General Discussion

This support group still going? I just had a chat with my boy. He feels so down, because he is struggling to find a playmate(been struggling for years), and he feels sad that he does not have a sibling. It also sounds like he gets mocked at school for being an only. I am trying my best to always arrange play dates when possible. But I don't know what to say to him when he gets into this mood. It is so horrible to see him so lonely, I never intended for it to be this way. Hy is almost turning 10.

Hello all, I am the only child of divorced parents. I was raised by mother. My childhood can be described as both lonely, and full of guilt and insecurities. It grew up seeing my mother struggling between her work which provided a decent pay but toxic/unforgiving work environment, and taking care of me. Hearing her complaining about how life is hard towards her made me live in constant guilt, resentment, and fear of future. As I teenager, things got nothing but better. Anything bad happens, I was the only person to blame. I was given unrealistic goals while described as a failure. Add to that feeling inferior to my peers due to an over protective parent who does not let me even take my own decisions and forces me to endure humiliation on a daily basis. After getting a job at one of the most prestigious companies in my country, I moved to another city. My mother joined me after that since I felt bad for her living alone. Lately, a job opportunity came out and I will have to leave the country for an extended period of time. She is still relatively not that old (early sixties) but I feel like I can see her aging fast, especially when I see our old pictures. We don't fight anymore giving the fact that I am paying for the rent and my own needs, or maybe because she is getting older .. I am not sure. Now I don't even know what to think. I have mixed feelings.. Sometimes she asks me whether I will leave her to die alone.. I wish she had a better relationship with her siblings, I wish I had someone to share the load with. Sometimes I just think that I have had enough of this burden and constant guilt, and that I should just live my life and create a family and not look back. What do you guys think? Thank you

NOT HELPFUL.

Dear Karen, you see them EVERY weekend. Your parents may feel lonely or they may be manipulating you into feeling guilty. Perhaps, they also expect you to come over more often because you are unmarried. They need to understand; tell them you have a job & that job pays for their medications, wheelchairs, insurance, mortgage...etc. Explain in detail so they can be grateful for all that you are doing. How about introducing your friends to your parents so they may entertain them when they can. All the best Karen :)

Hello I am an only child. I have lots of friends; but I enjoy being alone. That does not mean I am lonely. I just like my quiet time.

Most of my life is catered to creating alone time, some of the planned alone times get interrupted with thoughts of someone's company. (I wished for siblings) To this day that feeling of needing alone time is more important than finding company. Loneliness in my circumstance is a fleeting feeling usually triggered by an outside force. Needing to be alone knowing I can't due to plans can bring on anxiety.

I'm an only child that lives close (20mins) away, I see them every weekend and call everyday. I have no children but married with two dogs. But they say I never come over. Am I doing enough?

Great post!!! Thank you for sharing ideas about homeschooling. Every online education are not sure that it will be good for your children. Do proper research regarding online homeschooling is accredited or not. My friend recommend me about, The Ogburn online school for my kids.

Did any of you set up a support group? I'm really struggling and desparately need some support. Would be good to have others to speak to.

It's always reassuring to receive confirmation that one's own experience, as the parent of an only child, is not unique... but instead quite common. In fact, one may take some comfort from the thought that, when your child exhibits rebellious behavior, they are actually passing through what is yet another of the normal stages that occur in the transition from child to adult. Please recognize that this period presents seriously difficult challenges for the parent, as well as the child, and that although you might feel sad, stressed out, fearful, worried about under- or over-reacting, etc., you should actually be more worried about your child's development if they AREN'T exhibiting the behavior. Best of luck weathering the experience!

