funny, because we’ve always gotten some grief about our son being adopted. Someone once said that he isn’t a “real” child, so we tease him about not being real, and we tell her that since he isn’t real, she’s an only and should demand to be spoiled. (I always joke about my being an only and thus terribly spoiled.) Add the 3 step siblings, and it gets even funnier. Recently she was filling out a school form that asked how many siblings she has, so she had to decide if she has no siblings, 1 sibling, or 4 siblings. She always says she has 4 siblings. And my son knows that he is real, and loved. And my daughter doesn’t act like a “spoiled only child”, she acts like a normal 16 year old. And I get accused of being a “spoiled only child” even though I am neither spoiled, nor a child. That’s life. Families come in all shapes and sizes, and they all have a story. Enjoy your family, make your own stories, and don’t change anything to appease others.

To Janice, Great, another Canadian on this board! I live in Toronto, which isn’t really near to where you are, but it’s in the same province and general area. Just a few words of advice… well, maybe not advice; I’m not a psychologist. I always think that it’s better to regret not having a second child than to have a second child and later regret having him or her. That is not to say that you would regret having a second, but I do think you shouldn’t have a child because you feel you must have one for your existing son, for your family members, etcetera. I know that the one-child choice may not be the majority choice and that maybe most women with 2+ kids in the same age bracket are happy, but I know myself well enough to know that I personally wouldn’t be. Now to the “selfish” thing. I know parents of only children are often accused of being “selfish.” My answer to that is that we’re all selfish. I was thinking of myself and what I wanted when I decided to have only one child. The woman who has 10 kids was thinking of herself when she decided to have 10 kids because that’s what she wanted. The couple who decides not to have children at all are thinking of themselves because that’s what they wanted. About “depriving” your son of a sibling, maybe we’re all depriving our children of something or other. I’m depriving my daughter of a mother who goes on camping trips with her because I hate camping (when she’s older she can go with her school). So do what feels comfortable for yourself, not what others want for you and your family.

Wow, I may sound crazy right now after reading all of the posts since my original message in May I want to cry..with joy. To see that I am not alone and that so many women from all over feel just like me gives me such a freedom I cannot put into words. I have been plagued with this same subject of all of these posts, whether to have another child or not, pretty much since my son turned around 1. He is 5 now and nothing has changed. I still struggle with it pretty much constantly. As I mentioned in my earlier post, I KNOW I do not want another child. And as so many of you have mentioned that makes me laugh because it is so true for me as well, my husband is so content and sure about only having the one child that I want to choke him sometimes! I have read through all of your comments and you are all exactly like me, people who reason, think through things very thoroughly, probably not accused of being spontaneous very often, and people who weigh pros and cons of most things in our lives. Sometimes I wonder if that is always a good thing, or sometimes a bad thing…should we all be picking apart every angle of this or should we be more risk takers or just not so analytical with this.I have a friend who is currently pregnant with her third and I envy her to no end as she is sooo content with her children, who by the way have not been easy. They are both under 4 and she is probably the happies person I know. My sister-in-law one days said something to me that stuck with me. She said, why don’t you want another one? When I said I don’t want to have to deal with all of the responsibility, she said, “their not small forever, after 2 or 3 years they are off playing with their sibling and starting on their way to be as independent as they do become as they grow older”. I had never really thought past the baby stage, which I hear the most from everyone on this post. Do you guys every think of that?…the fact that the baby part is really not that long and then you have a kid to deal with that is nowhere as challenging. Do you think this is worth considering or would/should it influence the decision to have another? At the same time, I think, wow, 2 kids to feed, bathe, do homework with, pay for sports, take to sports, deal with issues with such as socially (friends, lack of if that were to happen, etc.) and it makes my head spin. Also, by the way, she has 3 kids and is quite miserable in her life. Not with her kids, but I think all of the baggage that comes with having multiple children; money constraints, minimal or not time for herself, etc. I really, really do not want that to be me. But I listen to myself and it all seems to speculative. You just really do not know what will happen if you have another. Are we just too scared? What if we have another and it made out lives that much richer? The speculating in either direction, whether life would be “better” or “worse” drives me mad. I often wish I could be someone else, feel like someone else. Why can’t I have the patience, desire, ability to keep it together like other moms I see with 2 kids? Why do I have to be this person who is more interested in getting back into shape and starting to look attractive again and care about that again like I used to, want to go back to school, have a life with my husband again, which has only started again in the last year since Jakob has been 4 and more independent which feels great too. I know you can’t think about trying to be someone I am not, but I know I would be the devil woman if I had another, the patience just isn’t there, neither is the desire to give what little time I do have for myself, to another child. I know I am rambling here but it feels good so I will keep doing it. Well, I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I am not that all encompased mom that loves being with her kids and not needing to anything else in any major way, that is just not who I am.I don’t just want to be mom, I love being a mom, my son is the light of our lives, but I also want to be a woman, a wife, an individual, and have a part of my life for myself too. I just often feel that this person that I know I am is not fair to my child becase he is missing out on a life with a brother or sister and maybe a great friend and companion, because I am selfish and wanting to spend that time for me and not them….sigh…oh my, I think I am beating myself up quite a bit here but I guess it is who I feel, disappointed in myself but unable to change to that person I wish I could be but am not…..sniff. Just also want to say how much I absolutely love this post and appreciate so much all of you guys and your comments and willingness to be open and spill your guts about all of this, it is really therapy for us all. I love being a woman. If anyone writing lives in the Simcoe County area in Ontario north of Toronto, do contact me. I would love to connect with another single child mom in my area face to face. Keep all of the posts coming ladies, it is food to our souls. Janice xo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONBjEEpKrH0&feature=channel Here is a short video that captures the feelings/thoughts of EVERY ‘only child’ at one time or another. Please post feedback. Thank you…….Jeff

