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February 18th, 2008 at 11:19 am
You are so right about raising kids being a full-time job. Maybe thankless sometimes- but sure is getting difficult as time goes on. May be the world is getting more competetive, and we need to have our child(ren) all rady and preapared.
WHen it comes to the oly child, I guess it makes it a little easier for parents. Just imagine, with an only child, you get to spend all the time, all the resources on this only child. And to top it off, you get to spend more time with your spouse- which is what I get to do a lot more than my other friends. My only is 7 years old now, a bubbly boy with a ton of friends. I had to push him in that direction though- a little effort from our side went a long way!
February 18th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
Wow! great site- full of articles on only child!!
One thing I found very interesting in this particular article was where you say that the only child, never having to fight for her toys and space with her siblings, is more comfortable sharing. Only after reading that passage did I find it analytically true.
…well, I don’t agree with a lot of what is said on this site…seems to be very pro only child
“Consider this: Unlike in the multi-child family, the only child does not have to fight…… sharing does not mean giving away”
Why I say this is that I observe kids in the playground and I find that girls from multi-sibling families are prone to defend ‘their’ territory and play equipment- even though it is all in a public park-like area. And get this- it is girls who are NOT first-born who do this! The first-borns are more only child like- and the more the spacing between the first and second, the more relaxed is the first-born!
Yes, I do talk to all the new moms in the playground :))) Do they think I am a government census taker??? Maybe they do, ha ha ha……
February 18th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
LOL. A lot of what is written in this article applies to ’super moms’ and ‘helicopter’ parents! Mom of an only child is easily sucked into playing out these roles
Well, I did, initially at least.
It was my DH who tactfully pulled me out of this attitude of pushing my child to be #1 (or actually I was trying to make her acheive my dreams, the things I wanted to do or be). Bless you Mark
February 19th, 2008 at 8:15 am
Excellant review. But too soft on the book me thinks. I read this book in the past.
I felt like a terrible parent as I was reading it. Everything I had done seemed to be the devil’s work. By the time I was done reading the book I was a wreck.
And then I read Sifford’s book, it was like an aspirin for the headache.
My only one Ana is 8 and doing VERY well. No thanks to the 7 sins book. Thanks to Sifford, Dr Spock. And thanks also to the countless websites that support parents of onlies.
February 20th, 2008 at 7:04 am
Same thing with me. I was so caught up with my career that I forgot all about the ‘biological clock’ ticking very silently.
The only child myths are just that- myths and only child stereotypes!
My mother in laws frequent reminders and sarcastic comments were, as usual, automatically filtered out by my brain like a good old coffee filter. And hen I started noticing that fewer of my friends were calling me, they all were getting busy with raising a family.
We got pregnant after about 4 months. I had planned on getting back to work after my only child Sussie turned 6 months. My MIL had volunteered to take care of her during the day, and my husband went part-time (he has a great job but low paying).
Guess what, after 4 months of Susan’s arrival, my whole world view changed!!!
I worked part-time until she turned 1 and half, then quit the job after giving my employer a year’s notice. Great job though, great company.
My MIL was quite for 2 years and then her reminders for ‘completing’ the family, a companion for my only child Susan, what would happen after ‘our time’?????? all of it started wearing down my husband. He wasn’t too keen on a second, just because he is from a really big family. He doesn’t keep in touch with his brothers (all of them live far away). They don’t get together even for Christmas. He always complained of the strained relationship with his siblings. He is very close to his mother though- he’s a first born. They seem to be more like only children.
The stereotypes don’t seem to apply to him. He remembers his best times as an only child, the brothers came after he turned 8.
All this talk of only child psychology and the pros and cons of having an only child is very subjective. If you put a lens and observe a child, you can see areas of her characteristics that seem to be a spoiled only child.
With time, I started cherishing my time with Sussie, and she remained my only one. I am very happy and content
February 20th, 2008 at 10:19 am
I always felt that when searching through my experience about only child pros and cons, it always comes out that one side of my brain projects all the pros and the other all the cons. Its a mixed bag of feelings!!!!
The pros are that you can spend all your time on your only child. In this globalizing world, kids have to be competetive. I don’t mean pushing your kids to become nerds. What I am saying is that we need to spend quality time with our kids. And we should do it when they are open and happy to spend time with us parents. Not when they are in their teens when they are embarassed by our very sight.
There are negative aspects also to the above. BUt smart parents know where to draw the line, and this cons and easily be turned to a pro situation.
Spending money on our only child is just plain economics- there is more when you have fewer kids. Some (like the neo-rich) seem to inculcate the habbit of a flashy lifestyle, and this is a dangerous thing to do. Count this as a major negative.
February 23rd, 2008 at 12:37 am
I have often felt bad about my daughter, an only child, sitting in her room by herself and playing with all her dolls and the kitchen set.
My husband keeps telling me its ok, just look at the way she is having fun, how engrossed she is in her play and so on.
He is an only child, and he says he can not stand large families. We have an only child not by choice (secondary infertility).
I still worry about my daughter being lonely. But over the course of time, I have realized that what my husband has been saying might be true afterall. She has grown up to become a very outgoing and friendly child. ANd very imaginative!!
So all of you parents of onlies- take heart- just because they like play alone doesn’t mean they are feeling lonely.
February 27th, 2008 at 6:34 am
Isn’t this whole stereotypes of only child relevant to the situation- like are the parents middle class or what, family income and lots of other factors?
My only DOES NOT fit the stereotype, but my wife fits it very well, and she is from a laaaaarge family. When the whole family gets together, its carnival time, and I end up having a lot of fun because they let me be by myself- beer and football keep my company and I enjoy it 
I am from a what you would call a mid-size family- 3 kids.
I guess that is why they call it stereotypes I guess
Have fun guys (and gals)- your only child will grow up very fast. Its just one you have, so no second chances to watch them grow
February 27th, 2008 at 6:38 am
Hello every one with an only child!
I guess you are here because you all feel it is kinda different to have a single child. So I would like to say this- people can be generally insensitive and sometimes outright rude and tell you how to run your family and how many kids to have. But most mean well. So lighten up, don’t say anything back to them when they make comments, and slowly they will get the message, at least most them will.
February 27th, 2008 at 6:41 am
These are just generic comments. It doesn’t help much. Just ommon sense.
February 27th, 2008 at 6:51 am
In fact, how many people ask themselves the question “Why do I need to have a child” before having a child. Think deep down inside. I know of a lot of people who had the frist child as a biological side effect of intimacy. And then they start thinking about how to provide for the child etc. That’s when many of them decided one was enough. So, there you have it- accidental only children. hhhhhhrh gets me really upset.
Meanwhile women like me having been trying to have a baby for years. We know why, we have the resoures, but biology does not favor us. I am jealous.
But when the one comes along (which the doc says will be soon), I think I will stick with just one child.
February 29th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
But sometimes it is very difficult to make out the difference between my only child being alone and feeling lonely.
She is only 4 years old, and at this age they really cannot analyze their feelings, and even more importantly, can’t express themselves clearly. Its left to me or her dad to analyze what exactly she is feeling. Very frustrating, but I guess things will start changing as she gets a little bit older.
February 29th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Its interesting that this article mentions the importance of “couplehoold time”. We had a lot of arguments and went to bed without resolving them. That’s when some of out friends were mentioning the importance of mom and dad being on the same page. It is so apt for parents of only children more than anyone else.
We chose to have an only child, and both are totally devoted parents- not helipcopter parents I can assure you.
So this piece of advice should be taken to heart all you moms and dads out there!
March 4th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
As an only child myself I can attest that alone time is great. Playing alone helped me develop a talent for voice impersonations that all my friends loved, as well as a passion for reading that persists to this day. I am glad I don’t have any siblings, and I am hard pressed to think of any of my “siblinged” friends who didn’t resent theirs, my wife included.
March 4th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Of course this is a pro only-child website. It is a supportive resource for parents of onlies so we need not feel inadequate for only having one child, often through no fault of our own.
March 4th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
HeathersMom says:
“….is site…seems to be very pro only child”
Maybe I would call it a support site like what “only with Only” points what. But then it is all perception!
I think sibling rivalry alone is enough to want to be an only child. The problem comes when parents get older.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:17 am
Most people I know or met have told me that having an only child was not by choice, but for medical reasons or age-related.
The ones who chose to have an only child- I mean made a conscious decision to have an only child- are not as guilty as the ones who had no choice. I guess the choice makers were prepared.
Whenever I hear of the pros and cons of having an only child, I always wonder- doesn’t it also depend on whether it was by choice or not.
I would like to hear from others here!
March 6th, 2008 at 7:26 am
Over this, over-that- get over all of this nonsense. Good parenting, sensible parenting, makes happy kids, only child or otherwise. I got tired of my in laws frequent interference in what is supposed to be our personal lives. To put it mildly, they are not the best parents.
Last week I told them off, told them to be better parents- more like us. The silence on the other side was, hmmm, how do I say this…deafening. So much for “stereotypes” of only children. I have an only, two other friends have onlies. Beieve me when I say this- they are the best behaved among the lot. They ALWAYS wait for their turn, don’t whine and don’t compare and complain all the time. Self-content is the word I would use.
March 11th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
boyer - there is a great difference between making the definitive decision to only have one child verses someone who has had no choice in the issue because they cannot have any more children. It’s a huge difference, in fact, because one is forced to try and come to terms with the fact that they cannot provide a biological sibling for their only child. The guilt that comes with that is awful. There is no preparation for that and there seems to be more cons than pros of having a single child when the decision is out of one’s control.
March 22nd, 2008 at 8:17 pm
I needed this website more than anything tonight. Family gatherings are especially difficult when people keep asking, “When are you going to have another baby?”. Guess what? We can’t have anymore babies. We waited for six years to try for another child. When I finally convinced my husband, it was too late. Through fertility testing we have discovered that unless we have expensive procedures performed it won’t happen. So,yes, I’m guilty, angry, and a mix of other emotions. I want to post a note on my head that says “Just don’t ask!”
March 22nd, 2008 at 10:37 pm
I can understand your pain!!!
We had a “top 10″ list of answers to those who insist that you have a second child. It used to be in the discussion forums. We are trying to re-install the only child forum before the end of this month…
In the meantime, may be you should ask them for the money for the treatment. Or ask, for example, Aunt Sally why she had only 4 kids- didn’t she ruin it for them? She should have had 8, just like folks did in the early 1900s.
People just don’t get it- they don’t understand your feelings and inner turmoils.
March 23rd, 2008 at 12:07 pm
This is such a wonderful article and website as a whole. I thought I was a 100% sure I wanted an only child, and now I am struggling. In fact, this is what my blog post tomorrow is about.
I don’t think people understand that parents of onlies struggle with these thoughts, it’s not like we just decide, oh, I’m going to have an only child, we carefully consider these things.
March 27th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Parents, grand parents and aunts don’t make for playmates or friends.
In the absence of a sibling to argue and fight with and later make up, an only child may not know the dynamics of disagreeing and fighting over an issue. They may either fear or shy away from confrontations. Diane confesses to not knowing “how to argue or state her views tactfully” even after she turned adult. Peer quarreling is a valuable ground for the only child to pick up some lifelong lessons.