I am also in the position of having an only child and not by choice. It makes me so sad thatI will never again be pregnant, or hold a baby of my own, especially because with my daughter I had a terrible pregnancy and early experience as my relationship with the father was awful. Now I have a lovely partner who would make a great dad but we cannot have a baby. Ivf etc is a potential avenue but it is a lot of money that I dont think we can afford to gamble on the hopes it would work. So I try to reconcile myself to the positives. My daughter is 7 now and amazing fun and a fabulous child and I try to think of the good times we have together. I feel it is slightly easier for me personally as she has siblings on her dad's side so I luckily don't feel that extra burden. She is growing out of the extremely dependent age which is sad in a way but also signals that I have a little more freedom (granted, I would prefer to be 'tied' with another small child but since I don't get to make that choice i have to try and spin things in a positive light!) To be honest, the hardest thing for me is the sheer crushing jealousy and pain of seeing others grow their families without even trying, even by accident at times, and knowing we will never get to post a scan photo or see what our child would look like. Heartbreaking. And so hard to find support when you have one, because you should be grateful you at least got to have a baby when so many people don't. And I am grateful (although at 23 when I had my daughter I never for a moment thought that having babies would ever be anything that took trouble!) but that doesnt mean it isn't still damned unfair that we don't get to have another!!! Or a first in my partners case. But we keep our fingers crossed for a miracle and try our best to count our blessings however life turns out.my rational mind says there is so so much more to life than having a baby but my biological clock and whatnot seems to override that rationality on the regular!

Sorting for typos-dictated the comment to my phone.

Please have an actual secondary infertility patient who learned to make peace with having an only rewrite this article. This touches on two of our biggest anxieties- that we are harming our children with our grief and that everyone is judging us for being greedy. I don't "approve" of how I feel, believe me, but learning to accept that my grief is real and valid is the only thing to bring me a measure of peace so far. Guilt is the secondary infertility patient's constant companion yet my daughter is happy and secure. As others said, it's precisely because she's so wonderful that I feel this loss so acutely. Having two kids has always been in my heart, A feeling that I suspect the author of this piece of nothing about. There is nothing wrong with that, but they are not the right person to write this column. And frankly I find it very shortsighted, not to mention the fact that a major issue here seems to be the family's communication skills. I kept our problem a secret for over a very lonely year precisely because I was afraid of being lectured on appreciating what I had. I have always wanted to children, and I have always wanted them equally. My daughter is the most important thing in the world to me, but that makes giving up harder, not easier. Please take these words in the compassionate spirit that they were intended and find a way to make this a resource that heals, not accidentally hurts.

I am a kid who loves alone time. It rocks. I can do whatever I want, craft, read, meditate, and do a vast variety of other things. Being an only child, I am raised to enjoy the company of adults, which I enjoy more than a conversation with my 7th grade peers, who are very insecure, immature or both. I prefer the intellectual stimulation and cool stories that I get from talking to adults. Introverypted isn't bad, it is creative and smart, but you have to learn to be like " judge me I dare you" instead of being shy. I have never been shy, but introverted and calm like my father. I believe that the introverted and those who spend more time alone are more philosophical and calm, which in my case leads to happiness

I couldn't have said it better myself. Thank you. I, too, was looking for something to help me come to terms with having an only child not by choice.

Sorry that last post was meant to read Joanne - I was wondering how you are?

I wonder how, Soohie - you got on with avoiding or proceeding with your divorce? I'm there right now and I'm so scared. I cannot bear the thought of telling my daughter- age 9. I want to pull this back from the brink so much ...

I agree with many commenters before me. This article was insulting, condescending and beyond unhelpful. I have NEVER neglected my only in my pursuit of having another. She is my world and no child has ever been loved more or been cared for better. We have an incredibly close bond. That is part of what makes this so incredibly painful. I went through primary infertility. I tried for 4 years to have my amazing, cherished, miracle child, nearly lost her due to pre-eclampsia and prematurity, and every.single.day with her has been a blessing. Do you not understand that this is WHY Ive gone through what I have in order to try for a second? My children have DIED. All the children I could have had, wanted to have, dreamed of having, they are dead. I cannot have any more and the pain of that is overwhelming. Having my daughter does not make this better. It makes it worse because I know what I've lost. There NEEDS to be a place for those of us who are in this situation. I feel like I'm drowning in grief all the time and there is nowhere for me to go. My family does not understand. My friends do not understand. Infertility groups don't understand because everyone there is still trying and I can no longer try. But support groups for infertility grief only allow for primary infertility and living childfree. This HURTS. All the time. I need help getting through this and there is no help available.