Here’s some good news: http://health.usnews.com/health-news/blogs/on-parenting/2010/08/16/yes-only-children-do-lag-in-social-skills–but-they-catch-up.html

This is a great resource! I am the mom of an only child. We are not having any more children. I like to say that my husband is “fixed”. He didn’t want any other children and I convinced him to try for another when my son was 18 months old. I lost our 2nd child at 18 weeks gestation. We decided at that point we were happy with our family of 3 and we have not looked back. We are so sure that I write an only child blog called the Only Child Option. http://www.only-child-option.com/

Dear Carolyn, Thank you for your contribution. I’m always interested to hear what the experiences of only children themselves were – how our children might come to look at their own childhood. I find it interesting that you’re raising two children. My daughter now says that she wants two babies (I guess she’s not going past the baby stage at this moment). But I tell her any number of kids she has is fine by me. Oh, and for people who say that only children are selfish, I’ve got this response from a woman who was an only children and wrote about it on her website: St. Nick was an only child.

I am an adult only child, and while I can’t say I had an ideal childhood, I grew up fine. My biggest only-related problem at this point is the insensitive and unfair comments I get from friends. They tend to assume to know what my childhood was like, and assume that everything I felt or feel is somehow related to my being an only. It’s a form of prejudice, one that I find offensive. A lot of factors make up someone’s childhood and ultimate adult outlook on life – economic status, personalities of the parents and the child, type of neighborhood, etc. I grew up in the inner city, fairly poor, with a lot of people around me. I played in public parks, went to a large public school, lived in a small apartment, and had to rely on public transportation, as we could not afford a car. I now live in suburbia, where I am raising my 2 children. We all live in big houses, families go on nice vacations, most of us drive nice cars, and all of the kids get a lot – sports, clothing, cars, parties, etc. I’m not saying they are spoiled – that would just be another type of prejudice – but they certainly have more than I could have dreamed of as a child. So I find it… what?… funny, offensive, annoying, ironic – that these suburban parents assume that I was spoiled and selfish. Not to mention that most of these people are not raising large families – most families I know have 2 children. Do they really think they would be living totally differently if they only had one child – I think not.