Outings like visit to museum, park or a zoo will be more interesting and special for the child if a friend comes along.
In the absence of siblings, the only child may look upon her friends as siblings and enjoy positive gains from the relationships.
I copied pasted the above statements that were made in your article. I just couldn’t disagree more with them! My son LOVES his friends but LOVES going on weekend outings without anyone but his dad and me. We have a blast! Maybe if a child’s parents are dull and boring, it’s not much fun for the child, but my son does not need a “fill in sibling” for our outings. I also feel that my son certainly does not need to think of his friends as surrogate siblings! He loves being an only child. In our family we talk very positivly about him being an only child and he knows his parents are happy with the decision and he doens’t ever ask for a sibling or wish he had one. There is NO need to imply to him that a friend “can be like a sibling”..that would be implying in some way that our family is not complete and perfect the way it is. Friends are so important and invaluable for ALL children with and without siblings, but they do NOT have to fill in or be a replacement in the development of a happy child. (unless the child is in a negative home situation, but that’s a whole other story) Lastly I would like to mention that I grew up in a large family and had ample opportunities to “fight” with siblings and I know many other adults that have also. Believe me, many adults that grew up with siblings still hate confrontation and struggle with arguing in a healthy way. We have struggles just like anyone else would. I do think that society loves to look at an only child and are quick to comment “oh, he is like that because he’s an only”. “he’s so mature, spoiled, pampered because he’s an only” but these are all traits a child in a big family can display just as easily. I will always stand strong on the premise that a child learns best from his parents on how to behave, how to argue, how to treat others, how to play fair and even how to share. Friends/peerd are invaluable, but siblings are not necessary in the raising of a healthy, happy completely well adjusted adult. Remember to look at all the dysfunctional adults in society. I can bet a huge majority of them had siblings.
We should all nurture our children and love them and provide them with caring and loving life lessons. make sure they have time to BE kids with other kids and also to have alone time to just be bored and get creative. With or without siblings.
March 28th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Stacy - I hear you…..that’s where I am coming from as well. Fertility treatments are extremely expensive and when you have an only child and want another but can’t (especially when ART is the only option one’s got) that’s where a whole myriad of emotions come to the surface - especially the guilt. I wish I could say that I only ever wanted one child and no more…..then I don’t think the guilt I feel for not being able to provide a sibling would be as great as it is.
I would love to see the top 10 answers to “when are you having a second child”…..I never know how to answer that anymore.
March 28th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Exactly my feelings. I know we can not afford fertility treatments and that makes me even more angry and mad and after I’m angry and mad then I’m sad. Either way, I haven’t been the fun and friendly person I usually am. Especially since my boss just went through the same treatment I would have to go through and she just found out she’s pregnant. (She and three of my other coworkers just found out this week that they are all pregnant.) Lucky me.
March 28th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Top 10 list of answers to the “When are you having a second child??”. There are more than 10 here. Not in any particular order. Apologies to the contributors- their names are not added in the list since it was taken out of a raw database. The forum will be re-installed soon. Waiting for a software update/ new version from WordPress…
1) We forgot the art of having kids. Tell me, oh, please tell me, howwww?
One is simpler than two.
Changing diapers was fun in the begining, but as the baby grows up, it is not fun anymore. Why would I repeat this process?
2) I live in a country where I am not allowed to make choices.
3) I am trying to conserve resources and reduce global warming.
4) Its been done to death. I want to try this new trend.
5) It was part of my parole conditions.
6) My cult doesn”t allow it.
7) My spiritual master has warned me that my next child would not be a human but a Dodo coming back from extinction. I don”t like flightless birds, they are no fun to hunt.
9) We tried artificial insemination, but the doctor is not upto it anymore.
10) We live in a homeless shelter these days, and you know what privacy there is like.
11) I signed a pledge with the government not to have any more. No, not the Federal Government.
12) We claim the only child tax benefit. We file our taxes in the Island of Taramaro Republic.
13) Our computer has been infected with a virus, and we are afraid it will spread to the baby that we conceive.
March 28th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Found some more:
** We plan to clone our only child in 2008. Two, for the price of one.
** The last one didn”t come with any warranty or owner’’s manual. The hospital refused to admit that they misled us. We are not going through with it again.
** But you can’t handle the truth.
** Why, why, why, oooohhhhh god, why????
** He had an accident, you know, there…
** My therapist doesn”t agree. Would you like a session with her, its only $300 an hour? May be you could convince her.
March 30th, 2008 at 4:39 am
My son is nearly eight. I had such a difficult time living in a dysfunctional family, ending up playing reversal roles,in that I was the parent, parenting my 3 siblings. I felt that I had a lifetime lived before I married and had my son.
Originally I didn’t want to bring any children in to what I saw as a miserably and painful existence. But when I met my husband, nature kicked in and I yearned for a child. I decided that unless I experience that yearning again I would try to just have one child, being responsible financially etc
I do worry that he is developing normally and worry that he is more mature than his peers. I had siblings and yet I experienced the same thing. I was much more mature than my peers.
We try to emerge him in clubs of different kinds so as to give him the opportunity to interact and make friends.
I think no matter whether we have only children or not we will always worry and always wonder if we are doing what’s right for them. My brother has a large family and he worries that they will not have as much financially as other kids and worries that he doesn’t enough quality time with each child etc etc.
The most important thing in the world as far as I’m concerned is that each and every child feels that they are LOVED!!! If the child knows that they are loved, I believe that everything else can be rectified.
April 15th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
I come from a family of six kids. My parents still call me and check on things. Although I disliked it during my teens, I have grown up. I now appreciate them not letting go. They still advice me on a lot of life’s issues- without interfering in my marriage or parenting of my only child.
Why I am writing this is to ask this question:
When parents have 6 kids, they will have to spend equal time with all of them. But what happens if you have an only child? It is more difficult for parents of only children to let go completely or stay out of their lives.
May be the part of nourishing your marriage/relationship might be a very good thing for in this situation. That way, when the child grows up, you have mom and dad giving each other companionship, without having to constantly be in your only child’s life.
I would love to hear what others have to say.
April 16th, 2008 at 1:16 am
Yeah I agree. I already have the best child in the world. hmmmm, let’s see, then: why do people keep telling me I need to have more?
Although the story was moving, I think there’s more to it. The instinct to have children is very basic. For some, it is too strong. They would hurt more, wouldn’t they?
April 18th, 2008 at 1:54 am
I was moved by this story.
I too ended up in the only child category for reasons that were beyond our control.
People still keep asking us about when we are going to have the second child. My first and only child is 6 years old, and why don’t people get a clue from that. When I say “Medical Reason”, friends continue probing: like “what medical reason”, “don’t trust these doctors”. I just shut my brain off or rather tune them out. And then, I watch their lips, fingers and other parts of the body, but on mute mode. People quickly stop the conversation when I do that. The little evil person in me.
April 19th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
I cannot agree more.
2 years after my child was born, we started trying for the second one. But it didn’t work out because of 2ndry infertility. We couldn’t afford treatment, so we kept trying. Hubbie was happy - or rather, he grew happy. He kept telling me that one can also be enough, and that we can give our only child all the best.
I was resentful initially, but I too started accepting the situation. Once I got out of my hurt and anger mode, it became much better. Now my only child Sarah is 6 years old, and I couldn’t be happier.
So, it was just the concept of accepting your situation- coming to terms with it. Then the rest becomes very easy.
April 20th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Long distance relationship with parents…hmmm…that must be me. But my parents are so very stubborn, they don’t want to leave their really old home and stay close to me. Even though I am their only child, and I have an only child.
I guess they know when to let go, really let go…
April 24th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I have such horrible guilt as of late. I have a happy, healthy 4 year old. We love her to pieces. And yet because of secondary infertility, I feel like I am denying her something so basic. I feel a tremendous amount of personal failure at times. And because of my age I also have so much worry about continuing to pursue having a second child. And then I think, as much as I would love to experience a baby again, I am one year away from kindergarten and how nice it would be to have a piece of my own life back, perhaps go back to work. I feel stuck asking friends for advice or counsel because I don’t know many people in my situation. These on-line chats help me to make sense of it all. I know in the grand scheme of life, I am so fortunate and try to keep focused on that.
April 25th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Although in many places, having an only child is the norm (like in China), please remember that in some countries in Europe, its partly a growing trend. Some places like in the rural USofA and Africa do not have the only child trend. I am saying this because I beleive that the only child trend is growing even in places where it is considered ‘abnormal’. Take heart folks, its just a matter of time.
Besides, isn’t it all a matter of the local culture? When the local culture changes, you will no longer have the feel of guilt.
In the past, I have felt a lot better just talking about my problems in an anonymous place like the internet. Just talking it out and reading other people who are in the same situtation helped me enormously.
May 8th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
I totally agree in the importance of alone time. I know that is what I did a lot, even though i had 4 siblings.
My only son is now 3, and it worries me that he will not play alone. he needs me, his father or his grandmother to play as his mate, whom he totally uses as a robot that does what he wants.. after all we adults don’t really want to get into a fight about what the doll is supposed to say to the other. I’m worried that he’s getting a totally wrong picture of how the society works and is getting worse and worse at playing with other kids. I arrange play dates maybe once a week.. Should I strive to do more of those, or is there another way to support his independene in this realm.
We co sleep and I breastfed him thill 2, I feel that this might have caused him to not find his independent self as early as others..
Any ideas how to support his alone time?
May 9th, 2008 at 7:41 am
Since no one has replied yet, I thought I should share my thoughts here.
First of all, you are doing many of the right things.
As far as the things you feel are not going right- like having to keep him engaged or entertained- don’t you think he is too young and this is rather on the normal side of things?
Of course, it is time you started transitioning him out of that mode, but that is precisely what you are doing with playdates.
One thing I would suggest is that you should consider increasing the number of playdates- target 5 per week, and you will eventually end up with 2 or 3 per week. They are at a parallel play age, and there are chemistries to sync. Besides, it is important for the parents of both kids to get along well. And there are issues like scheduling, transportation, logistics, nap times etc…Sounds like a military operation, doesn’t it?
The only child will become independent if parents inculcate that in their child.
Consider these 2 points:
1) Since they have no siblings to guide them, in many ways they become independent faster. 2) However, since all of the parents’ time and attention is spent on the only child, he will stay dependent longer.
So I guess it all depends on the personality of the child, social circumstances, parenting, schooling and a lot of other factors.
It is normal for parents to be more stressed about their first child. By the time the second one comes, they are less stressed, more experienced (and if I might say so, less concerned). Being an only child’s parent, you just will be stressed for a much longer period!
Supporting his time alone:
You could start with more playdates. Consider going to the library twice a week, and let him lounge around and also pick books by himself. Lego sets are good- the interest in this might last for several years if they start young. This is the age when they are interested in water- lots of pans and cups and trucks going through water pools. Playdoh and lots of molds. A mini sand-pit can also keep little ones engaged. Try setting a trend of self-play from the very beginning (instead of you playing with him).
Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
Admin
PS: one activity at a time, stretched over half a day or so. Put the water, playdoh, sand and legos in together at the same time- and you end with mess all around and a disinterested child with a short attention span who will keep coming back to you to be a playmate. Your mileage may vary. Batteries not included
May 17th, 2008 at 3:55 am
My only daughter is 3 1/2. she is currently attending a waldorf inspired “kindergarden” 15 hours week. Of the 9 kids in the group 6 are only children. her 2 best friends are onlies and these are who she plays with the most. I wonder how having other only child playmates versus ones with siblings maybe accentuates the only child stereotypes.
May 18th, 2008 at 10:07 am
hmmmm, no replies yet- maybe I should jump in here.
Let me see….My first instinct would be to say that there would be a cancellation between the only child characteristics, that is, both will learn to get along. May be some difficulties in the beginning though.
Kelley: Kind of a difficult question, a difficult situation to analyze
It would help us if you can tell us something about the dynamics of this group of 9. Would be very interesting for readers here…
I feel that the onlies would end up getting along better, but a lot of it depends on parenting. Instead of accentuating the “stereotypes”, I guess it would only reduce it!
I would suggest you fix playdates with all the 9 if possible, and look at the dynamics. One on One playdates. Would be a nice little experiment
May 22nd, 2008 at 11:37 pm
I’m writing back to you guys with incredible results. The same night I wrote here, I read another discussion about how to get your kids to spend that alone time, infact I was sure it was this website, but cannot find it anymore. There was a couple of women who had cut of tv completely from their kids and that had worked for them. Since the whole issue of tv had been bothering me allways, it was an easy decission for me. The next day we woke up to a new world, no tv to ease out the morning crankiness, no tv while mommy takes a shower and no tv when mom cooks dinner. I started telling him “Mommy doesn’t like it, so there’s no more tv in the house, you wanna play instead!” And that of course worked.
We fixed breakfast together, and by the time I was in the shower, I think it allready klicked on him, that hey, I can imagine alone, I can make up fantasy worlds!!
It’s been two weeks now, and he has only asked for tv tree times (for real!!!) and every time the same answer works, and I play with him for 5 minutes and suddenly he is so deep in this fantasy world, that I can clean, cook and all that. We’re still working on that mommy is alowed to read a magazine part, but i think it’ll come. I am so thankfull to those ladies, whom ever they were, for leading me to this direction, I cannot believe what a difference no tv has made on my kids indepenence and CREATIVITY, you should only see, he plays with anything, constructs new inventions, and talks talks talks…. Exactly how we were as kids, now I know an only child CAN do the same.
My hero, the lady on a website said that tv might buy you an hour of peace but it robs your child the ability to create, he will think he constantly needs entertainment and when tv is not on, the show is on you.
If he want’s mommy time, he already knows the trick, he calls me out to do puzzles or read a book. I think he secretly likes not seeing his tv shows. The characters sometimes are involved in his play. Today a sock was Curious Charlie, don’t know if he forgot George’s name already or this is a new character
May 23rd, 2008 at 12:30 am
Christy, I might want to say you took this article as an attack against families of three rather than as a support to strong friendships… When the article suggested to take a friend along for a museum, or have them join vacation, they probably didn’t imply that being alone with her parents would not be of ultimate importance. I do though, disagree with the article when they say that a child can look upon her friends as siblings. I have 4 sisters and the bond is so special I could never imagine that closeness with someone outside the family. If I did not have sisters, maybe I would have learned to bond better with my friends, but that never happened, to me friends are fun to have, but they change with life situations, sisters stay. Therefor, I’m going to be pretty incapable to push that bond in my kid toward his friends. With his only cousin I am doing that though. Unfortunately they live oceans apart…
But Christy, you are right, your family IS whole, and I think an only child has a very special relationship with his parents. I must say that in our pack of five girls, our parents are sort of outsiders, even still as we are adults and we sit down for dinner, I feel bad that we dominate the discussions, and my parents are almost left out because they’ve had such a different life from ours, they we’re young farmer parents and we are thirty something -old world travelers… Our youngest sister has this incredible relationship to my mom, which I’m very jealous of, I never had that. And now with my only son, I see things happening in our relationship, that makes me think.. did I ever have that with my parents, and… would he ever have said that or thought this way, had he a little brother right there fighting for toys with him. Even though I still hope for another kid, I really hope that this special relationship we have now, will last and I’m soo thankfull that we had these years alone.
May 31st, 2008 at 4:21 am
I often say, after people make polite stereotypical comments about my being an only child, that growing up an only child was as they described or the exact opposite. My comment is usually met with puzzled faces. What seems to be overlooked is that many only children are onlies because they were not planned. They were accidents, a surprise… whether or not they were ever told the truth about how they came to be. And the parents made sure that “mistake” didn’t happen again. Some people don’t want a child, yet find themselves with one. They are not bad people, or poor, or abusive in a legal sense, they just had no desire to be a parent. I would say that my experience growing up has been the exact opposite of the stereotype…I was left alone all the time while growing up, I got very little attention, direction or guidance. I lack the little details, the little bits that one only learns from being around others. I can relate to Pippy Longstocking and George of the Jungle. I don’t know how to play cards or board games very well. I don’t come across as I intend. I never suffered those little injustices that children fold into who they become later in life, the stuff that builds character. I never had someone walk into the room and change the channel when I was watching tv, if I left food in the frig…it was always there when I returned. I was alone, but have NEVER been lonely. I often relate to the quote that “a room full of people is the loneliest place in the world.” I am embarassed to say that I talk to myself, outloud, as if speaking to someone…I have done this all my life, well into adulthood, and can never imagine not doing so. I was into my 20s when I was innocently relating my childhood experience to a friend, who turned to me and said “how sad.” That was the first time I realized that others had a very different kind of upbringing…one that involved holidays and summers playing with siblings and cousins, childhood pranks and silliness. You might think Christmas is fun when you get all the presents. It’s quiet, nothing much special is done when it’s just one, it doesn’t seem worth all the trouble. Christmas caroles, trimming the tree, family traditions…seemed silly for one. There isn’t a lot of laughter when you are almost always the only person in the room, but there is happiness. My world was one of make-believe and fantasy, my animals, my stuffed animals were my constant companions, and I was never in the house without the tv on, whether or not I was watching it. Well into my 20s I had fears that most long leave behind in their childhoods. If you met me, you would never know this to have been my life experience. I am well-educated, well-traveled, blond and blue-eyes. I am a soulful person, considered inteligent…pensive, mindful. I have a global perspective…my focus is outward. I have been referred to as like Princess Di…being drawn in life to wounded souls. If you saw me on the street, you would never feel sorry for me…more likely you would attribute a charmed life, that I come from a “good family” and have been afforded every opportunity in life. Now, I say that I would never do that to a child. I want a large family, adopting 5-6 kids hopefully. I want a home full of kids, animals, people running all over the place, organized chaos. A home teeming with love, life and laughter. I want my home to be the one that all the neighborhood kids hang out at. Yet I dear and troubled friend of mine once wrote to me, “you and I are destined to walk this earth alone…and to feel and kind of aloneness that is permanent.”
June 2nd, 2008 at 11:26 pm
I have a son that is 3.He gets bored very easily.So I have to constantly entertain him and find him things to do and playmates,etc.etc.
I get it done the best I can..but unfortunatelywe live in a very isolated area.No tother kids around,so that is hard.He is by himself alot,so we have always tried to compensate with toys,lots of toys,anything he has ever wanted…which by the way is the wrong thing to do….he gets so much I believe thats why he gets bored easy,if that makes any sense.Anyway its hard..don’t really know what to do.
June 7th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
I am an only child and you know what, IT SUCKS!! I am always lonely, I have nobody to talk to, I just sit in front of my laptop and television and think of how to make a friend since there is no one to interact with. When I try to play with my mom she just yells at me then I go sit in my room and cry.
My name is Zachary, age 14
June 8th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Zachary, your post made me very sad. Have you tried to talk to your mom about how you feel? Maybe she is distracted and doesn’t realize what you are going through. I can tell you, however, that sometimes being 14 can suck, even if you DO have brothers or sisters! It is just a part of life we all go through.
Not dismissing your feelings - please try to talk to your mom or someone else you are close with. I am a mom of an only boy and I KNOW I would want you to come to me if you were my son.
June 8th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
Zacahry,
Just a suggestion here: try persuading your mom to read the article titled Adolescence and Your Only Child on this website.
Admin
June 30th, 2008 at 9:38 am
great website. so comforting and reassuring
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:29 am
This is a great website. Lots of nice articles and information on resources for the parents of an only child. This website has been very helpful in reassuring me that my decision is ok. Thanks for this wonderful website.
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:19 am
Thank you lo and Dani for stopping by. Good to know this site was of help!
July 8th, 2008 at 4:08 am
I am the mother of a 10 year old son and am consumed with guilt about denying my child a sibling. My husband and I both come from large families and I had always assumed that we would have more than 1 child. However, despite the unquestionble joy that our son brings us, my husband never envisaged it would have such an impact on our day-to-day life and chose not to extend our family. Our marriage also went through a difficult time and I know that this influenced his decision. I am now silently resenting my husband for the choice he made and also feel devastated that I didn’t do more to convince him otherwise; before it was too late. I guess I feel guilty too that our relationship clearly wasn’t solid enough at that time to extend our family. If anything, having an only child has proved harder as you are consciously mindful of their need for play-mates at home, on days out, family holidays, etc. It breaks my heart when my son occasionally states that he is lonely or wishes he had a sibling to play with. It is too painful to even think about when we are elderly and the impact that this will have on our son. The objective side of me knows that there are some advantages to having an only child, but at the moment I’m really struggling to identify with those. The last thing I want to do now is allow my feelings to rock the family that I know we are very lucky to have.
July 8th, 2008 at 4:17 am
Jan,
Thanks for sharing your experience here.
What are the top 3 things that really bother you about having an only child? Maybe listing them might help you as well as other readers. After you list them down here on your next comment, others might offer their views and help you feel better.
Don’t forget that sibling relationships sometimes turn out very bad.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Google is slow. I just saw your review of my book, Parenting an Only Child. It’s designed to be supportive of those considering or who have an only child. I think the comment in your note is a bit strong: “manifesto.”
You can learn more about singletons at my new blog for Psychology Today Magazine by clicking on Singletons in the blog section.
July 12th, 2008 at 9:08 am
I like that story. My husband and I decided to have a vasectomy after our 1 and only child. A couple of years later we thought that we had made a bad decision and maybe wanted more. We think about it sometimes. It’s not impossible to have it reversed, but it’s too expensive for us and not really an option. I think though that we were just giving into the pressure from others to have more. (EVERYONE else is having more, why aren’t we?)
I think it’s important to remember how precious your only is or they will be grown up before you know it.
July 12th, 2008 at 9:48 am
I really like this article. It brings to light the bad habits you start to form with an only child. One of our main problems is interrupting. I don’t know how many times I have tried to explain to our 4 year old not to interrupt! She still does it though! Anyone have ideas that worked for them??
July 12th, 2008 at 9:55 am
It’s hard not to focus ALL your attention on your only child. Sometimes I feel like my husband and I expect WAY too much out of our 4 year old. Jeez, I hope she doesn’t feel like she has to be perfect. I love my one and only!