I am dismayed at this website... as a parent of an only child. Children without siblings are wonderful beings who learn how to get along in the world, share, and treat others respectfully - just by being in the world! I know many adults who are only children and they are well-adjusted citizens of the world who are just fine!

I don't see anything insulting about this article, I think you just want to make a big deal out of nothing. As you can see you are the only person who has a problem with this article.

KitKat, I sure can imagine what your life with your daughter is like. I too am in rural Kansas, and my daughter is turning 3 this summer. I enrolled her in a toddler dance class so she could interact with someone other than Mommy, and her first class was a disaster! lol We're going to try again next week, and work our way around the park and the library. Hopefully, she'll find a friend or two. A friend of mine has also suggested a play date with her two year old daughter who has an older brother. I hope we can arrange to have them both along. She could see how siblings interact then. That would be an interesting experience for her, I think. I am just glad to know there is this resource for parents of onlies. My little doodlebug can be fiercely independent, which is both good and bad for a single mom like me to handle. I have to get a hold of that book!

Hello Cristin, Cio, Rachel and Janice Sorry I haven't checked back on here for some time - it seems there are long periods of inactivity. I still haven't found any resources on this myself and am still really in need of a community. Recently, my daughter has been struggling a little with some friendship issues at school and I've been really miserable about this, and having to totally suppress my own emotions in front of my daughter. I KNOW that my grief over multiple miscarriages, failed IVFs (over 20 supposedly grade A embryos that died after transfer) and consequent lack of siblings is affecting my mindset over what is happening. I have tried multiple counsellors none of whom even began to understand my situation. Abigail - I'm sure your comments are well meaning but they sort of illustrate my point that people who have an only not by choice usually have a complex situation. In my situation my daughter's only cousin lives a continent away and that is a situation we can't just change - so we just don't have the option of that. We will see him at most once a year. I wish we had cousins nearby but we can't just magic them up just as we can't magic up a sibling. And, the lack of close cousins or other family of similar age does make everything worse of course. And of course again, with things not great with what used to be her two best friends at school, it has caused my grief to rear it's ugly head yet again. I, like Cristin, am desperate to hear of someone who has managed to move on to find acceptance and peace but I haven't found anything. I do dip in and out of 'the Next Happy' which I recommended before but it has nothing on how to cope with the bumps in my daughter's life. I'm going to keep looking because there seem to be at least 6 or 7 of us on here who could use a support group - if I can't find anything maybe I'll try and set something up myself so keep coming back here and checking! Best wishes to all xxx

I have a little girl, nearly 6 - the joy of my life - conceived after many long years of trying before we finally discovered that we had an almost zero chance of getting pregnant naturally. We did one round of ICSI and miraculously the result was our beautiful girl. I am one of 7 and always wanted a big family. So just assumed it would work again when we tried for a second It didn't - 4 times in a row - by which point I had a bit of a breakdown. I have suffered from depression on and off since then - now nearly 4 years ago. I am finally trying to accept this - for years I played with ideas about adoption, donor eggs etc. Because thinking of alternatives stopped me from having to deal with the horrific grief of not being able to have another baby and of having lost so many babies (just potential babies to the world but to me I already loved them and they were my babies who died). I suffer huge guilt, feeling I have failed to create the ,right size' family and to give my girl a brother or sister. Every time I see her playing alone I suffer a pang. I am now having grief counselling. Just being able to acknowledge the pain is helping a little. The thing is I know I am blessed - I love my husband and daughter deeply and we are a great unit. I am working very hard on mourning my lost babies, whilst also really affirming the family I do have. Because the alternTive is to stay in limbo forever and miss out on the pure joy of this life I do have. But it is bloody hard to let go and the hardest thing is the feeling that no one understands how much this hurts. It has helped me to see that others feel this grief every bit as strongly as I do and I am not selfish / crazy. I hope my post helps some of you other brave ladies out there. We have been dealt a really tough hand and most can't understand why we feel so badly when we have 'just one' (a hated phrase for me, so much judgement..) But maybe if we can reach out to each other we can start to feel less alone. Would love to hear from anyone who has managed to find some acceptance and peace with only one and not by choice, to give me hope that thus is possible. Sending positive thoughts to all out there who are going through this.