Dear Linda, My (admittedly amateur) advice is that if you’re not 100% sure of doing something, whether it’s having a child, getting married, buying a house, etcetera, don’t do it. But if you’re so upset about being undecided, maybe you (and your husband; how does he feel about this?) could go see a counsellor or psychiatrist to discuss your feelings and come to some kind of resolution, whatever your final decision is. I mean I can see some advantages of having another child (having an older child, you won’t have to divide your time as much between the two, the pleasure of enjoying your new child’s babyhood) as well as some disadvantages, like starting everything over from scratch, the higher risk of Down Syndrome, and so on. So maybe you could discuss whether the risks outweigh the benefits or vice versa.

Thanks to all for replying here. When I first found this blog. i was every excited. These days, i am so occupied with the idea of having another child or not that my normal life is greatly disturbed,even my health. I want to forget this idea, but it’s so hard for me. I know clearly that there are advantages and disadvantages for everything. But i just cant control myself from weighing the two sides again and again and again. I know my age is almost a critical point. I don’t know whether i will regret for the rest of my life if i miss this last chance. And I am also afraid that i may make a wrong decision to have another child. For these days, i finish every day with the idea of “no another child”, but begin a new day with the idea of “may be two”. Now i can’t have normal sleep and diet. i am so obsessed with this problem that i begin to hate myself so much. I hate my hesitating. i hate my undeciding. I just want to find a way out so much. Anyhow, thanks so much for writing back here.

I feel that way as well.I will always want to have another child BUt,I need to come to terms and enjoy our son.Who knows if we had another child what will happens until it happens.I am the middle child and I feel I have no father BC I am ignored(the one they have nothing to do)THat being said,I always tell my husband that we need to have another child so that our son will have another family memeber to grow up with.BUT then I need to realize that they may groww up and never speak to each other or the age gap(10 yrs old)may be too much for them.And as I read other comments I begin to think if that was to happen(having another child)we would start all over again and our lives would change dramatically,I am not saying that in a bad way but everything would change.there is one major thing with the economy the way it is,what would happen,would I actually have to get a job,how could we afford a add on to the house,homeschooling 2 kids soooo much more. I LOVE THIS BLOG it really helps me realize the truths behing having a only child.

ah, the “only child myth” or is it a myth? one of my biggest fears is very similar cloudy. that i am raising a spoiled brat. my therapist tells me the very nature of being concerned about it is a great first step in making sure it doesn’t happen that way. that said, i do think it’s easier to make allowances and be lenient with one child because they are all you have to deal with. with another kid in the mix, or more than two, there are additional people to consider, likes and dislikes, personalities and requirements. an only child can in turns much more flexible but also much more specific about what he or she needs or wants. i would challenge you a bit, cloudy, when you say you worry if you’ll be up to the challenge of raising an only child to not be those things you worry about, that having a second child is absolutely no guarantee that your first will be or act or behave any differently. know what i mean? kids are who they are, from the time they come out of the womb. yes, we shape them, help them understand their world and learn right from wrong. but if you have a spirited child or a little buddah, that IS who they are. my son was born spirited. he’s never ever been still or quiet or slow or thoughtful. not to say he’s unthoughtful, but he’s not pensive. anyways, all i’m trying to illustrate is that easy is relative, and challenges come in all shapes and sizes ;-) i don’t think we need to prescribe to a stereotype and let it lie. i believe that only children can grow into wonderful thoughtful generous human beings. really, all i need to do is look at my own family – i’m the oldest, and my middle brother is definitely the most self-centred brat of the three of us. he’s married to a middle child who perpetuates his behaviour with her own. so you don’t need to be raised without siblings to be self-centred and spoiled. having another child is zero guarantee that your daughter will be well adjusted and happy, not to be harsh, but that’s my perspective. linda, i think children need to come from the deep, dark desire, weighed against all other aspects of your life. as someone who goes back and forth a lot with this struggle – my own, understand, because the option is off the table in our household – i can relate to WANTING another, i just know it would impact so many other areas of my life in a way that would not be positive. as emilia liz said, and i strongly believe that number of children we have won’t impact our loneliness in old age. the number of siblings we have won’t dictate our pleasure with life. it CAN but there are no guarantees that it’s all positive impact. i do believe, and this is what i strive for, that the greatest impact i can make on my son and his upbringing is to find and make peace with my decisions in life and demonstrate to him how a healthy relationship works, and what it means to honour yourself as an individual. here’s hoping anyways.