July 12th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
I just found this website and I have been crying for twenty minutes. Everything I am feeling, right here, without judgement. I unfortunately had to have a hysterectomy and although I am blessed with a wonderful son, I always thought there would be more children. A house full. Coming to terms with this is hard, finding this website will help. Thank you.
July 13th, 2008 at 9:25 am
There is a lot of helpful, comforting information on this site. Thank you!
July 14th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
I am so glad to find this site. We have a 5 year old and have tried 5 ivf’s in 4 years but no second child. We decided to throw in the towel and embrace/enjoy the life God has given us. But today driving home from a playdate, my son sadly said he “wished he always had someone to play with at home like a brother or sister.” I knew that would probably come out one day but not this early. I didn’t know what to say. He was tearing up and tried to wipe away the tears so I didn’t see them. It totally broke my heart in a way I have never known. There is no other option for us as far as more siblings unless we adopt, which we decided we weren’t going to do. Anyway, the pain eases when I read all of your posts. Thank you for your support.
July 14th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
My reason for having one child is simple: we are fulfilled and happy as a family of three. I love that I can enjoy my son completely and not have to divide my time between 2 or more children. I love the close relationship my husband and I have with our son. My son is independent, social, considerate of others and enjoys the company of other children. It all comes down to what is expected of and modeled for your child.
July 14th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
I understand the guilt and heartbreak your son’s longing for a sibling must have loaded on you. I have an only son also, although he’s not quite three, I know the day will come when he vocalizes the same longing. Try not to beat yourself up too much; I can remember as a child wishing I DIDN’T have a sibling!!:-)
We have gone back and forth about having a second child, but without going into too many details, we have accepted that this is how our family was meant to be. Our wonderful son IS adopted, by the way. We never actually tried to conceive on our own; our son came to us in a way that could only be fate and I could not love him any more if I had carried him in my own womb. I tell you this in case you ultimately decide you want to expand your family. Adoption is a wonderful thing.
July 14th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Great article. This is an area that we often struggle with. Most think it is adorible, but I feel like a failure when my daughter would rather have adult converastions then go out and play with children her own age. Although I was much like her and I am from a family with 4 children. Maybe this is more a personality thing then an only child thing.
July 15th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Angela…it is very normal for a child of 3 to get bored, He would get bored even if he had a sibling. I also have a son who is 21/2 and we live in a isolated area,but I let him find things to do to entertain himself..you should not feel the need to always keep him busy. My nieces complain all the time that there bored and there’s nothing to do, they have each other ,but thats all they do is fight! I’d rather have one little bored boy then 2 fighting little girls!
July 16th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
I’m still deciding whether or not to have another child or stick to just the one I have. I found this article insightful but can’t help but question the sources, particularly the study about first borns having a higher IQ. It appears to be written to appeal to parents of single children by stating information that is more or less ‘in the eye of the beholder’ as fact based on vague studies. I recently discovered this site and will continue to read on I…thanks for posting these articles.
July 16th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Thanks for your post J.
The sources for this article are various: books on only children, research papers on only children, and those on birth order.
Why I say this is that many forget that their first-born was an only child for a few years.
As you say, yes, some of these studies may be ‘vague’. But it is quite difficult to dismiss birth order studies- same family, same social class, same parents too :))
Having higher IQ in itself does not make a happy child, nor qualify parents as being the best. For argument’s sake, you could call higher IQ as a ’side-effect’ of being an only. And this applies to the first born too- even in a family with lots of kids.
Once again, thanks for stopping by and posting. It helps all of us when we have a discussion when everyone shares their thoughts. And as I glean from your post, sometimes other people feel that parents of onlies are an island to themselves. Are we cheering for the home team?
July 16th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Thanks for your comment. Its always nice to hear from authors whose work has been reviewed here.
The comment is followed by a smiley, and was not meant to be taken literally.
I agree with many of the things that you say in Part 1 of your book. However, many readers of this site (Only Child Project) point out that when they read through the articles, the general tone is pro only child, and imply that it reads like propaganda to them. I just smile
May not agree, though!
I have another review of the same book and will put it online when I find it. Must be in my old drive or someplace
July 16th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
Angela,
Different children have different personalities. Yours might be the type who loves to be with people. Some love books, some love imaginary games with imaginary friends- they are all different.
As Tammy says, 3 is too young for you to worry about. In fact, many families have kids spaced 3 or 4 years, and the first one is an only for that long.
If you are worried about how it will turn out in the future, please read some other posts where readers have offered suggestions on how to keep their onlies busy.
Toys per se are not bad, maybe you could consider letting him have just one or two toys per play session. That way, he won’t get bored easily.
Arts, library, scheduled play dates…
July 16th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
Yes, thank god we all are different- would be boring otherwise. Just her personality maybe. She might change completely when she gets into her teens!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
July 20th, 2008 at 1:02 am
Just wanted to say I am glad I found this forum. I was up late looking for blogs on only children (not by choice). It took us 2 IUI’s, and 5 IVF’s to have our miracle son. When I started this process, I was 30, I am now 36. With our history, the chances of success with IVF are slim to none and we just don’t think we can handle another “process” such as adoption. Dh has ruled it out, while I am still on the fence. But, unfortunately, we spent much of our savings to have our son.
Our ds is now 2 and is happy as can be. He has loving parents and very involved granparents. I am lucky to be home with him and just do some part time work at home to keep us afloat. We have a good life and I am happy. It is just hard b/c everyone I met when I had ds, is now having a 2nd child. I have tried to explain our infertility story to them, but they don’t understand. How could they? It only took them one or two trys to get pregnant.
I just can’t stand to hear another person say the best gift you can give your child is a sibling or look at my stomach to see if I am pregnant another time. I am so worried that ds is going to be lonely and ask for a sibling. My husband is 11 years older than his sister, so he is much more like an uncle. He just does not have the same fears as I do. Any advice?
Thank you for listening.
Best,
Heather
July 20th, 2008 at 1:33 am
I guess your answer lies in your comment:
“My husband is 11 years older than his sister, so he is much more like an uncle. He just does not have the same fears as I do.”
If your husband doesn’t have these fears, and if you think he turned out ok, then why do you fear for your son?
But I need to remind you of an issue that is sometimes touched upon on this website: What happens when you (and husband) age? What after you both pass away?
There are a couple of articles on those issues.
Thanks for sharing your story with us…
July 20th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
Admin,
I am not sure why I still have these fears. I suppose it is b/c I have a sibling who is 3.5 years younger. We certainly have had our issues, but are close as adults.
As far as aging, I really don’t think anyone can count on their child/children to take care of them. It is just an unfair expectation. We are lucky enough that we are financially secure and are planning for retirement so our son would not have to worry about money. Of course, we would like to spend time with them, but in my opinion, having 2 children does not guarantee anymore security than one. My parents have 2, but they are not planning on us having to take care of them financially. As far as us passing away, I can only hope that our son has his own spouse/partner/family to fulfill his life. Since I don’t really have a choice (in having an only), I try not to stress about this.
Alas, it would not be my choice to have one child, but I don’t believe our son has to have a terrible life because of it. In fact, there are definitly some pluses. He will get more of our attention, will have access to more educational opportunities, and more opportunities in general due to the fact we only have one child to support.
Due to my very long history of infertility and the fact I had cancer 12 years ago, my husband just does not think we need to go through another process such as adoption. I am working on acceptance, but know it will take some time.
Thank you,
Heather
July 22nd, 2008 at 4:11 am
Although I’m not a parent yet…god forbid, I’m still in university; I too, was an only child. I will admit, that being an only child does come with its share of challenges, parents of only children need not feel guilty of their choice. Most children I knew growing up had one or more siblings and I remember hearing the constant complaints of lack of personal space, snooping (and oh boy this was a biggie) and disrespect for privacy therefore, having multiple children in a family does not always guarantee happiness. Although your only child will experience his or her share of adversity, rest assured, they will grow up becoming independent-minded, well adjusted individuals (mainly because at a very young age, they learn that they have no scapegoats and that they also cannot get out of doing boresome chores because they have to ’subjects’ to bestow the work upon). Therefore, all you can do as parents is to be there for your children in times of need and know that you can only do what you can to ensure their happiness…it is up to your child as a person to discover what truly makes them happy.
July 24th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Stephanie - a little less explaining and a little more imposing a consequence would help. Explaining doesn’t slow a 4 year old down. Tell your child the behaviour is unacceptable, tell her what the consequence will be if it happens again, and then do it. There will be tears and then the behaviour will stop.
August 2nd, 2008 at 12:59 am
I have one daughter, aged 19, and I must admit that I would have been more inclined to have another child if I had known then what I know now. She was raised by me almost exclusively, as my husband was and is a workoholic. We never had any family close by. My daughter has told me over the years that she never felt much like part of a ‘real’ family. She has always felt she missed out on the big family celebrations, that she didn’t get excited about Christmas because she didn’t have siblings to get excited with, that family things were always very flat. I did my best and she acknowledges that I did, but she can’t help the way she feels. She has always enjoyed being in other people’s households full of people coming and going, full family dynamics etc. She and I both watch the show “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ and it makes us both cry. I copped out when I only had one. I had pre-eclampsia and was in hospital for a month prior to her birth, but I could have had another child. I chickened out and deprived her of a normal family life. I feel an enormous amount of guilt about it. I have a friend that has 3 kids, works full-time and is an amazing mother. All her kids interact well together and they have an amazing, nurturing, family unit. I’ve always been an under achiever, and only having a single child exemplifies that for me. I’m not saying that other people who have onlies are wrong or selfish, or anything of the sort, but I feel this way myself. I do believe that growing up without siblings may have more profound affects than we can predict.
August 2nd, 2008 at 11:15 am
I have a 11 year old only daughter…me and my wife decided to have just one but since the past few months when i see my daughter I get the guilt feeling “who does she have after we pass away”…there could be times when she needs someone to talk to….
August 3rd, 2008 at 10:25 pm
I too feel the heartache of having an only. She just turned 7. I pray with all my heart and with every ounce of my being that my daughter will not resent us as she ages and will not look back on her childhood and be sad. My sister told me yesterday that she was pregnant. Baby two. Of course i was one of the last to know because of the delicate matter of my not being able to conceive another child. Still bitter. Almost a year after being told we could not conceive naturally I am still angry but I can honestly say I’m happy for my sister. She has a son who is 14 months old and now pregnant again. I am so happy she didn’t wait because as i sadly learned opportunities sometimes don’t knock twice. On a happy note, very happy, my daughter was invited to her first birthday party that was not family related. This warms my heart to see the excitement on her face. My goal is to do the best I can for her and hopefully when she’s older she will understand.