This article is not only insulting to parents who suffer from secondary infertility -- it's downright cruel. After multiple miscarriages and failed fertility treatments, I was hoping to find something positive to read about having an only child to help me adjust to the fact that we'll be "one and done" not by choice. Whoever wrote this article does not understand the mindset of a parent coming to terms with secondary infertility. I'm only commenting because I want to thank the previous commenters...your words moved me so much. It's probably the first time I've read anything that captures what I'm feeling and experiencing. This article can go to hell, but commenters...thank you.

Really hits close to home. My fiancee lives across the country working while I went back to school and am living back at home with my parents. My mother recently has gotten ill (currently able to manage, but unknown when it will turn for the worse), and unfortunately, has not been supportive with me moving for a few years to where my fiancee has a great job. It is so difficult being torn between two people you love the most.

I must say, It's refreshing to see others in the same predicament. I was adopted by two great people. Being separated by many miles can prove to be very challenging for an only adopted child. My dilemma is my parents want me to move back home. I'm unable to do this at this time. I'm worrying about them aging and not being there for them. I think I'm going to need at least another year. Thanks for listening, Greg

I have an only child and have felt pressure by lots of people around me asking when I will give up and have another. I, too, would love the book gift code in exchange for an Amazon review, but also for my son!

Hi Jayne, Everything you said sounds exactly like me and my situation. I, too, have an only child not by choice. Not a day goes by that I don't feel the pain of my situation or the guilt of my son growing up alone. I am at an age where conceiving would be very unusual but still wish I could give him a sibling. To make things worse, people constantly make comments about my having another one. I look younger than I am so people assume I can still have another one and make comments like "time for another one" or "you can't just have one" or "it's not to late", a good one was "there's still time". It just breaks my heart and I literally have to fight back tears when these comments are made to me. People can be so insensitive. Another thing is my son, who is almost 5, has started becoming very aware that all of his classmates have a sibling and making comments like "I want a baby" or "can we have a baby?" It's heartbreaking. I just can't help how I feel and that my entire life one child never seemed like family to me. It's still so hard to get used to the notion that my "family" will never consist of more than the three of us. I'm hoping maybe talking with someone else in my same situation will help. My husband gets very upset with me because he feels like I'm not grateful for our beautiful son and should be thankful for the one child I do have. Although I am very grateful and love my son more than anything, it seems like no matter what I do, the hurt and pain is just not going away....even a little. Janice

Hi all, I just wanted to weigh in as I am getting to be in the same situation. My daughter is the light of my life, but I am starting to think that she may be an only as we have been trying for some time with no luck. Again, nothing specifically wrong with me/husband after many tests, but it just doesn't seem to be happening. I guess where I have something else to offer is that I myself am an only child. It was my parents' choice. Yes, I want desperately to have another child and give my daughter a sibling. BUT, because I have experienced being an only child, I have at least some comfort that my daughter will be OKAY. Or, better said: my daughter won't not be okay because she is an only child. Does that make sense? I had a happy childhood, and my parents made sure I had lots of neighbourhood friends/ firends over all the time. In fact, I grew up with very close friendships likely because I was an only child and those were the peer bonds I relied on. My best friend today has been my best friend since I was 4 years old. We chat all the time and she knows everything about me and I her. Interestingly, she has two siblings herself. And I don't think she's any happier or less happy than me based on that difference alone. My point is this: I get everyone's struggles here. I am going through it too. I have very bad days where I can't even get through five minutes without tearing up (usually after getting my period), and then I have days where I feel a bit better and a bit more confident about where I am at in life. The thing that gets me through is counting all of my blessings, my daughter and husband being at the top of that list. Yes, sometimes reciting my "list" seems futile, but after I get through it I do feel better. To add to that, what gets me feeling less "guilty" is reminding myself that my daughter can be very happy in life. Her happiness does not depend on having a sibling. Again, whenever anyone asks if I had a happy childhood, I answer "yes" without hesitation. And again, the above is not meant to lessen what anyone here is going through. I am going through it too. It's to hopefully give some persective that your child won't live life in misery for lack of a sibling. That is what gives me some small comfort and I hope it does for you too. In the meantime, I still have some hope for myself and am not quite ready to give up just yet. But if that day comes, I know that focusing on the positive, while also mourning the loss, will be the best way to come to terms with it.

