General Discussion

Ours is an extended only child situation. I am an only child. I'm married to an only child. And we have just the one – our son. An only child. This morning, while on my daily walk, I had a sudden urge to try and find a way to create a group of friends, family, crowdsourced strangers who would stand by our son when we were gone. He has no cousins, no uncles, no aunts. Just the lonely world of an only child. I was thinking of starting a special interest group online. I thought of trying to track down my cousins who I had lost touch with. Just desperate to establish some connection, some sense of family, of common dna. When both my wife and I are gone, and our son is alone, hopefully he'll be on his own two feet, perhaps an adult, perhaps with his own family, loved ones he had made his very own. But what if… Who's going to be there at his son's or daughter's wedding? Not only did we challenge him with being an only child, we were late into parenting. Bleak. Pretty bleak. And sad. This is a shout out. On googling 'only child' this was one of the first pages I came across, so I am writing in here. We'll have to future this out as a family of three. Three only children.

yep, finally, someone wants the opinion of the children themselves instead of focussing on parents of onlies. It is a miserable life, I can tell you. Not all the fun and roses this site, or any other only child site or resource or counsellor makes it out to be. I am 61, wife died a few years back. Never had children, not choice, but medical reasons. Its lonely as hell. I am well off, the wife had inherited quite a bit, and we were careful with money but lived well. My health is amazing, so I guess I'll live for a few decades more - unless of course cancer gets me first like it did her. But there's more to life than just living. I have no siblings, cousins that I have not seen in several decades. My parents were the most fantastic ones any one could have. I miss them to this day. I know mother couldn't have more for medical reasons, but I just wish I wasn't an only. People complain about siblings not getting along, but at least there is someone to fight with!!! On the plus side, the most wonderful childhood, good married life. I hope people talk to other only children before they make up their minds about having an Only child. Don't just talk to other parents, or Wikipedia, or shrinks.

Yeah, I agree JamieIndiana, same thing happened to us. However, no one coming to the hospital to see us and the new baby was kind of a let down. Except for the one guy- my boss. Awesome man. We ended up with only one because of secondary infertility, and then gave up. Looking back, a good decision to not try fertility stuff. We really really enjoy our only child. She is growing into a great young girl- very loving, caring, sharing. Gets along with her friends as well as her teachers (actually, the teachers also like her very much). Breaks all the dumb only child stereotype! idk, maybe its all luck...

I had my only child, a boy, when we were living in Finland. Cold as hell, and the place had a reputation for people being unfriendly. The pregnancy was unexpected, but it came after he was posted there for a great opportunity. Close to the due date, strangers offered help, brought food...people we barely knew! After the baby was born, we had even more food. His office had a baby shower type of thing which was so very nice. They even give you a "Baby Box", the most useful thing for new parents. What I am trying to say is that being in a new place doesn't stop people from having kids, society has a very soft corner and is joyous about a new baby!!! Of course, to answer your question, we did not have a second one because we were so far away from his or my parents, and we found that one was better for the time being. However, that became the norm for us, and we let it slip away. Men don't seem to care about these things, but maybe some women think about this often. May be I am wrong.

Yes, we moved (actually moved back) stateside, but lost all our friends because of the move (they are in Europe). I have family here, but we are not very close. Besides, some serious sibling fights although we are in our early to mid 30s. So we decided one is enough, and good enough! Iris

Blake's mom: Sorry to hear your story. All I can say is that time will hopefully heal. Also, please remember that I have seen many multi-children families having siblings who have not spoken or seen each other for decades. Its sad, but I guess there are all kinds of families in society. Again, sorry to hear about your loss, and wishing you happiness.

As an only child, I thought that I would also have only one. Then my entire immediate family passed away one by one. I am the only one left. Cousins are great, but I buried my Mother alone. When I left my cousins home, I was alone. In a quiet home alone. My cousins dont know what my moms hair smelled like. Sunday dinner. The fun things she said. The way she said my name. I don't ever want my child to feel that pain. So, as sad as this story may be, nothing is worse than having to cry alone.

I agree with this article

A lot will depend on how old the parents are. Just saying.

Hi Silvia, I am in the same boat.

It is so true!

Loved reading the article. Came here because I read the book Because I am the Only Child, which was published by the Only Child Project- which I didn't realize until after a few reads. My Tom loved it!!! I read it to him regularly now, takes care of many of the cons mentioned in this article! Hopefully books like this will take care of the negatives that people are always complaining about in Onlies! Guess these books are a good investment.

This is why I always suggest adoption if a couple can't conceive a second child. I know a lot of people aren't into that idea, but sometimes it is the only thing that can be done. Plus, adding that second child into the picture would make up for the sibling spot that many couples desire. If not interested in adoption, it just comes down to proper care and showing an only child that they're important and they need to be their own person.

I have one daughter at this point and time, and my wife and I really want to have kids. But it isn't easy by any means. We've tried for our second child, but it hasn't gone to well. But we've spoken and told each other that sometimes it may take time, and that it can happen at any time. I know a lot of people would hate the idea of not having a second child, but we're having trouble. But, fighting will not help anything.

An only child will often want to have his/her personal face. And at times it takes a lot more time to bring up an only child. With other children it's easier because they can interact with other children. I had siblings and it was much easier, but I currently only have one child. So it seems much different.