August 4th, 2008 at 4:26 am
I’m 39 and my son is 2 1/2. My relationship with my husband is not great (strained most of the time) but we both love our son very much. I am so torn on this whole issue. I had a friend that was an only child and she absolutely hated it. I do everything with my son but I see how he lights up when other kids are around and when we go to the playground he always asks where the other kids are. I think about the financial aspect of having another child and putting additional strain on out finances. However, my sister always tells me that I will be able to find the money. I think about when I die, who will my son have? My mother died 6 years ago and I can’t imagine not having my sisters. I have been struggling over this issue daily for about a year now.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
August 5th, 2008 at 3:49 am
Hi Christine,
I can understand your son’s attraction to other kids. My dd is very fond of people too. She seldom asks for toys, but always asks for friends. Initially, when she was 2, I used to feel very bad when she would ask for friends to play with. Over time, I figured out that “information is vital”. I collected information about various activities that took place in our neighborhood: libraries, nature centers, malls etc, and passed the information to other parents. Most of the parents appreciated it. After the so called activity (story time at the library or puppet show at nature center), we mothers hung out with the kids for sometime or had small picnics. It was a joy to watch my little one having fun.
Now she is 8, and I still do the same! I conduct some activities during the long holidays and invite her friends, or take them to museums etc. Some parents reciprocate, and some will take a free ride. Initially, it irked me that some people were taking advantage of me. But I changed my attitude. I learned that it doesn’t matter: if my dd is having a wonderful relationship with her friends I need to nurture it.
Also, dh reminds our dd that, in spite of having many friends, there will be days when she may not have anyone to play with. And even if there are friends, she might not get along with some them that day, and these are normal things.
Providing playmates for our little ones is a long process. It takes time and effort. I still spend a lot of my time (advantage of having an only child!) planning things so that she will have as many friends as possible around her.
Regarding your only child decision- since you have a very close relationship with your sister, encourage your son to have a close relationship with your sister’s kids. See if it works out, and if they get along well, he will not miss having siblings. It takes some effort on your part though: planning vacations together…
August 8th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
it can get a little overwhelming scheduling all the playdates. but i know it is necessary. but i do envy families with a lot of children sometimes. the tribal element is so powerful
August 8th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Great article!! yes!! I need to come to terms with my own cravings in order to prevent my daughter from feeling the same loss or emptiness. Im just trying to figure out how to deal with my physiological (not logical!) craving for a child. Women out there, know what I mean?? That deep sensation of wanting to feel “full” again…
August 8th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
oh, and to ammend– I know that the lack of second child is not a “loss”
August 8th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Let’s hope after we pass away our children will all have spouses, children and alot of friends to network with. My biggest concern is a normal childhood.
August 9th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
My reasons for having only one child is becuase my husband and I are both happy with our only daughter,she is 8 and a smart, healthy girl , but recently she has started to complain about being the only one, she thinks there is something wrong with her life, she sometimes even expresses her fears of future, when there would be no parents, that has made us revieiw our decision , I am 34 and was always thinking that one is enough, but it seems that our daughter doesnt appreciate all she has, and just thinks about the only thing she doesnt have : Sibling .
I m afraid this would leave her with lots of other issues, any suggestions for me?
August 10th, 2008 at 12:21 am
my only son is 9yrs old. When he is around children he seems to get along with the layed back kid not trhe hyper or pushy one. And one At a time. So if any more that one kid comes around to play with he seems to have a difficult time socializing and being “let in” and then feeling left out. What can i do about this??
August 11th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Thank you for both the pro and con articles to homeschooling an only child. We are still debating the subject for our son. So many articles you read is about a family of 2 or more children, and I was wondering the impact on an only child.
August 12th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
I had a sister and I felt the same way. I don’t think it is the fact that you are a single child, it is your parents who did not engage with others and did not make your holidays and vacation special.
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:55 am
i lkie this article
i have also only child
in second time there was miscarriage
and me and husband decided to done vasectomy
after that i felt very sad that i have not 2 children
but when i read this article i feel great that i have world’s best only child
August 23rd, 2008 at 12:59 am
I am an only child,age 50 and I have an only child age 8.My Mother tells me I was never selfish with my material things because I was happy to have friends to share with. My Mother always said it was the children who had siblings,who had to share all the time,who were selfish with their things. As a child, I was keenly aware that people viewed only children as unacceptable. Those same people now have grown children who are not particularly successful.Although I was shy, I did have to learn some extroverted traits to make friends. I have always done better in one on one relationships than in groups.I am inquiring about how to help my daughter socially. She is lonely at school and doesn’t know how to make friends.Is there an only child network available in local communities? We live in Indiana
August 23rd, 2008 at 3:27 am
@portia,
To set up a local network: I can set up a web page for you on here, which you will manage, for your local area.
If you are interested, please let me know.
If you want one for, say, Bloomington, it would look something like this:
bloomington.onlychildproject.com
You can add users yourself or allow automatic registrations, manage users, discuss stuff etc- all on your site. Web-savvy users can also change the way the pages look, pictures etc. This site will be a little bit independent from the main onlychildproject.com site.
It is a good way for local onlies to get together- provided there is sufficient interest. You can leave your reply here on the comment page if you are interested…
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:19 am
Thank you for your rapid reply. You must be a night owl like me!Do you think families with only children would seek out a network of other onlies? Have you received similar inquiries?
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:51 am
Being an only child myself and never knowing about this resource, I would like to know how this project got started. Who started it and why and when and where? All the prejudices I have lived with because of my only child status, in my own extended step-family, came rushing back to me after I read about all the misconceptions. I would like to be involved in educating others about the real challenges only children face.
August 24th, 2008 at 3:58 am
Sounds interesting, but how will go about setting about like a 1000 of these? I mean one for each city kind of thing.
I would like to do this for my neghbourhood, but not for the whole city. Maybe first form it for the whole city and then subdivide.
So, what will it take for me to get one going on this website, I mean like the example you gave above?
August 24th, 2008 at 4:28 am
It takes some perseverance and effort on your part…
Looks like we are all from different time-zones!
Give me a week or two and I’ll look at the response. Keep watching this particular topic, or rather subscribe to it- its much easier.
August 24th, 2008 at 11:45 am
I thank you for offering to set up a web page for my locality that I would manage. I would be happy to have the opportunity to connect with local onlies and their families.I live in Noblesville,Indiana, adjacent to Westfield, Fishers, Lapel and Indianapolis. Do you recommend that I distribute fliers locally to make people aware?
August 24th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
@portia: The fliers, not yet. Give me a week.
Same applies to you @ana.
I need time to change the software to accommodate the changes to make it all happen. Maybe a week or so. Thanks everyone for showing initiative.
The fliers: when we are ready with the details of the site, can be put at primarily at the local libraries and playschools- they both are very receptive. Also at local Universities, because some of the grads have kids, and are kinda lost. Bookstores like Borders, Chucky-Cheeze are somewhat ok.
Many Libraries have story times, and that’s a good time to distribute fliers.
Many of the local events and places of interest are crowded with parents of onlies: Wildlife centers have periodic open houses, libraries have ice-cream socials etc.
Will let all of you know when I have the software set up. This is a powerful software, and people can auto sign in if you set it to. The users belong to your particular group, and you can make posts private- users will need a password to read posts. The list goes on…
August 30th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Hi Everyone out there,
Read all the messages submitted here, also happy that there is a space to add on my thoughts too..having an only child is really inducing so much of guilt in me too….my problem being having had a c-section and then another surgical procedure for incisional hernia….do i jeopardize a second pregnancy and strain my lower part of my body…what if the weight of the pregnancy causes another hernia..then i will require a c-section procedure anyways to deliver the baby and another open surgical procedure to repair the hernia…the third operation would be done for sure to take out the baby, and the next lies on a clause - ‘if my intestine weakens again’. If it does….do i take care of myself, the baby born or the first child…hahaha…my predicament would be pathetic…and for all u know, all the great advising folks would now start talking why i should have jeopardised my health knowing all these facts…do i circulate a notice and send it across to all…or plan how well i can bring up the darling one whom i have now….God only knows….Hope i will hear an answer to my hearts fears….
August 31st, 2008 at 12:56 am
I would then ask: why bother? But that’s just me…
If there’s more than an average risk accompanying having a second child, maybe you should think within yourself, and ask WHY you need a second child. May be write a list of priorities
September 4th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
I am so grateful that I was an only child and having to deal with my father who had Parkinson’s disease. It was a real blessing for I never had to argue with a sibling over his care, going in/out of a court system sharing the liquidation of his assets, or the emotional side with another person. It was a real blessing and many friends were available to provide me help when I needed it.
September 7th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Thanks for this book review, it made me buy the book b/c it’s one of the most recently published.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:17 am
I am so glad I found this website. I always wanted a big family, but my husband and I have only been able to have one, beautiful, bright and hilarious 9 yo boy. Even though I am 45 I would love to have another baby. But it took 4 years to conceive our son. I never thought it would be a problem - my Mom has 4 children and that’s not including a couple of miscarriages. For a reason undiscovered I do not conceive easily. To add to that our economic circumstances and a rocky relationship have been prohibitive as well,even if biology was no factor. I feel guilty very often, though there have been occasions that I have accepted our family as it is. In fact I was feeling pretty at peace until recently when my ds has brought up his desire for siblings several times. Most recently was today. When I asked him why he wanted siblings he said because everyone else has siblings. And he said our dog did not make a very good brother (he’s always called him his brother, which breaks my heart). And he said, “you have your sister.” Eventually he admitted he was lonely. It just broke my heart!! I explained to him that there are good things about being an only (although I was hard-pressed to think of any) and bad things about being a sibling and that no one’s life is exactly the way they want it to be. But I feel so badly about it. Mostly his loneliness!! We have no family close by and he is the only grandchild in my family. There are no cousins on my side - only 2 on ds’s side, but he and his sister are estranged and they live on the opposite coast anyway.
That said I grew up with a slew of cousins and two brothers and I am not in touch nor close to any of them now! Many of them, sadly, have drug and alcohol problems.
We’re also new to our area, which is hard. He plays soccer, but no one seems to make friends on the soccer team…and we are involved at church and with another group, but it’s still hard to make close friends. Though he had a birthday party last year and 25 kids came (I was so surprised and grateful)! But he wasn’t invited to one birthday. No one invites him over. But he seems well liked. So I don’t know…it’s just hard. In our old home, we had friends to get together with.
He plays well by himself, but he just has to do it too much.
But it’s nice to know there are others out there and I am not completely alone.
Blessings,
Sherri
September 10th, 2008 at 1:24 am
@Sherri,
If loneliness is the only or main problem, you could set up a local Only Child Network. It will be something like:
yourtownname.onlychildproject.com
You could then manage the site, arrange for local only child activities, and get others involved. Others can sign up onto your site.
Let me know.
September 16th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
What a blessing to find this website and know that all my fears are real and shared. I am struggling with guilt for my 9 yr. old son. He is amazing of course. We had him late in life 40 yrs. and were blessed!!! But, then we tried for over 4 years to add to our family naturally - no luck. Now, I am so guilty - in menopause and no natural way left??? My sis-in-law is my age 49 and through IVF and donor egg is expecting triplets. I have been having a tough time - jealous and not. I love our small family - but, I have craved more for our son. I wish there was a cure for the guilt??? Not possible. Part of life and part of onlies not by choice! Thanks to all who shared and help me with your brave words. Peace!
September 29th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
I have a friend whose father had parkinsons and she tried very hard to deal with it together with her brother. They were never very close but still in contact with each other. Many fights etc occurred in the final years and it was horrible to watch it all unfold. My dear friend has decided to have just one child - i believe in most part due to her experiences etc throughout her life. I think she would be very apreciative that you posted your view point. I will pass this on. All the best.