I’ve got a daughter and would like another child, but my husband wants to focus on his career and says he can’t do that with another baby. I work too. Either we’ll start trying in the next six months or we won’t. I’m 42, so even if we DO start trying, no guarantee we’ll have another. So I’m trying to come to terms with the idea of having an only child. I’ve just bought a couple of books (including “Joys and Challenges”) and am trying to be open minded. But here’s my problem. Of the only children I know who are my age, most ARE spoiled, don’t understand loyalty, and/or wish they’d had a playmate when they were younger. They have other good qualities, but I find (as someone with both full and half siblings) most have a certain selfishness that I think is on the unhealthy side. I’m a scientist and interested in psychology, so I don’t think this is just prejudice. My observation is that there is something there. Obviously the fact that I know some where this is not true says that it’s not necessary to spoil an only child or to let them be lonely. But it’s a challenge. I guess part of the question is just how hard a challenge and whether I’m up to it. Also, it’s possible that this was a generational thing… that I would find only children in their 20s much better adjusted then the ones I know in their 40s. I guess I just want to confirm that the so-called myth of the “only child” isn’t only a myth. Because only if I know that we share this common view can I then build on the knowledge of the community and trust that I will be able to overcome the difficulties and make my daughter the happy and generous person I’d like her to be.

Hi, Linda. It is always interesting to hear from people around the world about having an only child. I’m Canadian, and we have a few other Canadians who’ve posted here, but most of us are Americans. I can kind of understand your situation: I’m 41 now too, and while I’m pretty sure I won’t be having any more children, at least biologically (I’m open to adoption, even though I know adoption is easier said than done), it still is at the back of my mind that if I want a child, I should have one now. I guess my (admittedly amateur) advice to you is only have another child if you want one, not for your existing child, and don’t not have a child just because you think your son is not keen on the idea. As for loneliness, I don’t necessarily think children are a remedy to loneliness in old age; many times children move far away from home, and even if they’re in the same city it doesn’t necessarily mean they will be emotionally close to their parents. The one advantage, as opposed to disadvantage, about having a large age gap between your son and any future children is that they won’t fight over things like toys, games, etcetera, and you’ll be able to devote more time to a newborn without another young child demanding all your time too. That’s why even if I did decide to have another child, I would wait until my daughter is at least seven years old. I don’t know what the situation is with maternity leave and so on in China. Maybe you could arrange to work part rather than full time, at least during the baby’s first year, if you find your workplace too demanding? But again, I would say maybe you (and your husband) could discuss between yourselves and perhaps other family members or a counsellor (if you have those in China) about whether to have another child and come to a conclusion that way.

Hi,everyone. I am now in the delimma. I don’t know whether i should have another child. My situation is that most people here (China)have only one child in their families. I am an ethnic minority and have the right to have two children. But, when my son (13 years old now) was young, the idea of having two children never occured to me because of the difficulties of raising a baby for a working mother and the financial situation. But now with the improvement of financial conditions and the growing up of my son, the idea of having another chid occured to me very often. However, my main problem is that my job, as a teacher in a university in China, is especially demanding. With another baby coming, i wont have enough time to cope well with my teaching. That will put me under greater pressure. And it is not a practice here in China for women (especially teachers) to quit their jobs for having a baby. Most of my collegues at my age can devote more to their teaching and academic researching with a growing up child. Also, my age (41 now）is a consideration. Am i too old to have another baby now? The idea of having a teen when i am in my late fities is somewhat frightening. And i am afraid that the child will not feel good with parents looking like his grandparents. My son doesn’t care much about the idea of having a sister or brother. Most of his friends and classmates are singtons. He is 13 now, so a sister or brother won’t be his playmate because of the age gap. I am thinking about having another child just because i am afraid that six years later when my son leaves us for university study in another city (there’s few universties in my city and not good ones), we might feel very lonely. It’s true that you can not gurantee to have your children to live close to you no matter how many children you have. But the chances are more with one more child. Another reason is that I am afraid my son will regret I didn’t take the priviledge (as a ethnic minority)to give him a sibling when he gets older and when he feels lonely and when he himself has to take all the responsibilies of taking care of aging parents. Am I too selfish to want to having another child at this age just for the sake of having a child with us when our son leaves for his college in the future and just for the sake offering my son a helper in taking care of parents? But on the other hand, am i too selfish not to have another child just for the sake of my job?