We are looking for a playmate near zip code 20723 (Maryland) for our ten years old son. We mostly desire parents with closer age to our son (that is, 9,10, 11 Years old). To be paly mate or friend to our son. We are Christian and nice people.

Ray, Susan, Andrea and Katie, I don't know if you are still reading this - I hope you are. I too have an only not by choice and agree with everything you have said. I feel very lonely and in need of a community (online or otherwise) of mothers who are in the same position as me as there are many very difficult challenges to having an only not by choice. I adore my lovely daughter and am very thankful every day and have devoted my life to her care, but I want a sibling not only for my sake but for her sake too. I want to SCREAM at people who say I should be thankful for what I have. I AM, more than THEY can ever know, but I have grief for the babies I have lost, the children I have never had and for the sibling she will probably never have - and all the things she will never experience. She has asked me multiple times about having a sibling. She wants one. It hurts me so badly every time I see her wanting a sibling. I have been honest in an age appropriate way. She knows I have some problems in the baby making part of my belly. The grief is there, and always will be there, and dealing with it is difficult. How do you cherish your miracle child but not smother them? How do you prevent your anxiety over your multiple miscarriages from affecting your only who you want to wrap in cotton wool? As Ray says, how do you make sure that your child knows that wanting another (if you are still trying) does NOT mean that they are not enough? And conversely how do you prevent them from feeling the intense pressure of being your entire world? I need others who truly understand to discuss these problems - most people just do not understand the complexities of our situation - and it is complex. It is not possible to keep trying forever - finance, health and age problems prevent this (we have been trying for children for 12 years and we have to stop to save my health and our marriage). It is not easy to adopt (another line many people glibly make) especially when adopted children usually come with problems and could have a negative impact on your only. There are other problems with adoption with one biological child too I think - you'd have to be really sure you could love them equally for example, the consequences if you couldn't for both children could be very severe. There are communities out there for people who are childless not by choice, but I really feel a huge lack of support as mum to an only child not by choice and the challenges i face, and I COMPLETELY agree with Katie who says "the author doesn’t seem to understand how infertility and repeat pregnancy loss destroys your faith in your body (sometimes your faith, period), your confidence, and leaves you struggling with a sense of failure, guilt, and grief". What I would add is that this sense of failure, guilt and grief CAN affect how you are as a mother - we need support in addressing this and there seems to be literally nothing out there (please someone prove me wrong). One thing I would recommend for anyone who has desperately wanted another child but is beginning to accept that their child might be the only one - the book 'The Next Happy' by Tracey Cleantis (if you search on Amazon you'll find it). It has been the only thing that has helped me cope after our last IVF failed. It does not address the complex issues of being a parent to an only (not by choice) but it does address how to identify when your pursuit of the dream of another child may be hurting you (and your only child, and your marriage, and your finances!) and how to start to let go of that dream.

Katie, I am just curious if you ever found those resources. I too am looking for such resources and having a difficult time finding them. Sounds like you and I have had very similar experiences. If you could leave a comment regarding any resources you found I'd really appreciate it.