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I see many people in life who have difficult, sometimes toxic, relationships with siblings. I’m sure those people would think they’re better off without a sibling. On the other hand, I know people who consider their sibling their best friend. I am an only child, age 50, who believes that God has given me the family that I have and I have not spent alot of time bemoaning circumstances I have no control over. When I was told I would never have a baby after cancer, I cried and then I got on with my life. God had other plans. My 8 year old was an unexpected miracle. But, again, she is an only child and she bemoans her circumstances. At her school there are very few only children in her class. Sometimes when she is left out or doesn’t fit in she dwells on the fact that they all have brothers and sisters and she doesn’t. Sometimes, I think a sibling relationship represents something that others can’t share or take away from you. Her father tells her about the difficult experiences he had with his sisters and brother. I tell her that someday when she is married she can have a larger family if that is her choice. She tells me she can’t concentrate at school because she is thinking about having brothers and sisters. My husband tells her to get over it. I love my child and would love to make her life as perfect as possible but alas I can’t. So at this young age she must learn a valuable lesson of life. We don’t always get what we want. And, sometimes God knows better than we do. Be careful what you ask for because you might get it comes to mind. In Sott Peck’s book The Road Less Traveled, the first sentence says Life is Hard. And so it is. I believe it is hard for everybody for different reasons. At 8, this is her reason. Someday she will have enough experiences in life to find some pros as well as cons to being an only child. In the meantime, we work to give her some perspective abouthow it all works in this big world.
October 11th, 2008 at 1:35 am
Hi Portia. I read your post above as well, it is so good to have some insights.
I really feel for you when dealing with your daughter’s shyness. I and my husband are shy and my 5year old boy seems to be following in our footsteps. I am not sure when you developed your ’survival techniques’ to combat the shyness, but mine did not come until i had left school and was working. Your little one is still young and may change in the coming years. As an aside, i had 3 brothers……. so, it was just within me to be a shy person. As a result, and i think this is your concern, it may not be because your little one is an only, but this is her personality. I find generally with shyness comes a thoughtful and caring person as well - HTH
Is there something that she really enjoys or that you have noticed she excels at? Perhaps focusing on this may distract her and build up her confidence. I have also found that i needed to teach my little one some conversation techniques such as asking particular questions when he meets someone - for us shy people it is really hard to think of what to say sometimes.
I am not sure if i have been of help, but i definately feel for you. Let me know how all is going!
February 8th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
How can I find friends for my daughter to play with on a regular basis? Our neighborhood doesn’t have any kids her age. She is 6. My family lives in another state. She has one friend but he lives far away. They see each other during birthdays and occasionally throughout the year.
Also, I can tell she wants friends that are girls to play with doll houses and things. She has so much energy and I stay constantly worn down trying to play with her everyday. I enjoy playing with her and she loves it to but my body isn’t in the shape it use to be when I was a kid. Also, my daughter is very outgoing and loves to interact with people. And she doesn’t like to play alone.
I was an only child and was very lonely. I didn’t develop friendships until I got in Jr. High school and High school. I don’t want her to experience this.
February 9th, 2009 at 11:57 am
My nine year old only child has struggled with having relationships in elementary school as I previously wrote about in this website. I am seeing some silver lining in the clouds. Grace who is shy has not had a BFF like most of the other girls her age but she has been very selective about the kids at school that she genuinely likes. She doesn’t attract toward the kids who are popular necessarily. She likes the kids that are nice to her when she or they make an effort. If they are not nice kids she will tell me and it is clear by the way she tells me that she is choosing not to be with them. She does not view it as they are not choosing to be with her which I think is the healthiest thinking. She has found a little boy her age who is also shy and they play together at recess. Recently, we invited him for a playdate. He and she were so well matched for friendship. They both like Webkinz and they laughed and giggled in what seemed a very equal conversation. These children somehow found each other. Needless to say I am a relieved mother after years of hit and miss relationships. Also, this weekend my daughter received a phone call from a little girl who runs with the popular group of girls. She asked her to spend the night this weekend. We have known this girl for three years but have never been included before. Her mother told me after the sleepover that her daughter who is not an only child is struggling with some of the mean girls in the group she runs with.We talked about how television, including Disney, promotes the girls with attitude. If I had one wish for these children, it would be that they’re parents discuss how to treat others on a regular basis. It is not ok to be mean because you are popular. Everyone deserves respect. The race for popularity should be who can be the nicest not who is best at the exclusive games that seem to be played.
On another note, I thought it interesting this morning that the woman who had 14 children attributed her desire to have alot of children to having been an only child who longed for siblings.I wish to instill in my only child the wisdom that children take a lot of time, attention, and money to succeed in life and they rely on us parents to make sure that we can provide those things to each and every one of them. I wish her well but I think she has bitten off more than most can chew. I hope she was not motivated to be a spectacle so as to make money for her and her children.
March 9th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
I am writing because I find myself torn about having more children. I have a wonderful 13 month old daughter, who I adore, but is a very hands on, demanding child (from day 1). My pregnancy was not easy(lots of complications), then my daughter had colic for 3 months and I suffered from PPD and in some way I am still working through issues. I am a teacher (who loves children) and have always envisioned having a mutli-child home; however, after having the first I am not so sure. I feel a lot of guilt for feeling uncertain about more children or not want to have more. I worry my decision will hurt my daughter in the long run, will she resent me not giving her a life-long companion(as my brother calls it), will she be lonely, etc…but I find myself wanting another child for all the wrong reasons..
1. just do it and get it over with, so I can be past this part of my life…get to the next step of the children’s development (not a baby person, neither is my husband)
2. to please others (my family and in-laws)
3. because I feel guilty
4. that is what I am supposed to do or what I envisioned my life would look like
5. so she will have a playmate or life-long companion
6. because my husband wants a little boy, but does not really want another girl
…but I do not want another child because I have this aching need to have another. On the flip side there are tons of reasons not to have another….
1. I love my daughter and want to give her a good life
2. Pregnancy did not agree with me (High-Blood Pressure, Water Retention, Placenta Previa, C-Section, PPD)
3. Not a baby person and having a child with colic was very hard on me and my husband
4. Finances do not really allow it…although people say that you do not wait to have children until you can afford it, that you will find the money…I do not want to live so tight to have 2 children that I can not give them meaningful experiences
5. I want to be able to help my daughter more than my parents were able to help me (college, support, time, etc…)
6. To have my own life and time with my husband. I want my daughter to have a full and happy childhood; however, I do not want to lose myself or my relationship with my husband to do it. We had a very difficult transition from married life to family life(who is to say it was not just the colic and PPD, but who is to say that having more children is going to make if fill more fulfilled or feel further apart, because we have less time for one another…I know sounds selfish!)
I just wish there was a magically simple answer! How do I move on? How do I make this decision…if we have another will I feel better? If we decide to have an only…how do I make the guilt or feelings of inadequecy go away?
I want to thank you for this site, because it has eased some of my feelings, but I would love to hear from others who have dealt with this issue or some advice of how to move forward.
March 9th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
May I ask your age and your husband’s age? Do you have time to wait and think this over?
March 15th, 2009 at 1:49 am
Ciec - i decided not to have a second for most of the reasons you mentioned above. Bad pregnancy, PND, relationship with husband etc. If you are talking about ‘getting it over and done with’ then perhaps now is not the time to be thinking of it. Perhaps you might be ready in the future and it is an option you can always keep open, BUT if you suffered from PND and are saying this, then perhaps it is not the best time to have another.
My brother has 3 children and they want more……. this is someting that they are sure about and it ’suits’ them. But, not us. Do what is best for you.
All the best
March 18th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Thank you for the comments. I appreciate hearing from others.
Portia - My husband and I are both about to turn 30.
Nicole - I think you are right…leaving the option open for now and we can revisit in the future.
For now I am going to enjoy my daughter and not plan on having anymore, but later on if I feel the desire to expand our family there is always that option. I can only make the decesion based on what is going on at this moment and my life. Time will tell what in the end will happen.
May 2nd, 2009 at 8:11 pm
I’m amazed at the selfishness of many women who decide to have large families. Kids become teams of “staff” to which they can delegate. Here in the Midwest, (Catholicland-Chicago) the size of one’s family is considered some sort of status symbol. I have friends who have kids 18 years apart. It’s crazy. Often they ignore the needs of the adolescent while building their dynasty of little soccer players. A mother said to me this week that she couldn’t afford to send her child to a great college next year while she is pregnant with her baby brother. As my endocrinologist said to me 18 years ago “the world needs more only children.” Onlies don’t often fit the stereotypes about self-absorbed kids who can’t function socially. Quite the opposite. Onlies tend to appreciate the company of others and to behave with more social respect and non-competitive teamwork than kids who are often neglected while their parents joke about not being able to be in four places at one time.
May 14th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
I’m so happy to have found this site. We have a daughter who’s almost 5. For years we were content w/our decision to have just one. Lately, I’ve been wavering. Still coming down on the “one” side, but with more angst around the decision. It’s good to have a place where it feels more “normal” to have a single child. I don’t think it’s right to have a second child as a gift to a first and that’s what it feels like it would be right now.
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Hey there parents of onlies!
My daughter is 13, and for the last while she has been expressing anger that she doesn’t have a sibling. She says also from time to time that she is lonely. Myself and her dad try to talk with her often to help her draw out of her what she is feeling. We are successful alright! I am glad that she is honest but I literally say to her “well, I understand your hurt but it is not reality to have more kids.” She has friends but no one very close. Sometimes I try to push get-togethers with others but of course this is annoying to a teen….anyone have any advice? It is like a punch in the stomach to hear it, yet at least she is open with us.
I really appreciate this site and all the great comments.
Thanks!
Melissa
July 6th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Melissa - i had 3 brothers and was lonely!!!! Siblings may or may not provide the solution your daughter wants unfortunately. If she is not close to anyone in particular, perhaps she could look into a hobby etc. This is great for a distraction and if this hobby has a club then she might find like minded people there.
Are there other ‘onlies’ in her class? My son had none at kindy, but there are a number in his class at school. I like to point out that he is not the only person with this family structure, also there are all sorts of families with varying numbers.
keep us updated - all the best
September 7th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
I am glad to have found this site. My husband and I are parents to an only child, a boy named Mason! I will be returning to this site regularly for the articles and discussions!!
September 11th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Hello,
My husband and I have one daughter Emily who is 7. I know this does souldn selfish, but I love taking her to gymnastics or dance and being able to watch her or read a book and not be distracted by a toddler or another child. I also love that when she is at a sleepover my husband and I get alone time.
I know these things sound selfish, but my husband and I are both introverted and do best with lots of alone time. I think we would be stressed out and unhappy if we had more children to appease others around us. I think people know what is right for their family.
Glad to have found this sight and look forward to the comments of others.