Hi! I just wrote an article that kind of has to do with having another child. I’ll just print it now. Winding down: My journey towards menopause About a year and a half ago I wrote an essay about having an only child. I said in it that although I was fairly certain I would not have any more biological children, I had decided against a tubal ligation in the small likelihood I chose to have another baby. Now nature seems to have made the choice for me. I’m going through perimenopause, the phase of a woman’s life just before menopause. While menopause is thought of as the complete cessation of menstruation, ironically one of the first signs of perimenopause is that a woman’s periods come more often. My own menstrual cycle, for example, has gone from its previous monthly schedule to between 21 and 25 days. Eventually, though, menstruation becomes less frequent than usual and ultimately stops altogether. When I realized that my consistently short cycles were not merely one-time aberrations and that I was indeed undergoing perimenopause, I had to take in the implications of that – beyond of course the temporarily increased spending on feminine hygiene products. The most important question was whether or not I would be able to have another child. My doctor told me flatly that if I really wanted to, I’d better start working on it now. I still appear to be ovulating. However, at my age – I’m 41 and three-quarter years as I write this – the eggs I have left are less likely to be fertilized in the first place and, if they are, more likely to end in miscarriage. Even if I were successful in getting pregnant, there is also the higher risk of Down syndrome and other chromosomal abnormalities in the resulting fetus. I don’t relish the idea of being forced to choose between having an abortion on one hand and bearing a developmentally disabled child on the other. There’s also the question of the dynamics with my existing child, now three years old. She’s a fairly easy and even-tempered girl (she’s never given me a sleepless night, even as an infant), and we’ve sort of settled into a comfortable rhythm with both of our schedules. But another baby could throw this symbiosis completely off-balance, especially if he or she were not quite as adaptable as my daughter. And no matter how “good” she is, my little one is still after all a little one and I’m not sure I could handle two kids under a certain age at the same time. To paraphrase Mohammed’s advice in the Koran about taking another wife, if you fear you cannot deal justly with two or more, have only one. So I’ve, again, concluded that I only want one child, at least for now. I’m open to adopting later on when my daughter is older and less dependent on me. But with the decision to forgo any further biological reproduction comes a certain sadness. It’s a visceral emotion, essentially, as I’m perfectly content with the child I have now and don’t possess any overwhelming urge to procreate at this point. Yet there’s a certain bittersweet feeling that I won’t ever experience pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding again, that I won’t have another genetic child whose looks and temperament and so on I can compare with my daughter’s and say, “That’s where he/she gets it from!” This sadness quickly passes, though. Not only am I satisfied with my daughter, but I “have” a lot of other children – a bevy of nieces and nephews and now a great-niece (the daughter of one of my sister’s biracial sons and his wife). I suppose the other thing I must confront in approaching “the change” is the fact that I’m getting older. I remember once when I was working in a hospital as a college student during the summer I had a 60-year-old patient tell me she felt sad seeing the tampon dispenser in the hospital washroom because it reminded her of when she was young. I said most women my age would be pleased NOT to have a reason to use the dispenser. Two decades later, I’m more understanding of her. Over the years I’ve taken my menstrual cycle for granted: even if it could be a nuisance, it was just “there.” But as I know from my older sister, who’s undergoing her menopausal transition right now, and from friends who’ve already passed theirs, life goes on. Not to mention that I’ll be spared from shelling out money for sanitary pads and another IUD!