Individualism is very key to the life of an only child. I currently have a son. He's the only child, and it does seem hard to take care of him in such a way. If he had a brother or sister, it'd be easier, but these days you have to do what you can. As a parent, I just need to take great care of my son.

Being an only child and going through divorce is rough. An only child will most of the time believe that it was their fault. The parents need to address it and say that it was other things and not the child.

Those are the big problems with homeschooling a child. I personally feel it's best to go to an actual school, so that a child can interact with kids their age and get out of that shy phase that many kids have. I myself was home schooled for a few years and even though I loved it, I longed to see other kids. I had friends, but I was always home, being home schooled by my father. It was fun and all, and I feel like it's a way better learning environment than an actual school, but kids need to interact with their kind, kids their age. And I didn't have that early on as a kid.

The problem with home schooling is that there's no interaction with another child. It would be different if it wasn't an only child. Children learn so much from going to a public/private school because they can interact with other children, learn who they are and how to talk to other children, without that, they may have a hard time talking to other children. That's how I see it anyways.

I was an only child who dealt with divorced parents. It was a hard time for me, because I was one who thought it was my fault for some reason. I obviously didn't know any better, but I thought they broke up because I was being a bad kid at the time. It's a tough time for an only child, but eventually things get a lot easier and goes to normal in some ways.

The thing about kids growing up is the rebellious stage. I understand why it happens, I've been there, and I was once rebellious. I must admit, it is a weird stage in life. Parents have a hard time dealing with it, but it happens. We all went through that stage in life, and I really feel it'll make things easier when my child goes through it. I think the best way of dealing with it is to be strong and wait, because it doesn't last forever.

There is a lot of wonder when it comes to being an only child. I personally believe having a sibling will make life a bit easier, but things can be perfectly fine as an only child. Of course, an only child may have more than if a family had more than one child. But, having a sibling could help each other grow to be different people altogether. I personally think it depends on the upbringing. It all comes down to the parents and how they raise an only child or two or more children.

It can be tough for parents to keep their only child on a good path, but if they BOTH work at it, the child can grow just like one that has 2 or 3 siblings. It really just comes down to good parents, don't you think?

I can see how the child would suffer more if there is no chance of seeing any siblings. That is when it is important to see cousins and friends as much as you can. That will usually eliminate some of the problems.

Some parents just have to learn when to let go! Children will learn to grow on their own, IF they are allowed to be ON THEIR OWN. That is the key ingredient. As a parent, I can see why this is tough!

This is very good information that you posted here. I am going through many of these things with an only child and your website is very helpful!

Divorce is hard on everyone, but if it is the only "fix" then planning has to be done in order to ease the pressure on the child. Depending on the age of the child, of course, as an adult child is less affected in many ways.

These days it will come down to the one income. So many families have to work to get two incomes and losing one of those can affect everyone in the family. It would be important to sit down and make sure it is worth the home education if you have to lose one income.

With more parents moving towards this type of schooling, there must be some good in it. When it comes to an only child however, it will be key to still socialize them with other people. If the education is good, then the only thing missing is the friends and the overall social experience.

I guess, depending on the age of the child, it can be difficult to explain what is happening to mom and dad. Having a plan and talking about it with the child as a couple is the key to helping them understand. In a perfect situation, they share custody, but we know that it does not always go that way.

Teenagers are hard to deal with for everyone, but I think that time of life is harder on them than the parents. Parents need to understand what the child is going through and help them along. You post some very relevant information about that here. Thanks!

I think there are way more disadvantages to having an only child, for the child. Compared to the disadvantages of having a larger family, for the parents. You should decide which is worse for you and your spouse before deciding that you cannot raise 1 child, or even a small family.

Well, I think that children from larger families grow up faster making them small adults. The only child is often the baby of the family a lot longer than in the other situation. This causes them to grow into an adult much later.

I have seen this argument go both ways. An only child that is a girl still was very outgoing and made friends when the chance was presented in the school years. On the other hand, another child that is has siblings that do not live at home essentially making him an only child to mom and dad, has very poor social skills and is likely to live at home with mom and dad for a long time. He is very alone, even with mom and dad in the same house.

I think it is a benefit for an only child to be alone during the day at some point. That time is when they unwind and are able to be there own little person. If they cannot have friends around them all the time, having alone time is just as important.

If the only child does not have friends, that is when it seems the lack of friends is replaced with having more things. I have seen an only child unable to find friends they can tolerate and in order to help, the parents would just buy him more toys. They figured that if he was busy with toys, he would not have to worry about others. Not a good path.

I think this can be tough for parents that do not live in the big city. If you are in a rural area, it can be difficult to get your child to places where they can socialize that is not a school. This is where planning comes into play, as you mentioned here. It can be done, but it will take some effort.

I feel back for an only child, sometimes. I say sometimes, because they are still in control. They do not have to be spoiled , selfish, dependent and lonely. I have a cousin that is this way and growing up, he was very hard to deal with. He has outgrown these typical traits and we get along much better.

I think a lot of parents deal with the fact that they think they know what is best for their children. You have to let your child live and expand on his/her own. You are just there to provide a little steering so they are not headed down a path of poor decisions.

I feel the same way about GOOD teachers. Children, especially the only child of a family, can learn a lot from adults that steer them in the right direction. They might look at a teacher as a good friend or even sibling for that matter.