Katharine
in Texas
September 15th, 2009 at 9:04 am
It’s great to see this site and to read all of your opinions on this subject. I have a 7 year old boy and often wonder if having only one was the right thing to do for him - I know really that it was right for me. My son is so happy and well adjusted and sociable so God knows why I worry so! There is so much societal pressure to have more than one - I have a brother who is 3 years older than me and we loathed each other through childhood, and now have a phone conversation about once a year which usually has me grinding my teeth with irritation even then - yet still I fall for the “happy-2-child-family-straight-out-of-cereal-packet-advertisement” as though that’s the ideal family. It’s not. Every family has it’s pros and cons and we should be firm in our convictions, arrange lots of playdates, and love our children without worrying how they’ll cope alone once we’re gone. My brother wasn’t there for me when our father died, but my best friend and my husband were. Encourage close friendships, even from the youngest age, and they’ll never be alone. Parental guilt, even when there is nothing to feel guilty about, is such a strong emotion - we must bash it on the head!
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:07 am
Hi Parents of only kids! Great reading all your comments. My husband and I have a gorgeous 2 year old son (who wasn’t planned) and we’ve gone through so much angst wondering if we ’should’ have a second child. We have nearly come to peace with the fact that Callum will be absolutely fine with his cousins, friends and eventually, pets. I say ‘nearly’ because I just adore kids of all ages and am very clucky with babies. But…we both have careers and although I work only part-time it’s still a juggling act, plus we’re both ‘older’ (I’m 36 and hubby 44).
Plus being the oldest of 3 girls, I can say that having siblings does not automatically mean a blissful childhood as I really clashed with my second sister but got along well with the youngest (what if my Mum had stopped at 2??)
Ciec - I totally know how you feel with the guilt feelings and torturing yourself about whether to have a second or not. Research on onlies and talking to others too has helped me to realise an only child will do just fine. Still a hard process though. Good luck
Bek from Western Australia
September 25th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Thanks everyone for posting your personal experience here.
We have way much more visitors than posters. For those who aren’t considering sharing their experience and feelings: When you write things down, it helps you better understand your problems and concerns. Its like therapy :))
September 25th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Hi admin, don’t you think people are speaking freely???
Whom are you addressing??
September 26th, 2009 at 6:21 am
Sorry Melissa
We have a lot of visitors coming in everyday, but very very few postings. Those lines were sitting on the main page (home page- where it made better sense) and got cut and pasted here to “encourage” folks to post. Yep, I agree that the wording looks funny sitting right inside the discussion area.
Will transplant or re-word soon.
September 26th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Hi admin….. Your post make more sense now
I have posted a few times, but i know it took me a while to sort out my thoughts and a few visits to finally get to a stage where i could write what was on my mind etc. I find there are a lot of feelings and thoughts to process.
I know that i love contributions people make because sometimes i feel like i am one of very few parents with an only and it can be isolating.
Looking forward to future discussions!
September 26th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
To admin: That makes a lot of sense!!!
Thanks!
I haven’t been on the home page for a while. I didn’t know we had a lot of visitors not posting.
I really appreciate the site.
Blessings everyone!
September 26th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Nicole:
Ditto on that!!!
“sometimes i feel like i am one of very few parents with an only and it can be isolating.
Looking forward to future discussions!”
This is a good site, maybe one of the few on the internet. It is good to realise that we are not alone and it’s OK and even great to have an only child.
September 26th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Hi again…needed to share this as we’re still in shock and find it all quite bizarre. I had bought 2 books on raising an only child which were great - ‘Parenting Your Only Child’ and ‘The Future of Your Only Child’ and after reading them felt really positive, inspired and happy that Callum would be our only child. I had finished reading one on the Thursday night.
The ironic bit…I was a bit late with my period but as this often happens,thought nothing of it…but to give ourselves peace of mind, in a rather off-hand manner I did a pregnancy test on Friday morning. It was early and my husband had already left for work. I nearly died of shock when I saw a positive result. To be honest we are both very subdued and not jumping for joy.
I know for those parents who want more than anything to have a second baby our reaction must seem ungrateful and almost ridiculous (you’d think at our age we would know how to use birth control…it was a case of us trying to use the Billings Method and obviously getting the timing wrong). I hope I’m not offending anyone by posting this, I just wanted to say that if you cherish and enjoy your only child family status and can’t envisage another child, be careful with birth control. It will all be good, of course we will love and adore the next baby (Callum was also unplanned and he is light of our lives) but it will change things beyond what we can imagine and quite frankly I’m scared! But you ‘do the crime, you do the time’ I suppose! Thanks for ‘listening’ and all the best to all you great Mums out there
September 27th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Let me be the first on this board to congratulate you!
‘do the crime, you do the time’:
Well, its not doing time really. Its a lot of work, though!
Just like we all preach about the benefits of having an Only, we can also come up with the joy and advantages of having a large family.
Our philosophy has been: One is nice, two is nice too, three is nice, four is nice too…But please don’t tell us One is bad- that’ll tick off a lot of people
I think you are the second one on this board to get into this situation almost right after making a “My Only Situation” post.
Please continue sharing your feelings and emotions as you go through the Only phase to a non-only phase.
Best Wishes!!!!
September 28th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
I just found this website today after being so annoyed with everyone’s comments on my decision to have just one child. I just don’t understand why people feel the need to tell me that “You absolutely must have another kid” (like it’s as simple as getting the latest shoe trend) or “How could you do that to your daughter?” I really get angry when people act like I am a bad mother to the one child I have because I don’t have any more kids. I have no idea why having another kid makes you a better mother.
My daughter Zoey is only 2 but I feel very content and confident (most of the time) about my decision to not have any more kids. My husband and I both come from families of four kids and we always thought they would have a bigger family. But, after a difficult pregnancy, I just knew that one was enough for me and our family of three seems complete. I even decided to take a year away from my career to be at home with Zoey and cherish the time we have together.
I truly feel for those of you who unable to have more children and really want them because I know how much I longed for my first kid. I just wish people would mind their business about why we have 1 kid or 10 kids. I don’t comment on the groceries in your cart so don’t comment on the number of kids in mine!
Thanks for listening.
September 28th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Rebekah- Congratulations!
As far as a “surprise gift” happening- I can’t have any more children, but you bring a good point- sometimes life happens and you get pregnant again. I agree that one should be careful with birth control and also bear in mind that obviously these surprises can happen. I just realised that i didn’t really share my story about my only daughter…I will have to do that soon!
September 28th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Cat-I feel your anger!!! I totally agree and I like how you put it- I don’t look in your grocery cart, so don’t look in mine!!!HA!
It is like some people think you have to have a dog, white picket fence, and 2.5 kids to be “normal” in society….I (and family are/am) happy to NOT be in that category.
If you and your spouse are happy, that is great! It is your life to live, your decisions you must live with, no one else’s responsibility.
Take Care everyone.
September 29th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Thank you Admin and Melissa for your kind wishes
And yes, Cat, I can understand your anger when people assume they know what is best for your family. I have been called ‘evil’ in a jokey manner by someone for wanting to stop at Callum and it made me even more determined to stick to what was best for us. Right now we have a great life being able to focus and enjoy our little boy. The dynamics of our family will change when the new baby comes along and we will grow with that but in the meantime we will relish the time with Callum. The good thing is that having one child is becoming more common so hopefully one day people will learn to accept it and not feel compelled to press their opinions on parents of onlies. Have a great week
October 15th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Hi everyone,
I’m one of those who have been stalking the forum without ever posting my story. Thank you Admin for giving me a nudge in the right direction.
Katharine, I know exactly what you’re talking about. I’m very introverted myself and absolutely need my alone time (for my sanity!). Also, the time I spend with my son is very important to me and I feel that it wouldn’t be as much quality time if I had to take care of more than one… I would definitely not be as good a parent. Only speaking for myself here, obviously.
Here’s my story : My girlfriend and I are foster parents (soon to be adoptive parents) to a 20-month old boy. He has been living with us since he was 3 months old. A year before he arrived, we had been mothers to another baby boy but the adoption process fell through, a situation that will not happen this time, thankfully.
Our son is a very very charming and funny kid. We LOVE him. I have a hard time imagining what life would be like with another child. I’m very happy this way and so is he, so far.
My only concern is not for now or the next few years but rather when he’s older. I personally know a few adult onlies who wished they had a brother or sister even considering the relationship wouldn’t be perfect. I get it… I’m the youngest of four and eventhough we’re not all that close, it means something to me to have them around. So it’s adult life I worry about. Not that much but I do think about it.
With that said, I feel there’s a 95% chance our son will remain our only child and I really do believe it’s the right thing for our family.
October 15th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Moustachue - Congrats on your upcoming adoption! It sounds like you are very happy with your situation so why should you change it.
I’m actually very close with all 3 of my sisters so I do feel a bit of guilt and regret that my daughter will miss out on those relationships. But, at the same time, I don’t feel like it’s the best choice to have another child to try to make my current one happier later in life. We have a number of cousins that live near us so we try to organize lots of play dates and sleepovers. So, I hope that she will remain close to them as she gets older.
October 22nd, 2009 at 11:21 am
Alright guys…we are having a record number of visitors this week, and still almost no one is posting their Only Child experience
Please, please, please, put your comments here. It helps everyone.
Thanks for visiting!!!!!!!!!!!!!
October 22nd, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Cat, don’t sweat it. People often want to justify their own choices by making sure everyone else makes the SAME choices that they did. It’s BS. What’s right for my family is not right for everyone. What’s right for your family, Mr. or Ms. Nosebody, is not right for everyone. Statistics show that only about 50% of siblings have good relationships as adults. So, it’s a crap shoot. Another child might be your child’s best friend, or worst enemy or a complete nonentity. So, just learn to smile and say “this is what’s best for OUR family.”
November 5th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
Ladies: Please share your experience with others. This is a free site, and we would like to keep it that way.
Thanks!!
November 12th, 2009 at 8:30 am
Hi guys, this is such an awesome site! I have googled ‘only child’ so many times, searching for others out there who have a family of three and expderience similar feelings to me.
I come from a large family, I am the eldest of 4 girls. I love all my sisters so much and 2 of my sisters are my best friends. I loved my childhood as part of a large family.
When DH and I got married and started trying for a bub we planned on having 5 kids. It took way longer than expected to get pregnant and when I had morning sickness we decided on 3 kids. Then in the last few weeks of pregnancy I declared I would only ever do it one more time,so it was decided we would have 2 kids. The night DS was born I was really looking forward to doing it all over again one more time.
When DS was 3 weeks old, he got sick and ended up having surgery and staying in hospital for a few days. While DS was in surgery (it was also my birthday) DH took me shopping to try and keep our minds off the surgery and our tiny boy. On the way back to the hospital we were standing at the traffic lights, we turned and looked at each other and said at the same time “no more babies”. We promisedourselves we would never put ourselves through this kind of pain and stress ever again.
When DS was 18 months old I was finally diagnosed with PND and ended up needing medication. I am still on the medication, and DS is now 3.5 years old. I love being a mum so much and DS is just the bestest, however I really dont believe our marriage could handle another child. At the moment we are so happy just the 3 of us. DH and I are starting to have lots of time together, lots of date nights, DS is so self suffucient these days.
I get clucky A LOT, and deciding whether or not to have another bub has been agonising at times, but I have recently come to the realisation that the reasons I want another child arent good enough to bring another child int o the world. I want a cute little baby to dress up and show off and nuggle and smell. However I dont want the sleepless nights and I dont want to have more children to deal with on a daily basis.