I agree with Katie, Andrea and Susan. I have a beautiful and loving daughter - and I always thought I would multiply that love with another child/sibling for my daughter. But after several miscarriages and an all clear-there-is-nothing-wrong-with-your-insides blood work and tests, I am coming to grips that I may have an only child. It is not easy. I cry a lot. I am so thankful but I also grieve. I smile and take it like a champ when people say oh it must be so easy with one. I live in a place where everyone has at least two children. I am surrounded by people who will do anything to have children - surrogacy, IVF, etc. It's like the more you have - the more you mean in life. I don't ever want my daughter to think me wanting another means she is not enough or good enough. Laying in bed with her tonight I asked wouldn't you want a sibling to snuggle with? She said no and that this is God's world not mine. I realized I need to stop talking about what I don't have because she is picking up on it. There is a lot of pain and grief with miscarriages and fear too - getting pregnant doesn't mean a baby for me. Sorry for the rambling on. It is hard and I feel for all of you - I know where you are coming from and I am sorry there is nothing to say to make us all feel better. I try to find comfort in knowing God has a plan for us all.

I have an only not by choice and I hate the phrase be thankful for what you have. I thank God each and every day for her and for HER, I want to give her the gift of a sibling. Someone to grow up with, always have someone to help her, especially when her parents are gone. I am an older mom and had horrible delivery and internal issues and our chances for a second ended. I cry each and everyday for her and that I feel like I let her down when everyone around her has at least one sibling. All our friends children are older, all her cousins all have siblings, it is just very hard. Whether you want to feel it it or not, it consumes you. I thank God every day for my beautiful girl but crying and so sad inside.

Thank you Katie (7/3/15 reply) for your response. She basically wrote my sentiments exactly. My love and adoration for my first (and probably only child) has nothing to do with my desire to have another or my grief over my subsequent miscarriages and failed fertility treatments. My journey to have a second has NEVER had anything to do with a lack of satisfaction of my first. Actually the exact opposite- I want more of what I already have. My daughter has made my life better in every way and I'd just like that to grow. When people have told me I should "Just cherish what I do have" it has has crushed me. My daughter and husband are the only things in this world that have gotten me through this difficult time and I get teary-eyed every night putting my daughter to bed b/c I am so thankful. This article pushes the positives of the only child, but seems to down play the extreme grief when it's not by choice. Now not only do we get called "selfish" from people who have multiple children for having one, we get called "selfish" from people who have one child because we grieve the fact that this is not by choice. Katie, maybe we should get together and write something genuinely helpful. It sounds like we have similar stories and aren't finding anything to help us with the next step!

As a mother to a child who is currently--and may always be--an only, not by choice, this article is frustrating and frankly insulting. The example given and the instructions provided seem to chastise parents who want another child and paint a very ugly picture of people experiencing secondary infertility: a couple fighting over whether and how to continue trying to grow their family, a sullen and childish mother neglecting her first child while selfishly pursuing another. For most families going through this, the parents are both trying--together--to decide what is best for their family and how best to proceed, and that includes doing their best to take care of their first child. This article seems to imply that those of us experiencing secondary infertility don't recognize the gift we have, when believe me, struggling so hard to have a second and losing baby after baby has only taught my husband and I how lucky we are to have our daughter and what an absolute miracle she is. No one knows better than a parent struggling with secondary infertility what an absolute gift our first children are, and often, it is our concerns for our children that drive the desire to have another. The author doesn't seem to understand how infertility and repeat pregnancy loss destroys your faith in your body (sometimes your faith, period), your confidence, and leaves you struggling with a sense of failure, guilt, and grief. These are hard things to come to terms with, and finger wagging over how we just need to suck it up and focus on being better parents to the children we have is not helpful. I found this article because I was looking for a resource on how to begin the process of accepting being an only child family. I was hoping I could gain some insight from people who have been through it, hear some of the positives of saying goodbye to infertility treatments and embracing your family as is, and maybe get some resources for parents who are dealing with infertility and loss. Instead, I got a load of insensitive crock from someone who obviously has never experienced infertility or loss themselves and has no compassion for those who have.

I am sorry for not indicating his age, he is 10 years old

Hi All, I live in Laurel, Maryland (Howard County) area and my son needs a playmate. He plays basketball, X-box, and all kind of sports. If you are interested please e-mail: ethiona@verizon.net Thank you, Kebede

By the way my child a boy.

I am looking for playmate 10 years old only child near zipcode 20723 Maryland.