Luckily this year 2 of my sisters had baby boys so now I know that DS will always have his cousins, I know that they will all grow up with a sibling like relationship as we sisters are very close and catch up on a weekly basis if not more and we all babysit for each other.
DS is such an outgoing little boy, always making new friends where ever we go. He will find a playmate all the time, he just walks up to kids and says “will you be my friend?” then he has a little friend for the rest of the day!
DH and I plan to have an open house policy. DS will be able to have mates around when ever, sleep overs all the time. He will be given the option of inviting a friend when we go on holidays.
We are lucky that I come from a large close knit extended family, so he has lots of little kids to grow up with, I know he will never be alone or lonely.
ANyway, that is my story in a nutshell
Thanks for such a supportive site
November 12th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
I am writing today because I need some advice on how to handle a particular situation. My mother-in-law was an only child and she seems to still have a lot of anger and resentment about it. She always talks about “my second child” or “how such and such will be different with number two” and I always tell her the same thing: We are not having any more kids. Then, she makes comments about how I can’t do that to my current child or how that’s just wrong or how I will change my mind.
I actually have a good relationship with her and in most other ways she is helpful and supportive. I realize that her feelings here have a lot more to do with her issues then with mine but I still want her to understand that her comments are not appropriate. I believe that she would stop saying things like that if she knew they hurt me. However, I just can’t seem to get up the guts to tell her that.
Has anyone ever had to have this conversation? Please give me some advice on what I can say to smooth over this situation and not mess up our otherwise good relationship. Thanks!
November 23rd, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Elissa, I find your story very interesting, how you started out by thinking you would have 5 kids. A lot of parents make specific plans before having their first child and then everything changes… If you are confident in your decision, it’s probably the right one for you.
December 31st, 2009 at 12:38 am
Here’s Wishing all Parents and Onlies a very Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May you find happiness and fulfillment in 2010!!!
January 1st, 2010 at 10:37 am
Having an Only Child
The other day my mother and I were sorting through my daughter’s old baby clothes. We put them in two piles, one for things she could wear in the upcoming months and another for those she had already outgrown. We debated what to do with the second pile of clothing: should we give it to my brother and sister-in-law, who are considering having a third child; send it out West to my newly married cousin and his wife; or donate it to the Salvation Army or some other charity? For now we’re keeping it on hold. One option that didn’t come up, though, was saving it for me in case I have another baby. It suddenly struck me: my daughter Gabriella Michelle will probably be my only child.
I didn’t deliberately set out to have only one child. Over the years my ideas on family size have changed. When I was young, I wanted four children, just like my mother’s family of origin with her, my aunt and their two brothers. After I got engaged in college, my former fiancé and I pictured a family of two children, a girl and a boy. But eventually I came to like the notion of an only child. This preference was driven home to me by various babysitting experiences and, more recently, by an outing to the park with my daughter, my brother and his two kids. I remember desperately trying to keep Gabriella and my nephew, both fourteen months, in my field of vision as they scampered off in different directions while my brother tended to my niece. To make the story short: I wished I were a bird (most birds have a 360-degree field of vision). I realize I can’t handle more than one small child at once.
An alternative to having an only child is waiting six years or so for when my daughter is no longer so dependent on me. Given that I’m forty years old now, however, by that time there’s a good chance I’ll either be infertile or, in the event of a pregnancy, at higher risk of problems like miscarriage or Down syndrome. In the case of the latter, for instance, I’d rather not find myself pushed into choosing between having an abortion and bearing a Down syndrome child. There are other options besides the so-called “natural way,” namely reproductive technologies and adoption. I’ve never seriously considered the first: while I’m by no means against reproductive technologies, what might be appropriate for, say, a childless couple in their thirties would not feel right for me, a woman over forty with a biological child.
On the other hand, I have looked into adoption more closely. But my chances of expanding my family this way also seem slim. Foreign adoption is expensive, not only in terms of fees for the process itself but in wages lost from time taken off work to travel to the country in question. In addition, my age (and my husband’s; he’s 56) and the fact I already have a biological child would probably place us at the bottom of a prospective adoptive parents list. I’ve explored domestic adoption as well. Unfortunately, most of the kids available here in Canada have emotional and/or developmental problems due to neglect, prenatal exposure to alcohol, etcetera, and I don’t personally feel capable of raising a child with these kinds of issues. (Of note, I once ended a relationship with a man with manic depression partly for fear any children we would have might inherit his condition.) On one website I examined there was a single child I would have considered adopting – a beautiful East Indian girl with a purely physical handicap – but lo and behold, the next time I checked the site she was gone, placed with a family. And I’m sure that if I had applied to take her I would have been competing with other families viewed as more suitable than mine, for the reasons mentioned above.
So now I basically have come to the conclusion that I’ll probably have only one child in this lifetime. Most of the time, I think of the positives in this. They include being able to spend more time with my daughter, in volunteer activities, and at solitary endeavours such as writing this article. The extra time with my daughter has created a special closeness between us (not that parents with two or more children can’t be close to each one of them). For me, it’s not so much the “quality time” that I cherish but rather the simple things like singing with her as I do the dishes, carrying her around the neighbourhood in my “pouch” (Baby Bjorn), and reading her the stories she loves. I also appreciate the fact I don’t have to deal with trying to divide myself between two small children who both need my attention, worrying about money, or breaking up sibling squabbles. Don’t get me wrong: I admire people like my brother and sister-in-law who can handle two or more small children at one time. I just don’t know if I could do the same.
With any decision, whether it’s living without children, having only one child, or reproducing a la Michelle Duggar, there are pros and cons. On the rare occasion I’ll get the urge for a second baby, small and sweet like my little girl. My biggest questions, however, have to do with my daughter herself. Am I harming her by depriving her of a brother or sister? My mom once told me the good thing about siblings is that they are still there when your parents are gone. One book called siblinghood the longest-lasting bond. On the practical side, if I become incapacitated in my old age will my daughter resent not having someone else to share the burden of caring for me with? Overall, though, I’m confident she’ll be fine. I’ve researched the academic literature on the effect of being an only child versus having siblings, and it’s been fairly reassuring: some studies show only children do better than their peers; others suggest they suffer disadvantages; and still more find no difference between the two groups.
Of course my lifestyle is not for everybody. Though I don’t like societal attitudes that label parents of onlies as “selfish” or only children as “spoiled brats,” I don’t have any problem with the two-child family being the norm. And I can’t entirely rule out the possibility that I might have another child, either biologically or by adoption. But in all likelihood I will remain a mother of one, and I am content with this.
January 31st, 2010 at 1:49 pm
I’m so happy to have found this site and I can definitely relate to most posting especially Emilia Liz’s #140. We are also a family of three but most if not all of the families we socialize with are families with several children. I would like for my daughter to know that there are other families out there like ours.
Has anyone tried to set up a Only Child Network and if so do you recommend doing this?
PS. Admin, how do I go about setting up a local Only Child Network ? yourtownname.onlychildproject.com
February 14th, 2010 at 5:53 pm
Dear LA,
Thank you for your comment. If you want to set up an only child network, you might want to put a notice in your town or city’s Craig’s List or other venue.
I must say that where I live (Toronto, Ontario, Canada), there’s no shortage of only children. But come to think about, in my hometown (Windsor, same province, same country, right across from the American city of Detroit), when I was growing up there were few only children in my classroom, neighbourhood, etcetera. The only one I can remember is a girl I babysat who was adopted. So I presume her parents were probably infertile and couldn’t adopt another child - this was the time in which the supply of “healthy white babies” was drying up.
Speaking of adoption, in theory I’m not totally closed to it. But I’m realistic, and I know my chances of doing so are fairly remote. And I have to admit I’m not a saint, so I wouldn’t knowingly adopt a child who had emotional/mental/psychological issues.
So I’m going on the premise that my daughter will be my only child.
February 22nd, 2010 at 11:48 am
My 3-year old daughter Rose was born with a very rare condition and is trached and g-tube fed. We spent the first year of her life in the hospital. Oddly enough she is on target developmentally and she is the shining star of our lives. She has the best sense of humour and gives us so much joy. I could not dream of a better bond with a child. She is absolutely wonderful. (PS: she is the Passy Muir ambassador: http://www.passymuir.com , her pic is right on the homepage). The thing is: she needs a LOT of care. My husband wants another child but I find myself completely EXHAUSTED. I just don’t think I have it in me to take care of another baby. I know as I am writing this that I have made my decision but I keep going back and forth and back and forth in my head. It is draining. Are there any of you out there in the same situation? Whose first child had a medical condition and had turned your life completely upside down? Did you decide on having another child anyway? Did you have the strength? It’s never spoken about in articles. It’s typically about the mother having medical issues, not the first child. Any feedback would be wonderful.
February 23rd, 2010 at 11:26 am
Amelie - thanks for sharing your story with us. While I don’t have any experience of having a child with medical issues my oldest sister has an extremely rare mitochondrial disease (she is 42 and we just got a diagnosis last year). We did not find out that she was sick until she was 13 and my parents already had three kids so they didn’t have to make any the decisions you are faced with. And, I can say that much of childhood revolved around what was best for my sister and how I could help her out. This used to cause a lot of resentment on my part but now my sister and I are very close and I am thankful for the wonderful relationship we have. As it would be in your family, I protect and take care of my older sister and I am glad that I can be that person for her.
I totally understand that you feel exhausted as I often feel that way with just one healthy child. So, I think that only you know what you can take on and hopefully your husband will understand that too. I don’t intend to have any more children but I definitely have times that a go back and forth in my head and question my choice. I wish you all the best in coming to a decision that is best for your family.
I just wanted to let you know that younger siblings can learn a lot from an older sibling with a serious disease and grow to become very close friends.
February 23rd, 2010 at 2:38 pm
Cat - thank you so much for your response. I think what worries me the most is that Rose cannot be put in daycare or dropped off in school like other kids. We tried home care nursing and are giving up. For multiple reasons we’ve seen 18 nurses come and go through our house within 2 years. We are done! So my husband had to quit his job and is now home to take care of Rose (it made more financial sense). For safety reason Rose can only be left with either me or my husband. Currently my husband stays in school with her. As things stand, we are barely getting by on one salary… How could we possibly take care of another baby? If we had another child, we would not be able to afford daycare for that child. My husband would have to stay home with Rose and the baby. Rose would not be able to go to school… She LOVES school. This is crazy! I am racking my brain and cannot find a solution! And I can’t ignore the fact that Rose has reached her two million dollar lifetime cap on my health insurance. Yes, you read that right: our monkey has had over two million dollars in medical bills. She is now on private health insurance. She is “sick enough” that her monthly premiums are covered by the state. The day her trach will be out (when?), she will no longer qualify and these $560/month will come out of our pocket. Also she cannot be left alone at night so either my husband or I sleep with her. My husband and I have not slept in the same bed for months! We have been juggling multiple surgeries and procedures (she has been close to 50 times under general anesthesia - her longest reconstructive surgery was 12 hours long). She still has 13 doctors and surgeons following her. Even though Rose is now stable, we are still in survival mode and cannot imagine more chaos in our lives.